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Don't love the children and I think it may be time to let her go

blackstalk's picture
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Hi.

I'm a 34yr old male living with my 28yr old fiance and her two sons 10yr and 3yr, both from the same father.

Her and I have tried living together before. The first time was when the now oldest son was 4 years old. It was just us the three of us and we couldn't make it work, so we broke up, she returned with the biological father and had another boy with him. They broke up 1year after the second boy was born

I hadn't seen here for 5 yeats, and about 7 months ago she was in town and wanted to get some closure. So we met up. We kept talking and decided to have another go at the relationship. We figured we had both grown into more mature adults and could make it work. I was warned by her sister that this new boy of hers was the worst, her brother-in-law also warned me not to do it becuase he truly hated the new 3yr old. I ignored them and convinced her to quit her job and move in with me.

The moment she moved in, it was aparent that this child was going to be a lot of work. The 10yr old was fine becuase he just mostly retreated to his room and played games all day, This 3yr old though is a complete spoiled brat, throws tantrums and cries all day long.  Completlely disrespectful, doesn't listen, is way far behind and acts like a 1yr old. He can only make like 2 annoying sounds and just drives me up the wall! At first i tried my best to help discipline the kid, give him some boundaries, contain him and help her start getting some sort of control of him. It's been 6 months now living with him and he has just progressivly gotten worse. Everytime I think we're making some progress he takes 10 steps backwards. I got to the point that I told her I had to step down from being the authority and that she would now have to take the complete authoritve role because she was starting to resent the way i treated him. Once I stepped back, it just got harder for me to be around the kid. Just recently I've started retreating to my room and can hear him outside misbehaving and crying every five minutes. We just got itno a huge fight because i've been hiding in my room. I hate being a step parent, i really can't see my self doing this for the rest of my life.

I've tried to do nice things with them like walks in the park, trips to the meseum, but I have now lost all motivation to do anything with them as a family. The kids recently went to their dads for a week and the youngest returned with even more bad habits and more of a spoiled brat than he already was.

I mean my fiance has tried to implement much of what I tell her, and some of it seems to help, yet new issues arrise all the time and I see no end in sight with his behaviour.

I feel horrible now becuase I made her quit her job and move down, and now I don't want anything to do with this step parenting role. I'm thinking of just calling off the engagement and breaking off the relationship, becuase I would feel horrible to lead these kids into a marriage where I don't love them (and can't stand one of them), just becase I love this woman.

I feel selfish and some many other things, but I just can't see my future with these kids.

Do keep trying to make it work?

Lndsy747's picture

Threenagers are tough! My friends daughter was a complete monster at that age. I think my friend was a little too much of a push over but she really tried overall to change her behavior. She's now 5 and has grown out of it mostly. She's still a little rebellious but not horrible.

If you think your fiance is trying and making improvement i'd say maybe give it some more time. Sometimes fixing behavioral issues with kids can get worse as they push back and test the water before realizing you're not going to give in and actually changing. Does the kid really not talk at all? If so has she looked into a speech therapist if he's having trouble communicating that could be part of it.

However if you feel the behavior is because of her lack of parenting and won't get better then get out now. 

blackstalk's picture

I get it that the kid is three, but he's been conditioned in these bratty ways until i recently stepped in and called it out. I told her something is wrong with the kid cause he really does not speak. Just says a few sounds, so I was the one who told her to bring it up to her doctor, and she now has a speech therapy appointment for him next week.

I really do feel like he behavior is due to lack of parenting and she has admitted it, and she also swears that while im at work she's helping him improve. I'm not buying it though becasue there is very llittle to no improvement. and I think she only does it while im around.

We just got into a huge fight and I think she's ready to leave me tomorrow becuase I finally admitted that I don't think I can have a loving relationship witth the 3 yr old and that I can't stand being around him.

I feel like even if I keep trying it out, im still going to end up wanting to get out somewhere down the line.

Lndsy747's picture

Honestly it seems like your have your mind somewhat made up so I'll flip this around . . . Why stay?

Curious Georgetta's picture

make it work when there was only 1 child  who was not developmentally delayed.

The child needs diagnosis and treatment. If you are unhappy in this situation , you do not owe it to anyone to remain. Your fiancee is an adult and she ,from prior experience with both you and her ex, knows that these repeat/return relationships do not always have good endings.

It is unfortunate that she uprooted her kids and gave up her job for this trial life situation, but better to know early on that this  cannot work.

