Since when do the rules not apply?
I have been married to my husband for 6 months. I have 3 children from a previous marriage and he brings 3 children to the marriage from a previous marriage. Recently his 13 year old and 16 year old sons have been showing aggression and hostility towards me and my children. Both boys have been put into counseling by their BM because she says that there is something going on because they do not want to come to our home anymore. Both boys told their counselor that they don't like coming to our home because we have rules. The boys say that they should not have to follow the rules because they are "my" rules, and they don't have rules at their BM's home. We aren't talking about difficult rules....They are rules like: if you get it out, put it back; ask permission before getting a snack or pop; take a shower daily; respect others; 30 minute computer time limits; etc. When my husband and I got married, we sat down and agreed on these rules together, and even had a family meeting to discuss these rules with all the kids. The 13 year old SS will lay down in the pew during church and put his feet in the pew which I find disrespectful. When I tried to talk to my husband about it, he acted as if I was crazy for having an issue with it. My husband has even begun overruling me infront of the children. On one instance, both my BS and SS where hitting plastic golf balls against the brick wall infront of our house, and the balls were bouncing off the wall and hitting my BD's bedroom window. She asked them to stop and they wouldn't, so I stepped in and told both the boys to stop. My husband (in front of my son and his son) over ruled me saying it was no big deal that it was a plastic ball and to let it go. Yesterday my husband informed me that my SS's counselor needs me to come to counseling to discuss the issue with MY rules. I agreed to go, but told my husband I was not going to back down from the house rules that WE created together. I believe kids need structure and I don't ask his kids to do anyting I don't ask of my own children. And if I do remind his children of a broken rule, they call their mom right then, who in turn calls my husband and yells at him telling him that if he tries to make his own kids do what he says, that he will loose them. My husband and I have even set up full family weekend trips, only to have his oldest son tell him at the last minute that he isn't going and that his dad can't make him. They are so disrespectfull to their dad (my husband) and he lets them.
Sorry for the rambling, but I'm so frustrated.
Maybe after he thought about,
Maybe after he thought about, dad thinks a few of the rules are a bit much.
The asking for a snack/soda rule seems over the top to me due to their ages. As long as he isn't looking to change major rules (chores, respect, safety ...), tweeking the minor ones might work.
Great advice!
Great advice!
Yes, i agree with SA too.
Yes, i agree with SA too. Too many rules for this age group IMO. 30 min computer limit is really low and teens love their computer time! Get another used one for the older kids to use is a great idea.
You and your DH need to review the rules again and only pick a few IMPORTANT rules that affect everyone. Teens need boundaries for sure, but micro-parenting kids that are not even your BIOS is a recipe for disaster. Good luck.
Thanks for all the input
Thanks for all the input everyone. You have given me a lot to think about and I truly appreciate it!
I had to lock my pantry
I had to lock my pantry because my SD would sneak food, hord & binge.
{yes there are issues why}
plus occasionally I would by myself something to ration out as our grocery bill is tight and she'd devour those of course or if I buy a treat for her or the family I ration it out
If I let her she would devour a whole mega bag of chips in one sitting in addition to meals
Chokinolemons that is exactly
Chokinolemons that is exactly why we established the rule of asking....groceries are EXPENSIVE!
agree, unless on sale I
agree, unless on sale I rarely buy pop or junk food & have lately insisted on generic soda because its cheaper
Yep, i get the ask first rule
Yep, i get the ask first rule too, 5 at home here lol. And SD is also a Miss Piggy, she's another who would eat every snack in the house. We did the same as you OP - SO and i sat and worked out our combined family rules, did the fam. Meeting etc.
Then the skids hated it, going from a no rules environment to a home with structure and expectations! BM also got in on the act. SO decided our rules were too much for his precious ones - why can't they ( at 12 and 9) help themselves - they do at home? Well because SD is obese, we have a tight budget and i don't keep a huge supply of junk so if she akes it upon herself to eat that family sized bag of chips i got as a special treat for EVERYONE for movie night the rest miss out, ss won't eat any tea we serve him, because he grazes right up til dinner time!!!
I offered a compromise of filling a special container with snack foods and they could have 3 a day without askng just not within an hour before tea. Guess what? He said no, better they ask. My girls (whilst not food angels) eat well, are slim and healthy and have good manners i guess he could see what he wanted for his....
I have stopped worrying or correcting table manners, i tell mine still of course, just not the skids. When mine complain i explain (in front of everyone) that i am their mum and i love them and want to raise them to be the best they can be so we have rules to teach them how to grow onto responsible adults. The skids hate this as they KNOW that i care enough to do it for mine and they ARE missing out.
Really i have just learnt to step back and only take them on when it affects me or mine. Do i like sd dressing like a tramp and sitting with it all on display? No, is it my problem to fix? Also no.
I'm suffering some of these
I'm suffering some of these same issue's except, total disrespect, back talking, blaming me for SS actions. SS screams, uses profanity, and violence when he gets in trouble even if DH is the one that get's on to him, it's blamed on me. SS says my kids are treated different, um yes they do not react the way SS does when they get in trouble. Very seldom back talk, and never any of the other crap. So of course their outcome is different from SS when he gets in trouble. Most recently it has turned into expresses wanting me and my kids dead. I don't know what to do as I feel I cannot trust SS around my kids anymore.
