Anyone else out of synch with their spouse and wishing they did have an empty nest?
This may be a little long ... I feel a little guilty but recently have had some very heated arguments with my wife. Not all is my adult stepson (28) living at home but it seems to present an issue for me. Maybve others have been there and have some comments or pointers. Let me give background:
- My wife and I are very much in love and have been married 7 years. I met my stepsons at 13 and 18. I cannot claim anything bad. Generally these are great young men. Our youngest gave us a grandson and an amazing daughter in law. He has launched well, is a great dad and husband and they live in the same county so not too far. Our oldest is 28 and still lives at home. He does pay some rent and does not drink/smoke or party
- Our oldest is now 28. He has a BS degree and is quite intelligent. He is very dogmatic and self centered but can be quite caring. However, he bounces between pouty/angry and thoughtful at the drop of a hat. Yes, after he graduated college he did nothing but game for over a year. However, he now works full time and has a good work ethic.
- We also have an adult special needs (my sister in law). She is developmentally 10-12 (actually is 53) and is sweet but very much like a pre-teen and she has a palsey, balance issues, etc.
This is where I feel a little guilty. I'll list pros and cons so to speak but lately came to realize that I have always wanted to see the boys launch and then have an empty nest and they can visit and we could do some outings here and there. My wife is a but more OK that he has not launched. We are working with a counselor and thuogh we used to be great communicators, home life is becomming an issue for me. We got married and just after, sis needed to move in as my really cool mother in law passed. As a result of that and the SSx2 we never got to have that honeymoon phase. Now let me say that until the last 4 years, both SS did very little to help around the house, dirtied many dishes, etc. I love my wife very much but she completely let them slide on helping out and they spoke to her very disrepectfully (not cursing but in my day I would have woken across the room). Youngest married and moved out about 4 years ago.
These are both the good and bad that really bug me with our live in SS:
- Good that he pays rent and is working
- Good that when he is not in his pouty/angry mood that he is a caring guy
- Bad that although he pays rent, his room literally looks like a trash dump (fast food trash, plates/bowls, clothes, etc all piled high. Last time he cleaned it took 6 large sized trash bags
- Bad in that he still tends to at least twice a week texting what's for dinner. Can you bring me something ?
- Bad in that he packs the washer and leaves his clothes in the dryer as long as we let it sit
- This just bugs me so maybe I'm thin skinned but he also will ask to go to the store, etc. but he wants one of us to drive all the time
- Bad in that he is still in the he is always right and knows everything state. In fact, the other day he commented things would work so much better if everyone just did it his way
- I think that the dynamic which causes frustration/anger for me is that my wife and I very rarely have true alone time, it is hard to discuss household management, etc. without ears always being near. Also, I feel as if my wife expects me to treat him as an equal partner since he pays some rent. I am not wired that way. We are supposed to be the married couple; this is our home and we love our kids and want them happy and healthy but it is not a cooperative. I strongly desire for us to exerience an empty nest (exception is sis, she cannot live on her own). I feel a little on the outside; would do anything I can for the kids but am seeing the rest of my years as having two children at home and my wife over functioning for her son who is off limits for me to say anything to or set house rules. I love my wife but am now stuck in a groundhog day