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My life is now boring - resentful - and I might want out - or not - am I having a life crisis lol

taffycat's picture
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Hi all,

Met my boyfriend when I was 15, best friends for years, then we got together, split up as I went travelling; he then got married, divorced after 7 years. Two years later we started talking and got back together four years ago. He has 3 girls, twins age 8 and the other one 10. I have literally known them half their life hehe.

When they got divorced, she left the kids with him for two years, he lost his job and they had to stay with her for a year. When he and I moved in together she dumped the kids with us again. She earns a good salary, but has never given one cent of maintenance money.

My problem is mostly money orientated. My BF earns less than me, not enough to look after the kids on his own, especially with her not helping out. So ALL my money goes to the household expenses, their clothes etc. I was fine with it for a while but I have always been the kind of person who loves to go out for dinner, movies, vacations etc. I have always earned an above average salary so I am used to some sort of good life (lol). With the kids now living with us, I have absolutely NO money for myself.

In the divorce it was agreed that she has sole custody, however they have only lived with her for a year since the divorce. He is too afraid to take her to court for maintenance because she said that she will then take them back and force him to pay a huge amount of maintenance money. She always acts as if that is the reason she gave them back. We have spoken to lawyers etc. who all told him that the court will not be in her favour as she gave up the kids twice, she doesn't see them much (once every three months), does not give any money yet she earns a large salary, goes out every night, wears the best clothes, no debt etc.

I forgot to mention, the kids and I have a brilliant relationship, from the start. They have accepted me and me them, we have a very close connection and I have nothing to complain about their attitude towards me. I am very privileged in that sense.

So my problem is that I am starting to resent the whole situation. I don't know if I want to even be with my BF anymore, I miss my freedom. I never have time for myself, not one minute. WE do not go out; never meet up with friends, so we only ever see each other. My girlfriends have all moved away, he never sees his friends so we have each other and I am bored to death. I miss my single life, no responsibility, and money for myself, can do what I want when I want. I love him to bits, so feeling like this is awful to me. I know I feel like this because it is an adjustment, I went from single, only child, never had to share anything, to full time mom of three kids and a husband, full household chores and paying for all of it. It is a lot to deal with so I know I must cut myself some slack.

Has this happened to others, I mean have you also felt like running away? I am worried that I might just do it eeek! If I think about it is the rest of my life, never having money, never having freedom, forever just sitting at home watching tv, never have five minutes of silence blah blah. I do have maternal feelings towards the kids, I love them and I am a good mom to them. I am a great mom in fact and they are great great kids. I just feel overwhelmed. I didn't ask for this but I did accept it. I want to know how you deal with these feelings of running away and missing your old life. Am I having a midlife crisis??? (I am 40).

The money is an issue, a big big one and I don't know what to do for him to man up and do something about it. He will NEVER go to court, he is too afraid she will take the kids away and no matter what lawyer says any different, he just won’t do it. I have threatened to leave etc. but it won't matter, I know him, he won’t do it.

His ex is such a manipulator, we do get along thankfully, and we are polite and friendly but not FRIENDS. I can't stand her and I am sure she feels the same but for the sake of the kids we do try to be civil. She is such a drama queen though and pretends she is mom of the year. I just shake my head and think you have no idea what I have done for your kids already; you sit in your fancy apartment drinking champagne while I sit here with no money just so your kids can eat!

I feel so guilty for saying I want out, and I know I probably don't really really want to. I love him, love his kids. How do you know that you are okay with this type of life? I never had my own kids, didn't get married either. Always been a free spirit and then boom - a family in five seconds. How do you know if you should rather leave and be alone and in the process hurt him and the kids? Is it ever justified, hurting them for my own gain? Do I really even want that?
I am just so bored, I miss myself, miss who I was, what I did, where I went. I am worried that I gave up my independence for something I might not really want. I mean I cannot travel anywhere, I can’t go work in another country, and everything I ever do from hereon will have to be with keeping the kids in mind. I feel old and that the rest of my life is going to be the same, one day after the other. I thought if you have a husband and kids your life is meant to be fulfilled. Does it feel different because they are not my real kids??
:sick:

taffycat's picture

Thanks for the reply. I know I have no responsibility but what do I do, eat alone, see them not wearing new clothes, not have them do sports in school? When I went into a relationship with him I told myself to go all in or not at all. I assumed I would be their stepmom and that I had to have that responsibility. Was I wrong? Do I not HAVE to be their mom and with that have the mom responsibility? I am 100% a co parent, I am fully their mom and they demand all my attention all the time, every day, just like girls do with their mom. I don't think I could take on less responsibility to them - I wouldn't even know how haha.

What do you guys do if you are a stepmom with stepkids living with you? Maybe I am doing too much but then how do I do less?