We have many of those same
We have many of those same rules and Dh allows them to bend all the time, causing me to be the bad guy when I go "hey, wait a second."
HOWEVER.. in a normal home it's ok for the "mom" to enforce rules without being put in the spot of the evil ogre monster.. We do what we know how to do and we get jackpotted for it.. how is that fair...?? DH does what dads do and he's the good guy.. ugh.
I don't cave, nor do I back down.. rules are rules and they provide structure and stability.. I don't care who gets pissed.. I pay the bills, I clean this place, I work my ass off and what we ask of you isn't unreasonable.. deal with it. I'm not in my relationship with DH to please the skids and earn their blessings.
Hey SMS! Was just thinking
Hey SMS! Was just thinking about you, wondering how things are going for you? Hope you're ok.
Things are getting better..
Things are getting better.. thankfully.
thanks for asking
Had some real serious discussions with DH and I think he gets is.. I would say I know.. but do you ever know things like that 100%...? lol
LMAO - no - everytime I
LMAO - no - everytime I *think* it has sunk in to his thick skull and start to relax something else comes up and I realize "you really don't get it!"
I do feel we are getting there with it, but OH my is it taking a while...
Good luck to you, I really hope you can sort it out and still have your beautiful wedding YOUR way.
I totally agree! And this is
I totally agree! And this is my typical stand, rules are rules! The structure and stability is hard for SS13 because there is none at BMs house. But he has to get over it, and grow up!
Tell your counselor that your
Tell your counselor that your DH needs to stop undermining you in front of the kids. My SO and I certainly differ on parenting and my situation allows me to disengage from pretty much everything. I only have 1 SS16 and he is too lazy to cause the kind of trouble your skids get up to. Your skids are deliberately trying to drive a wedge between you and your DH and because of your DH they are winning. Your DH needs to know the high cost of allowing his kids to do this. If he doesn't like your rules then he needs to wait until the two of you are alone and discuss them. But in front of the kids he needs to back you up. It's critical that you and DH present a united front. That's what his counselor needs to understand. That's more important than any rules about computer use.
I'd discourage you from going to the counselor unless you can go alone. Already I don't trust him or her. Your DH probably wants to gang up on you with the counselor. Or I'd go see your own counselor first, one who has no agenda.
Okay so you can maybe relax the 30 minute computer rule, but the kids not respecting you, and DH undermining you in front of the kids, that's a deal breaker.
Since it's still early days
Since it's still early days for you, I recommend the book Blended Family Advice by Shirley Cress Dudley. I think the kindle version is pretty cheap. I would highly recommend that you read something like that book before going into the counseling session.
My concern is the counselor and your DH are just going to run right over you unless you're armed with information like that found in Blended Family Advice. That way you can stand up for yourself if necessary and you'll know if the counselor is being fair or not. I'm concerned DH has already painted his picture of you to that counselor and you're possibly being set up.
To be honest, you can relax your rules all you want, but nothing is going to change until your DH changes his expectations of what a Blended Family should look like and how he should conduct himself.
I want to thank everyone for
I want to thank everyone for all the encouragement and advice. As of yesterday, my husband moved out, taking his three kids with him. His daughter lied and said my 12 year old threatened to drag her out of bed if she didn't play with her. My husband says its all my 12 year old dtr's fault and that he won't come back home unless I "do something about her". He says he his three kids and he are fed up with my daughter. He won't even talk to me, will only text and as of right now has informed me he isn't doing that anymore either. I'm crushed, devastated and angry that he would put the blame all on a 12 year old. So as of right now, I guess I don't have to worry about any rules being broken.
@annevstress You hit the nail
@annevstress
You hit the nail on the head when you said "They could lie, steal, mouth off, stay up as late as they wanted, come and go as they pleased etc. and there were never any consequences because DH was afraid that if they were expected to behave a certain way or to have any chores at all then they wouldn't want to come visit." That is the exact reason he is doing this. His children have learned that all they have to do is cry and whine enough and threaten not to come to our home and thats it, they get whatever they want. He told me that this weekend when he kept them at his parents house they were happier than they have been since we got married....well DUH! What kid doesn't want their parent all to themselves, and once again, they got their way. I have asked him how he feels about the damage he has done to my children by leaving the way he did and saying that my 12 year old was the problem right in front of her....he refused to answer, saying this was not about him, it was about her bad behaviour.
I am so frustrated.
My SS13 is now in counseling
My SS13 is now in counseling and DH immediately advised to get SS13 on anti-depressants because of what he is thinking in regards to me and my kids. I informed DH that this will all be for nothing if he doesn't get BM in check. The consistent bad mouthing of me and my kids to SKIDs has caused every bit of this. And now I have to worry for my life and my kids. DH just called me and told me that he told BM that she has to stop talking about me and my kids to SS13, her response, we're working on doing better! Seriously, last week she said it never happened. This has been on going for 5 years! I have had to deal with SS24, when he was 21, verbally abusing me, SS19 when she was 17 physically and verbally abusing me, and now SS13 wants to take it a step further, to delete our existence completely. But yet BM hasn't done anything to influence their behavior towards us.