Perhaps, you are better suited to a relationship where there are no children with whom you are expected to live.

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

make it work when there was only 1 child  who was not developmentally delayed.

The child needs diagnosis and treatment. If you are unhappy in this situation , you do not owe it to anyone to remain. Your fiancee is an adult and she ,from prior experience with both you and her ex, knows that these repeat/return relationships do not always have good endings.

It is unfortunate that she uprooted her kids and gave up her job for this trial life situation, but better to know early on that this  cannot work.

Perhaps, you are better suited to a relationship where there are no children with whom you are expected to live.

 

blackstalk's picture

Well some of me feels guilty for having her quit her job and move in. I really thought I could make it work and her kids would end up loving me and vice versa. I do love it when we're together, just us two. It seems like my list of why I shouldn't stay seems to be getting longer. As much as I love her, I feel like i'd be doing a huge diservice to the kids by locking down the marriage when infact I don't like being a stepparent. If I do keep trying at what point do i say "Ok this is the last chance to try and make it work"?

Leilene's picture

I agree that it was not a good call to tell her to quit her job. That’s a wife privilege, not a girlfriend privilege. That is a commitment you initiate and stick to for someone you have already lawfully deemed as worthy enough to officially have your name and share your life for the simple fact that it means you would be willing to persevere and work things out through any obstacles. It’s great that you have such a generous, giving nature but now you know to use it with caution and don’t just jump into a situation with it. 

If you marry her, you’ll be miserable. 

Lndsy747's picture

Being a step parent is way harder than you'd expect until you've walked in those shoes so I definitely understand. I don't think many people on here went into it expecting to be as bad as it was.

Don't stay out of guilt it will only lead to future resentment down the line towards her and her kids. At the end of the day although you love spending time with her your anger is being misplaced towards her kids when she's the one who's really to blame for poor parenting.

blackstalk's picture

Correct, I can't stay out of guilt, we both made that choice. I know it's poor parenting at the end of the day, and god forbid we have a kid of our own and she still chooses the same lazy, spoiled approach. It was me that made her see how she was always taking the easy way out and how it truy affected the kid. I think she's leaving today, for her the kids come first and she said If i can't love them then she cant love me.

tog redux's picture

You didn't "make her" quit her job, she chose to do that. You won't be doing her any favors to marry her when you feel like this. The time before getting married should be a happy time, not a time where one person is having serious doubts and not telling the other person.  Tell her you are feeling as if you can't live long term with her kid unless she gets him under control and learns to parent more effectively. Are you two going to have your own kids and bring them into this mess?

Honestly, the kid sounds like he could use an evaluation by the pediatrician for developmental issues.  He can only make two sounds and he's three? (Or are you saying he constantly makes these annoying sounds but he can talk normally).

Be kind to her and be honest about your feelings.

SteppedOut's picture

Definitely sounds like development issues...or extreme lack of parenting. Does she read to her son? Does the child have lots of books? Or is he just left to "roam"? My son is 2.5 and has a pretty significant vocabulary, so just grunting out 2  sounds is pretty extreme. Honestly, even if it is development issues, imo, a good - hell even a half way decent - parent would be addressing issues with a doctor. 

I would have a huge problem being in a relationship with a "bad parent". That is just setting yourself up to be miserable...and, well, its just disgusting to see. 

Jcksjj's picture

Not speaking at 3 is unlikely to be just a lack of books...they dont need to be read to to develop at least normal speech, most kids pick it up just from their environment. Either theres extreme neglect where the kid isnt ever hearing speech or a developmental issue or a physical issue such as hearing problems. Agree with other comments that its neglectful for the parent not to be addressing the concerns. There is no way if the kid is being brought in for wellness checks that the dr hasn't asked about speech. Either shes a lunatic or in extreme denial and have fun dealing with either.

 

SteppedOut's picture

Not just a lack of books... but a general lack of interaction. So if mom is sitting around all day watching tv/phone/whatever and not interacting with her child at all, the child will be delayed. 

There was a mom at my daycare that got postpartum psychosis and basically ignored her baby. She fed her and that was it. The child was delayed by the lack of intetaction. Seriously after just a month attending (the very loving and nurturing) daycare there was an amazing difference. 

blackstalk's picture

He can only make two sounds and he's three?