If I move out, he will not want to be in a relationship with me, he is super worried that I might leave him anyway so that will put fuel on the fire. Even with moving out, at some point, if we get married, I'd have to move back in so I will be back where I start. I also think he doesn't want to go the court route as they have had a civil relationship since the divorce, but only because he has been too soft on her. He doesn't want them to fight. They fought all the time when married, he is not a fighter himself.

mimisha's picture

Hey there, this situation is not ideal, I understand how you would feel awful not sharing the money you have with the kids, and how you want to help your man out...BUT you say it yourself, you are resentful that your life, as per your words, is now boring and lacks extras for yourself. If giving all this to someone makes you resent them, makes you unhappy, you have your answer, I think (I would feel this way too though)

I'm the type of person who tends to put myself last, I can live with being last on my own list, but I can't live with the sentiment of endless resentment, this is a killer (kills the relationship...how are you supposed to feel lovey-dovey about someone when they are the reason you're not happy?)So I'm learning to set my limits...it's a slow process..

Although it can be normal to do alot for the kids, it might be less normal to do all this when your man does less than you do, and when their mother does even less, close to nothing...what would he do without you, as others on the forum have mentioned? You don't have to be superwoman...

It's not unreasonable for him to ask for the mother to financially support her children...if he puts his need to not fight with his ex/the ex's need to enjoy her life above your need to find some balance in your life, then it's up to you to decide if this is something you can live with, and find some happiness...sounds tough to me, but to each his own...best of luck to you

hereiam's picture

Your BF needs to learn how to stand on his own two feet and take care of himself and his. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because you won't support him and his kids, what does that tell you?

Get yourself out of this situation, you are being used by both your BF and his ex.

Good Lord, why would you even think of marrying him?

Stormyweather's picture

Ugghhhh....you are 40 years old and feeling like you are trapped? Your'e not even married....thank goodness. Why marry a man who is so willing to put you and your happiness last? He cares more for how BM feels than you.

You say he is worried you will leave him...BUT then go on the say he will not want to continue a relationship with you if you wanted to live independently...why? Because you are wanting to take control of YOUR life (which you only have one of) and HE cant manipulate you into feeling guilty when he dosent have you around 24/7.....so instead he covertly threatens you to break up should you want to live independently, and look after yourself whilst he tends to his kids.....covert manipulation and Im sorry, but uou sound co dependent....I totally relate....that was me once...until I saw through the manipulation and TOOK MY LIFE BACK...and now Im sooooo happy. NO ONE takes advantage of me and my skids do not use me anymore.

Co dependents are a sitting duck for passive aggressive characters....they know our triggers (which is using guilt to have everything go their way)....and your BF knows it and is taking advantage of you. Start researching being codependent and passive aggressive behavior... you might be surprised to discover you are being covertly manipulated by your BF... no wonder he drops the hint he wont want a relationship should you DARE seek some independence from HIS responsibilities...that means HE will have to get up off his backside and do something about it. No wonder he wants to keep the status quo going.... its ALL in his favour. I cant see the love he says he has for you when hes willing to ignore your unhappiness just so that he and BM are happy.

Something to ponder.

taffycat's picture

Thank you for all the replies, you all are really awesome.

Okay so I thought about it and I am not using this as an excuse, but have to point out that he is a really really great guy. He had a huge paying job but the Company closed down and he had to start over. It is extremely difficult to find jobs (South Africa) at the moment for various reasons.

So to get back to the post. I had a chat to him last night, a long one, where I said what I felt and he listened. I asked for help as I am feeling like from the word go I was given all this responsibility of being the Mom and handling the entire household with him in the backround. I cannot blame him for it as I allowed it, and he didn't force it on me. I have to admit, when the kids moved in I told myself I will be their mother, I will be the best mother ever, I can do it all, I can be superwoman. Well I was stupid!!! I told him I have lost myself, my brain capacity is filled 100% with only thoughts on the kids. I just took it all on, I think I probably thought it was my job to do so. I didn't get a handbook on what a stepmom is meant to do lol.

He promised to take on some more, assume some more responsibility in household chores, discipline etc. He will start the process on the BM and finance.

I must admit, I don't think he forced the kids and the mom-responsibility on me because he didn't want to do it. I hear what he says, their BM is pretty useless, he doesn't trust the kids with her and he truly 100% sees me as their Mom. Obviously It is awesome that he thinks that much of me.

I asked for more time to myself, that I will pull back a bit as supermom and I am going to try and step away from trying to be perfect and not let the kids consume me.

Basically I don't know how to be a Stepmom if not a 100% Supermom. I don't know how to step back and I realise it is probably because I feel there is nobody to step in, does that make sense?

I will give it some time - I do need to do some soul searching - my fear is that what if this is completely not what I want. What if I do not even want kids or rather not this responsibility? You know telling yourself you want it doesn't mean you really want it if that makes sense?

Pixiegardener's picture

It does make sense, but I have got some red flags about this too. He may be a "great guy", you know better than us, but based on the actions he has been taking, I have to wonder what his ability to make changes really is. If I were you, as hard as it is, I would set a time limit on him starting the process with bm, and I would IMMEDIATELY start forcing yourself to make time for you and separate your finances. Yeah, you will probably feel guilty - do it anyway! Guilt won't kill you. Start doing what you said you would to - so that he sees you are not kidding around. Otherwise, it was just a bunch of wasted breath. Good luck!