Do your kids live with you?

Your wife is being unreasonable. You have kids. You have an obligation as a father to raise those kids FIRST. (Most do not agree with me here but oh well.)

I feel that most people should not remarry until their kids are at least almost out of HS.

Can you talk her into living apart until kids are much older?

You say that your kids are involved in a LOT of activities. How many nights/weekends each? What percentage of games do you attend? What do you do after the games? And most importantly, do you ever make Wifey your priority (i.e. date night) even when there's a kid activity going on?

Because I don't believe that it makes you a good dad to be at *EVERY* game. The important ones? Yes. But if your life revolves around your children's activities, what are you really teaching them? I could never be married to a parent like that. These aren't even high school games. Your kids are young...they don't need a cheering section to watch their every move.

Edit: If your ex wife is there, you don't *have to* be there. Have her take pictures/record it if you all get along. One parent is more than enough to watch kids play. Sorry to offend those in the "kid's first" camp. My child playing games will never be more important than my marriage.

Ok, I guess my next question would be on the nights when there are NO kids, are you also running out to games and such? Because I would think that if there are 7 nights with NO kids, it is a perfect opportunity to reignite the marriage and dedicate some quality time to your wife so that she doesn't feel like a second fiddle.
I agree that any woman that is asking you to choose between her and your kids needs to get a foot up her ass and sent packing. It's not a fair thing to ask and I highly doubt if YOU gave her that type of ultimatum she would be keen to drop her daughters and be off with you.

Don't have another child with this woman.

I don't think you need to give up your kids extra curriculars, but I see it from her point of view. Do you have to go to all of them? Also, when you are there are you talking to the Ex? That is annoying at best.

If the activities are every night it is a bit much, but a couple a week is understandable. Also, make sure that she is not doing any of the car pooling them there. They are not her kids, she has her own. She should take care of hers and you take care of yours.

I find it hard to believe that she would say to stop going completely. There is more to this as to why it bothers her. Expecially if you get almost 5 nights without the kids.

I agree it all sounds like jealousy and possessiveness at this point. BUT, and here's a big BUT. I sort of have an skid/mistress which is DH's activity/hobby and if you are like my DH, then I would have a bone to pick with you too.

He works from 9am to 5pm, so he's out of the house at 8 and back home at 6 if he doesn't go to his hobby. His hobby runs 3 nights a week and both days on the weekend, even though for the weekends it's only half a day, and then two weekday mornings from 6-7am. Those three nights a week, he's home after 10, sometimes 11 or 12 if he and the guys grab a beer. On the weekends, since it's half a day each day from 11am to 1pm, the entire day might as well be wasted because we can't spend time together in the morning or after since that's when the two of us can pull together and get some of the big chores done. Wednesday nights and Thursday nights are all we have together, but you know what I'm doing when he gets back? Yup, cooking dinner while he gets on his computer. Finish eating at 8:30 and we have effectively maybe an hour of quality time before we go to sleep. AND when that hour rolls around, he just wants to destress and vegetate from his work and his hobby. Saturday and Sunday afternoons are spent doing household maintenance.

Now, you say you guys take trips. Yeah, we take multiple trips a year too... for his hobby. Sure, I get to go with him and sit on the sidelines and watch or lounge at the hotel taking care of the baby, but I don't count that as vacation even if he does (well, duh, he's not taking care of a baby and doing what he loves at the same time as traveling.)

I am much more tolerant and patient than most women would be with a schedule like this, but if it gets on my nerves, I can bet it would set another woman off. I almost left DH twice over his schedule, which was how he FINALLY gave up his Wednesday and Thursday nights but then he started the two mornings to make up for it.

A guy's idea of spending time on his wife can be watching TV next to her. Sorry, that's not quality time to me. I want to still be wined and dined, even for one night a week. I want him to give up that last beer and come home a little early so that we can talk for even 15 minutes before we have to sleep, instead of him coming into bed when I'm out of the world of the waking.

