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Girlfriend does not want her son to be disciplined

Jimmyzee's picture

Been with my girlfriend about 2-2.5 years. When we first moved in last year it was a pretty smooth transition. Her 4 year old son at the time listened and acted great. He was eager to learn new things and help us with anything we would let him.
Since about last October her and the step son have decided that they no longer want to listen or do anything I ask them too. He won't clean his room, brush his teeth or do anything we ask of him now. He instead talks back and tells us what he is going to do and tells us what we have to do. My girlfriend defends him now. If I tell him to go to his room or pick up his toys before I take them away and put them where he can't get to them to play with them he throws a fit and crys, and once the tears start it's very difficult to get him to stop unless you give him what he wants.
His mom has told me that his biological father doesn't believe in disciplining children and that I'm not being fair to her child by making him follow different rules at my house. I told her that he needs to listen or they could leave. It has been hell ever since. I had found my cell phone broken, tools from the garage thrown in the back yard and left outside. I do have a small shop in the garage and have explained to everyone for the kids safety I don't want him in the garage. She allows him to go out there during the day when I'm at work. He knocks things over and his mom always tells me that I'm not being fair.
He sticks his fingers in other people's food at the dinner table drinks everyone's drinks and refuses to drink his. If I try to explain to him why it's wrong to do that she defends him and tells me to chill out. She cooks two separate meals at night one for him and one for us. I've explained to her we can make stuff he likes or let him help cook dinner but I want him to eat what's on his plate. We've now got to the point where I stay to myself and let her deal with the kid. He is starting to do the same thing to her and now she is telling me the problem with his attitude is because I don't spank him when he acts out. I explained to her that she needs to have my back when I verbally correct him before I start spanking him. I'm afraid that if I spank him that she will later on say I was over reacting or being abusive.
Recently she came to me asking about having a child together. I don't feel comfortable with this idea at all. Is she going to argue with me about how to raise my own child? Is this behavior typical with family's that have step children? I'm out of ideas as far as trying to get her on the same page as me about teaching kids right from wrong and teach him to be responsible.

twoviewpoints's picture

Do not spank this kid. You have a mother and father who won't discipline their kid, none of them will (kid included) will accept you physically spanking him. If your GF wants her kid spanked she'll have to do it herself.

Do not have a child with this woman. She's showing you right now her parenting beliefs and abilities.

thinkthrice's picture

You cannot care more about the kid than his bio parents do...especially in their presence.

Rags's picture

BULLSHIT!!!! The kid complies with the rules of whatever house he is in, not the other way around. Make sure the rules are clear, discussed with the 4yo regularly, and that they rules are enforced.

You SO seems hell-bent on being a complete waste of parenting skin. I would make damned sure that I did not spawn with her if I were you unless you want this same polluted parenting result in your own children.

This is not a rare thing for blended family primary relationships. My bride of nearly 22yrs and I had to work through it too. We met when SS-23 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.

Here is where I landed on this issue. If your SO will not step up and discipline before you have to then she can bite her tongue and have your back while you do it. After a while I evolved this to insist that she step up and be the primary disciplinarian. That your SO is pushing you to spank….. I think rather than take on that as a primary role for yourself you need to hand your SO the paddle and tell her to go to town on the kid’s butt.

I had no issue with spanking my SS when he was young but something does not pass the smell test with your SO insisting that the problem is YOU not spanking the Skid. Mommy is the one dropping the ball on this so hold mommy accountable for stepping up, parenting, and disciplining. Don’t allow her to avoid the spankings she so strongly is insisting that you provide.

As I said, something does not pass the smell test regarding your SO’s waffling position on your disciplining of her spawn.

Amcc13's picture

Do not have a child with this woman. She and her son need to leave your home effective immediately. Like in the next week.

On eggshells's picture

Wow. If I were you I'd put a lock on the garage or some other space where practical and put anything you want to protect in there. You cannot trust your SO to do this. You guys really need to talk about this. This is a deal breaker.

I'm in sort of a similar situation but not as extreme

I know this type of parent. They would rather give them whatever they want rather than face an issue or deal with the consequences of "no". I'm a teacher and parents have admitted doing this at home when I spoke to them in conferences. Also, children absolutely learn different rules for different settings. In my experience, plenty of kids act differently in school than the do at home, follow different rules at daycare, etc. Even dogs can do this . There is so much wrong with this picture.

Tbone's picture

It's tough, to make that transition in a fairly new relationship where young kids are involved. If after 2 years of being in these childrens spend QT and money on them then it should be discussed shortly after when is is ok from the BP to discipline his/her children..I've recently experienced with my "Ex" girlfriend..I verbally disciplined her wild 2 yo..for throwing a tantrum for unknown reasons in my thing i see is a chicken nugget flying from the back hitting the dashboard...I hesitated to see if the mother was gonna nip that behavior in the bud...but she took too i firmly said in a mans tone..."Thats a " Ah Ah"!! To let the child know that some things will not be tolerated. All this after witnessing the Bp passive parenting skills that lead upto this recent behavior....that nugget could've been a toy block or baby bottle and cracked my navigation screen...just saying or thrown in daycare and put a kids eye out sort of I purposely wanted to impact her actions with a firm response...I think it worked...the baby didn't cry or anything...i think she got the point based on other experiences with her..but the mom got angry an said I didn't have to yell...I said wow...your just not used to a man helping you raise your children..needless to say the Bp oldest daughter is a stripper that I believe stems from lack of disclipline from an absent father....It's difficult to stand by and watch a childs parents fall short of teaching life lessons when the opportunity presents itself...I don't feel like I did anything wrong..because my children biological and step from my second marraige...turned out great.