Yes that is correct, he only makes a couple sounds on his own and sturggle swhen you try to get him to copy you with other sounds. About a month ago out of frustration I told her that there's something wrong with the kid. I asked her why she never brought it up to any of her doctors and her answer was that they don't need to know details about her life. She calls him her wild child and before I stepped in she would let the kid run her, the house, and beat up on the older one, pull hair, punch etc. She thought it was funny and normal.

So now that I'm writing this all out it makes sense that there is no way I would want to have a child with her and bring them into this mess.

I really do see that 3yr old having far greater issues as he ages, considering her and the biological fathers poor parenting.

tog redux's picture

How could you have any respect for this woman? What if you two have a child and he/she needs help, and she won't tell the doctor because it's not the doctor's business?

Someone needs to call CPS on your GF and her ex.  That child is being neglected, and it's very sad.

hereiam's picture

I hadn't seen here for 5 yeats, and about 7 months ago she was in town and wanted to get some closure.

For future reference, "closure" does not mean "get back together".

End it. It didn't work the first time, it's not working now.

We figured we had both grown into more mature adults and could make it work.

But you didn't give it enough time (a month?) to know that before asking her to move in with you. You both rushed into this and it was a mistake.

She chose to quit her job and move in with you (with 2 kids) after talking to you for a month. Who does that?

 

 

blackstalk's picture

I think she's leaving today to stay with their father the next town over. Last night I told her that I wanted more time with her when I get home from work since she spends all day with the kid already (she didn't like that). I also told her that I couldn't stand the kid and it was hard for me to be around him without wanting to rip my hair out. I think that was the last straw for her, in her eye's the kids come first, everything revolves around them and if I can't love them then she's out.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Good. She is too child-centric and now you know. Dump her and her feral brats and wtf her going back to baby daddy??? Good riddance!

Leilene's picture

So, in her eyes, you should provide for her and her children while she ignores the reasons why one of them makes your life miserable and should you be open about the issues, how dare you not accept that her children are first and all of your concerns are secondary? She’s a disgusting, incompetent companion and an overall lesser romantic experience. Put her in your rear view mirror where she belongs. 

Rags's picture

If my bride had not immediately been all in on the concept that as equity life partners we are also both equity parents to any children in our home I would have been gone long ago.

I was an equity parent to my SS-26 as he was growing up.  His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.  We had some of the visitation related behavioral and hygiene problems that you are experiencing with your Skids.  What we did was set the standards of reasonable behavior and enforce those standards regardless of what went on during SS's visitation time with his BioDad's clan.

It was not easy but we made it work.

It worked well enough that SS-26 asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.

Based on your discription of your situation I would say it is time for you to end this.  Your SO is not willing to actually parent her toxic 3yo, BioDad is useless.

A kid free Sparent is in a unique situation than other flavors of Sparents.  We do not have the clouded vision of Sparents who have their own children while having to deal with the children of a partner.  We see only the behaviors of the Skids that are in our home.   Their behaviors are comparatively crystal clear to us while our partners rarely have the same clarity of fact regarding their children.

Move on. Do yourself the favor of not suffering this intollerable situation any longer.  And do your SO and her children the favor of leaving them to navigate their issues free of your clear understanding of their issues.

Goog luck.

Take care of you.

Healyourslf's picture

The thing about life is WE ALWAYS HAVE CHOICES.  We make mistakes and are given an opportunity to learn and change.

"for her the kids come first and she said If i can't love them then she cant love me."

She's obviously already chosen her priority and path. You've already tossed guilt around - it's is a useless emotion that keeps people vacillating in remorse and wishful thinking. 

You are being given an OPPORTUNITY...take it with gratitude. You've been honest with yourself and forthcoming to her.  That's respectable and wise. Go create the life and relationship that will make you happy.

Endings are just new beginnings.

marblefawn's picture

It sounds as if you made your decision.

Now be generous. You both agreed she'd quit her job so you could be together. The only right thing is for you to help her get back on her feet so you can separate. I know they aren't your kids, but you do share some responsibility for her being out of the workforce.

Start thinking of what you're willing to do to help her make this transition. It will probably cost you, but think of how much money you're saving in the long run.

More importantly, think how different this would be if you hadn't talked her into quitting her job and shacking up before you knew the family was right about the younger kid. I always say, if you aren't williing to marry someone, why shack up with them? It's nearly the same thing as marriage, but people do it without thinking -- as if it's the natural next step after a year or a few months of dating. And when things go wrong, as they have, getting out of it is nearly the same as when you're married.

blackstalk's picture

You're right,. Usually she's up before me to takes the oldest to school and she wasn't, and also slept in their room. I pretty sure she's done and is packing as we speak.