For an intact family, it's different with stuff for kids because when you both go to your children's activities, it's considered bonding time. But if you're sitting on the sidelines watching the clock tick by while your spouse is gallivanting somewhere, you become precisely aware of how much time he/she is dedicating to NOT YOU. And then the time he is home, he's still doing his own thing! It's infuriating to say in the least.

(This is my vent when he's being his worst.

When he's being his best, he gets up early on the weekends and does all the chores so when I wake up it's all done, I just make the meals and we have the whole afternoon on those two days to ourselves and our daughter. He's been making the change to sit with me when I'm cooking dinner now on Wed and Thurs. Sometimes he'll have his iPad and that'll tick me off but at least he tries.

AND once in a while (maybe twice a month) he'll give up a night going to his hobby just to surprise me because that REALLY shows me I am important to him--knowing how hard it is for him to do so. I think it's when he's feeling guilty though, given all I do...)

"...she's the Mom, and it's more important for her, as a Mom, to be there for her daughters." Wait I got to get up off the floor where I've been rolling around with my belly aching from the laughing. Around here that's called the Golden Vagina or Uterus.

Many women on this site would agree with your wife. They think a guy should effectively drop his kids if he marries to devote undying attention to them. But when asked if they considered what it would be like if this custodial mother had to relinquish their kids to their father 12 days of 14 they suddenly become protective mother cougar, claws and teeth bared.

Soon enough, quicker than you both think they'll all be gone and if you've done your jobs right you two will have decades to be together. Remind her of all of this and if she insists then she's selfish and uncaring about your relationship with your children.

Like others I can understand how she feels, we're all selfish, but surely she can postpone her immediate gratification for the long term goal. However EVERY game can be a compromise. How about if you suggest that one night of your alone week be dedicated to a nice dinner out and wine when you two get home and see where it goes.

If she insists she wants it all let her have it and change the locks. I'm still chuckling over her remark I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read it.

I feel for you, trytrytry - you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I did not read all the comments, but it think you need to speak to a marriage counselor and work out a compromise. Having those nights out when there are NO Kids in the house is great! That makes up for the time spent away with your kids.

As a mom to two teenaged boys who played every sport when younger, i can tell you, i have had my fill of soccer and basketball in the fall and winter and every year was close to the nervous breakdown by the time baseball season rolled around ( i prefer ballet to baseball anyway). So by the time kids were in middle school, i either refused to attend baseball games, only dropped off/picked up, or only went when DH went, or he went, i did not, or my mom went - or no one did. It was just TOO MUCH ( i work full time, long hours). And guess what? My kids survived. Now they are both in high school, play fewer sports, and the high school provides a bus for away games, so my involvement has lessened drastically. Your wife can take solace in the fact that there are really only a few very intense years left... and during those you can compromise. And if you do not attend every game, so what? Who made the rule that parents have to be there every time?

Your wife seems to believe you attending so many games MEANS you do not love her. It does NOT mean that. You can make her a priority and still find time for your kids. The compromise is inbetween your two positions. You need a mediator/couselor to help you find balance. May be attending fewer games on days kids are not with you is the answer. Both you and DW can agree to do date nights on those days. Or work in the garden, or pay your bills/do your taxes together.

Good luck! I think your DW is very lucky that you are not afraid to crowd-source this question and listen to everyone's feedback. Invite her to join you on ST!

