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Problems with stepkids

vanjo68's picture

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, he has two children ages 9 and 13. We got custody of his kids 2 years ago at my urging because I noticed very early on they had problems. Their mother has serious mental issues that I won’t detail because I would have to right a book about it, but to put it short and sweet sshe is a pathological liar and drug addict and her husband is abusive.
I was hoping we could help his children by getting custody but all it has done is cause serious problems in our marriage. His children have done everything they can to interfere in our relationship and my husband has done nothing to stop it. He caters to and coddles them beyond belief. My sd who is 9 is extremely jealous of our relationship as is his son. They ignore me talk only to him and constantly interrupt when he or my children are talking to him. My list could go on and on with their constant manipulation of their father.
The most recent issue involves my ss(13 year old), my son who is 12 and him were playing along with two of their friends, My ss was chasing one of the friends and trying to hit him, so my son threw a plastic ball at him, ss pushed my son into wall then went to his room, thought that was the end of it until two days later I find out he had urinated into 3 shampoo bottles to get back at my son for throwing the ball(they share a bathroom) and he also broke the screen of the friends cellphone because of the incident. My ss admitted doing these things and said he wasn’t sorry for it and didn’t care that he got caught, no remorse whatsoever. This isn’t the first incident with my ss and probably wont be the last. The problem is my husband has his head in the sand when it comes to his children. He thinks this most recent incident was just typical teenage behavior. Am I overreacting by thinking this was not normal behavior??

Anon2009's picture

Many issues can be passed down from one generation to the next. Perhaps this is the case with your stepkids and their mother.

It sounds like your stepkids may have been abused by BM's husband (and possibly BM herself). This is something you should look into (if you haven't already).

The behaviors that are being displayed by your stepkids are behaviors that can be lessened/cured with the help of a psychiatrist/psychologist. Their doctor probably knows of several in your area. Through their actions, these kids are screaming for help. The recent incident involving both boys is by no means normal behavior. Your husband needs to wake up and get these kids some thorough professional help. If he doesn't, he has two possible future criminals on his hands, and he is doing a disservice to his kids.

My husband and I have custody of his two teenage daughters and before we got custody these kids had so many issues. They still do have a lot of issues but they are much better now. Their mother lied to them, tried to poison them against us, and let them live in squalor. She did not properly feed them or clothe them. Did they act out at our house? You bet. But we got them counseling, and their counselor ended up testifying against their mother when we took her to court for custody. They still see this counselor. Their counselor played a huge role in saving our family. Perhaps a counselor for your stepkids could do that for your family as well.

Purpleflower09's picture

I am not going to say that how I deal with things is right or how every one should. But I ask myself, when my SD for example is being a little poutty brat how can I correct her? Then I shift my thought to.." can my HUSBAND correct her". As SM's we automatically feel the need to take over and correct a problem. But sometimes, the problem can not be fixed by us.
The true root of this problem lays with your husband. He is reenforcing their behavior by positive actions such as coddling them and catering to their needs no matter what they do. The suffer no consequences by the dominaant enforcer in their life. They don't see you at all as an authoritive figure because they know you lack power. Children have the ability to divide and conquor. So, you go to the source of the problem...your husband.
You tell him everything how you feel, what you see etc. Explain to him that HE has to fix this situation because HE is the one re-enforcing this behavior. He either acts like a FATHER and not a guilty daddy. All his children are learning is how to manipulate and take what they want...these small children will one day be adults who act the very same way and they will make horrible parents and horrible spouses...explain that to your husband. What we teach and show our children today is what they will do and excercise as adults tomorrow. Tell him that being a guilty daddy is just as much emotional abuse as calling them names to put them down. He is damning these children for when they become adults. The only way you can nip this in the butt is grab a hold of your sense of control in YOUR OWN HOME, you be straight forward, direct and as raw as you can be. Don't panzy around the subject...if the shit is about to hit the fan..let all of it out now and get it over with.

" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

Stick's picture

VanJo 68 - I sincerely believe that whether you handle it, your husband handles it, or eventually police handle it.... one thing to me is positive.

These kids need individual and family counseling. Now. Especially your SS who is acting out and showing no remorse.

I hope you can convince your husband to get them some help. Urinating in a shampoo bottle, breaking someone else's cell phone screen, no remorse - none of that is normal angry behavior.

I'm sorry.... My thoughts are with you. *** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***