Sleeping in parents room
I am a woman married to another woman. She has a daughter who is 10. There is also the other mother in the picture too. My wife is the biological mother. We all get along great! Have been married for three years. When daughter is at other mothers house they share a room and bed. Here she has her own bedroom, but refuses to sleep in her room alone. For the past few months she has been sleeping in our room in the floor. She is home for 4-5 days a week. My wife is very attached and slept with her in same room until we got married. I am having a hard time. I want boundaries set. I want my room at night to myself and/or my wife and myself. I have said if my wife needs to sleep in daughters room I'm ok with that. She says it's a few days a week why not in our room. How do I get this to stop. Help!
I've never understood this
I wasn't allowed in my parents room as a kid so aside from parents with kids who have disabilities that need frequent attention, this makes no sense to me.
Fortunately, my partner has never done with with his kids. However, I have heard that other people have success reframing things around the kids. "Honey, it's so great that you're close to your daughter, but I want to make sure we're doing everything we need to to teach her to be a strong, independent adult. What if we have her sleep alone every other night for a while so she can build confidence? I want her to experience everything life has to offer, including sleepovers with friends, independence, and more." Overly sweet, maybe, but pointing out the potential drawbacks to her daughter's development may be one tactic to try. You dont want your daughter to be incapable of caring for herself or even sleeping without her parents when shes 15, 18, 21, years old, do you?
All of that is beside the fact that you 100% have a right to a kid free space. Demand that on its own merits. It's essential to survival in a stepfamily. No kids in the bedroom. Because. Period.
Yes! It was the same for me.
Yes! It was the same for me. For the first five years of my life it was just my mom and I. We rented a room, so we shared a room/bed. She remarried when I was 5. I had my own room. Stayed in there. No if and's or but's.
This is also why I have such a hard time with this. I was married, had step children plus my own children. I also was in a relationship with a partner who was a step parent to my children. Mine are grown and on their own. Now I'm a step parent again. So I am aware how it feels from all sides. I just really don't agree with having her in our room sleeping. I personally need my space. I need to decompress. Plus I would like some time with my wife. Not just for obvious reasons, but to have adult conversation. Just between us.
She did sleep in her own room for about 1 1/2 years. It was usually a battle, but for the most part she did. There were several nights that they would both end up on the sofa and wife would come into our room later. I'm not sure why now she's in our room. It's to the point that SD is calling wife and mine bedroom "our room". Meaning it's SD as well. I feel My privacy is invaded. I'm home all day. My wife works. I need my time. I had previously suggested about her gaining independence, etc. Thats when sh was in her own room. Now I think my wife feels so guilty about not being home that she wants her close when she is home.
Im starting to get major resentments. I don't have a poker face. My wife knows it upsets me. She says it's not a big deal. It's almost as if there is conflict with SD she defends and sides with her. She is aware of this and working on being fair. I just don't know what else to do. I'm to the point of saying. I need my own space, whether it's in a room of yours and mine or I have a room of my own. She's been at other mothers for two nights and is coming home tonight. I'm already dreading it. It shouldn't be like this. Usually I would go to my mom to talk about this but she just passed away last year.
Thanks for listening.
Why did she marry you if she
Why did she marry you if she wasn't going to actually treat you like a partner? We ALL need our own space. Does she even remember her vows? This would be a hill to die on for me. You need adult space and your SD needs to learn about independence. Tell your spouse that she doesn't have to do everything her ex does... Because it looks like that is what she is doing. Her daughter will respect her much more if she helps her to grow up rather than trying to keep her in childhood and dependent.
If that doesn't help, I'd simply move out.
:/ that's the thing. I want
:/ that's the thing. I want this marriage to work. I love my wife and SD dearly. Her ex shares a room cuz she is only able to have a one bedroom place. I think it's more my wife who wants to keep her a baby. Yet there's plenty times when my wife is wondering why she doesn't listen or why she is so needy.
I'm afraid for what's going to happen when she's a teenager.
Does she realize that, not
Does she realize that, not only is she damaging her marriage, but also crippling her daughter's development? Have you considered counseling with her? Hearing it from a third party.might get her attt,
She does realize it. I think
She does realize it. I think she feels guilty for not being home more. So when she is home she tries to spend every moment with her. We have talked about counseling. I'm coming to the conclusion it's a must.
I was just reading about mini wife syndrome. This describes this household to a T.
I'm kind of feeling discouraged. Like this will never change.
I should add. The ex believes
I should add. The ex believes she should be in her own room at our home. She even talks to SD about it. She will agree when she's there but when she comes home there's always a reason. She also knows that her mom will do whatever she wants.
Let your wife know that if
Let your wife know that if she isn't on board with moving SD into her own room, you will move into SD's room yourself and she and SD can share a room. She will protest, of course, but the only other alternative is you going along with SD sleeping on your floor.
Personally, I'd have a hard time being with someone who cared nothing for my needs.
I have told her if she wants
I have told her if she wants to go sleep with her daughter in her room I'm okay with that. I explain I would rather slee with her (my wife), but if this is something either of them need I'm not going to stop it.
My wife in general is very attentive to my needs. She treats me with so much love. She does realize when SD is home that SD requires all of her attention. She does her best to balance it. As I mentioned above. I was just reading about mini wife syndrome. I had never heard of it. Saw it in these forums. I'm floored at how every detail is what's going on here.
My wife works a lot. When she's home she so tired and rests. Her job is physically demanding as well. I hate to stress her out or put pressure on her. So it's hard to ever find the right time to talk about this. I should have done it over these past two days again. I'm not sure if I should bring it up or just wait and see if she opts to have her in our room. It's now summer break. I'm so stressed about this.