Even as I type this, I am unsure if I will post it because I feel it will only encourage my husband, the poster of this initial thread, to continue talking about this situation as if it is an open issue that is waiting to be resolved (which it is not). However, I do feel the need to set the record straight on a few of the things he is posting and since he e-mailed me the link to this blog, it occurs to me that I can tell my side of the story so he can't take your responses and try to weave them into some new attack on me. He is truthful about the basics - we met 5 years ago, fell in love, got married 2 years ago, he has 3 kids, I have 2, and the serious problems began as soon as we moved in together. I won't even get into the history of our relationship or the fact that nobody in my life has been supportive of it from day one because it is mostly irrelevant to this topic although it did contribute to how stressed out and isolated I was in this relationship from the moment we moved in together. We moved into his old neighborhood, where he continues to live within 2 blocks of his ex wife who kept the home the lived in while married. It is also one block from the school his children attend (mine do not) and his ex wife works in the school. Currently, she is home all summer so when they wake up at his home, they walk over to hers and vice versa. Her street borders our backyard so many of the neighbors we have knew them as a couple. The home I lived in with him, was picked out by he and his ex together when they were going through their divorce. I never realized until I moved in the amount of contact the all 5 of them had on a daily, if not hourly basis. Pat was coaching ALL of their sports. So even if he didn't have the kids, not only was he at the games with all of them, but he was also at every practice. In between, the two of them, and the kids were constantly running "forgotten" items back and forth between the two homes as well as communicating constantly through text, phone and email. It was literally to the point, before I moved in even, that if he didn't take the children to church on a Sunday they were with him, she would get upset and he would make excuses. The first weekend I moved in, I took my kids and his daughter to a Girl Scouts event, and when I returned I found out that the minute I left he ran over there to help her with school registration paperwork. It was as though she was living directly with us. To say nothing of her influence on the kids and the fact that she knew everything that was going on every minute they were with us. And how I constantly had to hear how she did things and what I and my kids were doing that was "wrong" or she perceived differently. The boys especially, were very brainwashed by their mom and would not even say hello back to me at an event when theyt were with her. They also made the bonding process difficult at home but I kept trying. My husband and I went through pure hell and agony fighting over all of these things. Our fights deteriorated so rapidly that I would absolutely classify it as emotional abuse. There were constant threats, vile insults and just about every door in that home was ripped off the hinges. There is no getting away from him when he is angry.
There were things that he corrected - he stopped coaching some of the sports. He started to copy me on the emails back and forth so I wasn't constantly caught offguard by schedule changes that impacted me and my kids as well as him and his. But it didn't come without the cost of deep resentment, on both of our parts. His ex hadn't wanted the divorce and caused us as much trouble as humanly possible, on a daily basis. In addition to consistently taking us back to court for child support, variable expenses and custody schedule changes or contesting anything we tried to do including taking the kids to DisneyWorld. And oftentimes, he would defend her. This is on top of being gone constantly. He would often take the boys, but leave his daughter behind with me and mine. I tried to make the best of it and we did bond. I tried extremely hard to make that relationship work and I did more for that child than I ever saw either of her parents do for her - they were too busy with their boys and their sports. However, as I'm sure some of you understand, it can be hard to take when your stepchildren are rude and/or unappreciative and sometimes I just needed a break.
He would put me between a rock and hard place by saying that I should be coming along to all of the sporting events as a family. So I tried that too. He is definitely a parent that places a huge amount of importance on the boys' sports. To the point that he is so involved he doesn't even help watch the other children and doesn't care where they are or what they are doing in the dark at baseball games. I would give up my Saturdays to take the other 4 along to basketball tournaments when he was coaching, thinking, hey he can at least hang out with us in between games....no such luck. He would rather chat with the other helicopter parents and watch the other teams play. So, I started to stay home for some of them. Since he was gone constantly all of the housework fell to me. I was staying home to clean the house, take care of kids, do all the laundry. If I ever asked him to stay home, it was like all hell broke loose. I just WAS NOT a priority unless his kids had nothing else going on.

