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What to do???

Lndmom's picture

Ok, this is my first time ever on a blog so please be kind..... I just need a little help.. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 10years. He has a 18 and 16 yr old girls and I have a 12yr old boy and 10yr old girl. He has pretty much been their only dad. When we first got together he would do and say things to my kids that I did not necessarily agree with but would let happen to see how it worked. Somethings worked somethings we had to have a disscussion about but for the most part we could agree on how to raise "my" children as ours. Fast forward to about 4 years ago, his ex decided to drop their kids off at our house and move to another country. Basically at the beginning they were just going to stay in the living room until we could move bunk beds and figure somethings out. The girls finally told us they didn't want bunk beds and just kinda took over the living room and dining room area as their rooms. Ideally we would just move out into a bigger home but at this time we are still paying her child support and medical support and trying to pay a lawyer to find her before she left the country. Then come to find out she never had the kids on Medicaid which meant we also got to pay for 2 sets of braces... So basically we are struggling but at least making it... Fast forward 4years... We are having a big home built and should be done in a few months but HERE IS MY PROBLEM... the 18yr old is totally and completely utterly disrespectful....i love her and am committed to helping her gain the most basic needs (a car, a dl, graduating high school) but I just can not deal with how she treats me..... Let me express they are all good kids, her included, she has a job, is working towards passing her driving test and is a good student, she just has a terrible attitude that causes issues with everyone in the house, all of the kids (even her sister) have commented on how she acts and treats them. Her sister told me it's exhausting sometimes and that's how I feel All of the time..  when i try and speak to her father about it, it normally goes 2 ways...he either gets really mad and blows up on her or he tries to compare my mouthy 10yr old to her. Which I do have a mouthy 10yr old but I explain to him i can discipline her ,I can't with your 18 yr old. PLEASE help what should i do????


justmakingthebest's picture

I have an autistic mouthy 18 yr old at home. When he does start in on me and he does becasue there is no such thing as a brain to mouth filter... I just say "Nah uh... DH you handle that sh** now". DH handles it, I get an apology and we move on. 

Sounds like your problem is more with your SO not requiring general respect of you from his kids. This is a SO problem as much as it is a SD problem. 

Disengagement will be a popular answer. She is18, she can handle herself, including laundry, food, etc. You see, as an adult when we are rude, people don't just do things for us. 

CLove's picture

Her lack of respect for ANYONE in your household, the energy drain, the darkness - I had all that with Toxic Feral Eldest.

Stop doing anything for her. Allow your SO to do EVERYTHING, including car and drivers license. His kid = his issue.

Some of the Pearls of widsome from the Disengagement Manifesto:

1. You cannot care more than the parents (or parent) do.

2. She has parents (a parent) and you arent it. Focus your energies on YOUR kiddos.

3. If you have responsibility without Authority, and its getting bad, you must relinquish that responsibility. Allow SO to be solely responsible for her. It is his job as a parent to disciipline and deal with her.

Here is a nice link - there are many others out there:

lieutenant_dad's picture

You can't be a "good kid" while also having an attitude that sucks the energy out of the room.

Getting good grades is EXPECTED because that is a teenager's job. Getting her DL is EXPECTED because it's necessary to become a full-functioning adult. Getting a part-time job is EXPECTED because work experience is needed as a life skill.

She is doing things that should be EXPECTED of her. Unless you call every adult you meet who drives and works everyday a "good adult" and allow it to mask their horrible personality flaws, then you're doing your SD a disservice by thinking of her as a "good kid".

She's horrid, and horrid people don't have others do things for them. She needs her DL, but she can buy her own car, or you all drop $500 on a beater car and tell her that she better get a job and figure it out. If your SO won't back you up on that, then disengage totally- and that includes with your money, time, and listening to your SO gripe about her.

She needs to learn that having a horrid personality comes with consequences, and all because she does what is expected doesn't mean she deserves rewards. Maybe when everyone stops talking to her, stops cooking for her, stops doing her laundry, etc, she'll realize that being nice had the perk of others being nice to her, too.

CLove's picture

I was confused by the "good kid" designation as well...thanks for clarifying Biggrin

It could be BM desertion causing her to act out as well.