When I get back home from work and if she's gone, I will send her a couple thousand dollars with this money App and hopefully she accepts it.

futurobrillante99's picture

Why would you send her money? This outcome is due to her poor parenting and she’s going to live with her ex.

She’s an adult and can handle thevonswequebces of her choices.

Rags's picture

If she is leaving make sure to rekey the locks.  Stay safe.  

And if she does leave I would not fund her move. If she does not ask... make it easy on yourself.

blackstalk's picture

Im so heart broken, I came home an she's gone. I think the hardest part was seeing the ring left on the table. Man this sucks, but I tried, i really tried. I loved her and all I wanted, as one of you mentioned, was equity. I told her what I wanted last night and thats all i could do was be honest.

I want to thank all of you though for the great advice. It really is helping to go through and read over everything again. Thanks again!

Rags's picture

At least she left the ring on her way out.  While I understand the heart break, I think that this is great news for you.  So, do not engage with her at all. She made her choice, that choice was not you.  So remove access to you.

Now is time to review Rags's 3 day rule.

A breakup only hurts the most for about three days. On day 4 the pain fades a bit and continues to fade each day after day 3. Unless..... you re-engage with the X.  Then it all just starts over again.  Stay the course. Only one more day until the pain starts to recede. Do not take her calls, do not send her any more money, do not interface with her at all.  She has gone to her X. That is amazingy telling regarding her lack of commitment to you and her lack of character.

My XW broke up with me after we had been dating for 9mos.  I refused to let that happen. We ended up marrying about a year and half later.  Our marriage lasted 2.5 years.  She never stopped dating once we married and the cavern crotched skank whore was servicing every swinging Johnson she could get hold of the whole time we were married.  The best gift I received was her telling me she wanted a divorce.  I should have waved goodbye to her when she broke up with me while we were dating.  My bad. But I learned.

Your XSO is gone. Do yourself a favor and keep her that way. Let she and her X deal with their toxic crotch droppings.  You did yourself a great service by not polluting your own gene by spawning with her.

Eventually you will find an amazing women to build a life and family with.  There is no need to take on someone elses toxic baggage to make that happen. If that woman has children they will be well behaved, well parented little ladies or gentlemen and not toxic crotch nuggets.

Take care of you.

Curious Georgetta's picture

feelings about her and her current financial circumstances. Do what feels right and consistent with your  feelings and character.

There is no prescribed way to handle this. It is only important that you do what allows you to feel that you are being true to the man that you believe yourself to be.

Good luck; breakups are never easy.

blackstalk's picture

Thanks, I did ended up sending her some money this morning, a good thing is that she reccently got some tax return and is also staying with the Bio Dad. As someone mentioned they need to navigate their issues on their own away from my clear vision of what those are. I made a big list of the Pro's to this situation and along with all this advice it's helping get through this.

marblefawn's picture

It was a mutual decision, apparently. You can feel better about that. If you start to feel bad about the breakup, just remember why you did it. Good luck!

blackstalk's picture

It's been a few days now, and i'm starting to feel so much better! I completely cut her off and my parents drove down to stay with me for a few days as well.

The thing was that when I took on the responsibility of those two kids, i told her that I would give them 100% of me and I did exactly that without complaing. I dropped all of my hobbies and focused everything on them. Now that she's gone I already got a new gym membership, and I'm also excited to get back to my jiu jitsu training which I had been practicing for over ten years and she hated it.

The feeling of dropping all that baggage I was carrying is wonderful. I can't wait to get myself back on track and look forward to a more beautiful woman one day with whom I can start my own family. This forum has really helped me through this and I can't thank you all enough for the wise words and support.

hereiam's picture

Letting her go was obviously the right thing to do. 

You will find someone better suited for you!

Tonytompkins's picture

I know this is Their personal matter, but if they have already done with the discussion of divorce, then the husband should discuss the property or home selling topic to his wife as they haven't yet got apart from each other legally. According to me the lady should hire an estate planning attorney cherry hill nj ( http://www.scottcounsel.com/NJEstatePlanningAttorney/ ) to take some step on her behalf and in her favor. This will help lady to take some decision in her favor.