Now, he types that he attended "all" of my kids' events, which for one thing is simply untrue. The things he did attend, like dance recitals were because his daughter was also in them and mind you - dance recitals are ONCE A YEAR, not 4 times per week like baseball games or every single weekend like basketball and football. The plays are 4 times a year and choir concerts maybe twice. There is really no comparison at all. Plus, his kids have all of that stuff (band, singing concerts) in addition to all of the rest. So, do I go to my kids stuff? Yeah, I do. But if it were 4 nights a week, you can bet I would sit some of them out to have spent time with my husband. I would damn well understand that he didn't want to sit there with my ex husband and kids that often.
One commenter asked what changed to go from "do whatever you want" to "give up your kids" in 2 years. for one, I didn't ask him to give up custody of his kids. Nor would I. I asked him to give up the games on the nights he doesn't have them for the sake of our marriage. I asked him to put US first. And he simply would not do it.

That, in addition to the fact, that we had many many other problems that culminated into several violent fights during hte last 6 months we were living together. The final one involved the police. I have been moved out ever since and I'm not going back. That house is a nightmare for me. That neighborhood is a nightmare for me. That entire LIFE is a nightmare to me. I had so much anxiety from all the fighting we did, that I was literally losing my hair by the handful. We have been in counseling since day one. We knew this was difficult. It hasn't helped. I am giving up. I will never be his priority. He has a deluded vision of this perfect Brady Bunch family that involves a woman playing the role of wife with no opinions, no needs and no wants that differ from his own or his kids and that just is not and cannot be me. For the last six months I have struggled with this because I made a commitment and there is a lot of shame and sadness in walking away from it. But I can no longer see any way that this situation won't make me completely miserable. And as much as he claims that he wants nothing but to stay married, he didn't do one thing over the last 6 months to change any of these circumstances. He just keeps trying anything he can to prove to himself that what I want is "wrong". But make no mistake, it is too late. Even if he completely changed his mind at this point I would not go back - too much water under the bridge. It is time for him to accept that it is over.

Thank you for your very brave and very anguished post, FedUpand...
Once again best intentions pave, roof and wall the road to step-hell.
Such a mine field... i hope you can both get to the other side with as few
bloody wounds as possible.

I agree with wife. She should always be the number one priority, always. I would walk from any relationship where I felt second. You don't feel you need to be at every game and practice. I would have a problem with DH spending more nights with his ex then me & yes I would see it that way. It seems your very enmeshed in these kids lives.

Where is the time you put into your relationship? Do you do a weekly date night? What romantic overtures do you do for your spouse? I get the feeling she gets what's left over after your kids.

Edited: Wow! I guess I should have read the whole thing before I commented. It seems the point is mute.

Pat......with all due respect.......you still are married to your first wife. Fedupandmovingon........definitely move on.

OP, time to accept the fact that your marriage is over and move on.

Just realize that your parenting style isn't going work in a step situation. That doesn't mean you have to change the way you parent. However, marriage or living with someone may not be an option at this time. I can relate to not wanting to change your parenting style for the sake of a SO. I ended several relationships because the men made me feel like I had to make a choice between them or my son. After that I dated, but I always made it clear that my minor son was my priority.

I met my DF two weeks after my son graduated from high school.

Fedup - ok, 1 million apologies for my statements to your husband. Had I known THIS version of the events I would have never agreed with him. He should have stayed married with his ex. I can't even imagine living in the same state as our ex Bitch, so on the same block? Yeah, I'd be locked up by now.
Good for you for putting yourself first and moving on. Holy moses, I don't even know how you lasted that long!

Shame on you TRYTRYTRY - you tried to bamboozle us! Read your wife's reply and I mean REALLY read it. Clearly this marriage cannot be saved but you might want to take note for the next relationship because each and every one will blow up in your face if you don't change ALL of that behavior. Why'd you leave your ex? Sounds like you would have been better off to stay married to her. My DH can't stand to even hear his ex's voice much less spend every waking moment with her. I'd leave you too!

The two of you cheated and broke up two families. Then you both made the choice to move into BM's back yard. Now are surprised that BM is giving them hell. :?

You helped break up BM's marriage, now she has helped to brake up your marriage. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.