ESMOD's picture

when does the 18 year old adult leave the nest?  this situation should resolve itself partially by that.  also, yousay that she is like this with others.. so it isn't necessarily personal.  I don't think I would have a problem telling her that her words/actions are uncalled for.. but it might be a stage.. her age.. getting dumped by BM... maybe counseling to see if she has an underlying issue?

Lndmom's picture

Ok, so she is 18 and graduates this yr (some schooling issues with her mom from when she was younger) but I highly doubt she will be moving out of our home because where would she go? She doesn't have many friends because YES she acts like this towards almost everyone, and yes I have told her the way I treat you will be a direct reflection of how u treat me so don't ask me to help u if u are going to be mean everyday.  She has gone to counseling and it did seem to help a little but even the counselor had some respect issues with her at the beginning. But now when we mention it she says she doesn't need help. She did buy her own car, MY ex-sister in law gave me a great deal on a car and I suggested it for her. She bought it with her own money and we try to praise her for doing things like that so she has a sense of accomplishment. When I say "good kid" I mean YES what is expected as a growing adult and have tried to explain all the kids that this is our roll as parents is teaching them how to grow up Successfully.  But she doesn't go out and do drugs and sleep around or even just some typical "bad teenage behavior" like sneaking out or partying. It's just a terrible attitude and how she treats people but those are BIG problems in a growing young women.   I feel so confused. I just spoke with my boyfriend and his suggestion to a particular problem today is to make a household rule... I'm ok with that but I'm not a child and feel like because of 1 bad attitude our whole house and my lifestyle is being affcted... I always tell my boyfriend, I can handle normal teenage fits and assholeness but she is just so disrespectful it's again so exhausting

Harry's picture

Don’t think there must of a effort to pass driving test, everybody does that.  Again Disengage, don’t do anything for her,  ?  she disrespect you and she is on her own.  Get some exit plan for her, yo get out of your home. You don’t want a disrespectful 29 yo living with you. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

"I just spoke with my boyfriend and his suggestion to a particular problem today is to make a household rule... I'm ok with that but I'm not a child and feel like because of 1 bad attitude our whole house and my lifestyle is being affcted..."

Am I reading this correctly that your boyfriend wants to make a household rule that applies to SD as well as you? If she is doing something wrong, she should stop it - it is perfectly fine to have a "rule" that applies to only her or only to the children in the household. It is not fine that a household rule should affect your lifestyle in a negative way. You are an adult in the household and she is not - she is not your equal.

Lndmom's picture

Ha, yes that is exactly what he meant and I laugh because we reaction was much the same to what u said. I told him I already have lived with rules I grew up so I didn't have to live with rules, and that we are the rulers of our home not our children. It may seem silly but the rule is no phones in the bathroom... 1 bathroom 6 people. 2 of them teenage girls and a 12yr old boy...  I'm obviously ok without my phone it was just the point of the matter to me... I was very clear to him on this and agreed we will tell the children the new rule. It started with my kids (They get out of school earlier) I broke it to them, they weren't happy but understood it was for the greater good.  Last night we let the older girls know... this morning as I walk in the door from taking the youngest to school the 16yr old is telling me how crazy her sister she tried to push her way in the bathroom and got forceful when said sister was in bathroom. I go to speak with 18yrold doing makeup in bathroom and she is watching Netflix!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told her to give me her phone and she said NO and to leave her alone... I basically told her to give me or phone or get out of the flipping bathroom. She left the bathroom screaming and throwing things. I just went ahead and recorded her so maybe her father can see what actually goes on..... I hate having to do this but I guess it's the only way he can see how she causes theses problems every single day.... oh... and for people wondering about working on passing a driving test... she waited till she was 18 because she refused to get a job so I refused to put her in drivers ed. She finally got a job and did the online over 18 driving course ,and  yes we took her out driving but failed the 1st driving test.. she must work on actual road driving and is scheduled to retake in December. This is another thing I tell her, u can't expect me to want to get in a small car and drive with u for practice if this the way u treat me... so we will see how she acts to see how much practice she gets before her test... I know that may sound horrible as a parent but I have been trying to "disengage".