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When to call it a day?

Mumofsix22's picture

Long story short I met my SO almost 3 years ago abroad. He was with friends as was I. I was almost a year out of an abusive marriage with 2 daughters. He was separated living alone with 3 children one being a few months old. I tread cautitiously but it cause all seemed challenging but ok. Fast forward a few months and we let the ex partners know we were dating but didn't intend on sharing with the children until necessary. The ex's didn't let that happen. His ex wife began to stalk and Harras me and treat me with horrific racism. "Does the n*hha know you have kids with me" "don't have anymore p"ki babies" etc we then hit the pandemic. And to avoid house hopping we jumped both feet into temporary accommodation together. He spent half a week with all children and my youngest lived with us. We moved into a 3 bed as soon as we could, I moved my daughters school (eldest with her dad by choice) and then same month became pregnant. I have been as civil as possible with his ex wife for the kids. I bend over backwards for the children. We have taken the 6 children abroad. They are included in every way possible. But his eldest has started to take it up a notch with her distespect towards me. I have the blame for her family being separated. I'm trying my best to persevere but now I have a 1 year old son my mental health is really struggling trying to consider all 6 children. We are back to court this week as she is claiming she is scared of him and we are abusive towards her. I never ever reacted to any of the racism even though my own children had to hear it. I feel so alone and when his teenager is disrespectful to me I let her know she doesn't have to come to our home it's a choice. My oh will say no she's coming and force us to be together. I'm very defeated. Depressed and borderline suicidal (again). When is enough enough? Just recently the ex wife has befriended my ex husband and they discuss us and make plans with each other with basically my blended family. Sorry k could write a book.

thabks for reading 

Survivingstephell's picture

Wow. After 12 years reading these forums , I finally get to type " your story is way to similar to my beginning ".  You have to to find yourself.  Take care of your own, he takes care of his.  Don't focus on blending right now.  Do not hesitate to call cops on her.  DH should be protecting you from her.  He is failing EPICALLY!   My oldest skid turned quickly too.  I'm sure BM is hyping the hate up so when they get there, they act like this.  

Time for new rules and whatever you come up with it puts your NEEDS first.  If you don't, it will drag you down into a of darkness.  

If I build go back in time, I would not lose myself in the happy blended Fantasy.  Firmer  Boundaries with BM.  

Mumofsix22's picture

Thank you for your reply. 
my son is 1 year old now. We've not long been abroad on holiday as an 8 (something we had to go to court for the bio mum to allow us to do) and when we got there their youngest son ended up in intensive care and I was left alone with 5 kids in resort baby to 14. They were terrible, just didn't help in any way at all and would not stay in one place or let me know where they were going etc. When we got home (thank god their little one survived) his eldest blocked me. She has done it lots of times like when our son was born when I was sitting in the hospital bed fresh out of surgery. Text me to say she can't stand me and blocked me and didn't meet her brother etc. Since holiday she comes but will not communicate I ate with me. If I try to explain something that's a rule in my home she will say "dad." And repeat herself deliberately leaving me out. My own daughter respects my partner so I rarely need to step in from my perspective. But when he needs to step in his attitude is just "well it's her mum who is horrible etc etc" I can only take so many years of blaming her mum when she is becoming her own person too. My daughters had a show this weekend that his eldest opted out of cause she didn't want to be around me. She the. Messaged me to say not to show up at her show the day after but her dad specifically is to go. In the end he didn't go (there was 2 tickets and her mum and nan took then anyway) but she has been messaging him saying how much of a bad dad he is. 

i guess I just don't know how much is normal and when it's time to give up. We are engaged to be married but it just creates more for the bio parents to talk about and this eldest saying she's not bothering coming the wedding and him saying he's making her cause it's his daughter. String push pull. 

i have took the higher ground and tried to be civil with bio mum for the kids sake but she's gone too far trying to plan days out with my children who she literally referred to as "paki babies". This isn't being the bigger person it's tolerating abuse. But I really don't want to bash my other half because he has the biggest heart for everyone and is hurting when his kids act out I just think it's coming at the cost of our own future Sad

Winterglow's picture

"well it's her mum who is horrible "

Remind him that she has two parents and not just a mother. It's time he started parenting rather than using cop out stuff like that.

I hope you are recording the racist crap that BM spouts - it constitutes hate speech under UK laws. Go down to your local police station and talk to someone about what can be done about it. Your children shouldn't have to deal with htis kind of toxicity.

Disengage entirely from the BM. Block all her access to you, email, phone, everything. You don't need to deal with her at all. 

I'd be putting the wedding on hold until your future DH gets his act together with his kids, starts parenting them, and stops leaving it all up to you. It doesn't matter how big a heart he has if he isn't being a proper parent to them. By allowing htem to run feral, he is not doing them any good - how will they ever be employable if they've never learned how to be kind and respectful? If any of them uses the racist language they hear from their mother, he can start seeing them elsewhere. You shouldn't have to be subjected to that from anyone, much less in your own home. 

Mumofsix22's picture

I have definately hit this point now Sad I have recorded all the racism which has been logged as a hate crime previously but she just doesn't put it on paper anymore. She basically justifys it by saying "she started seeing you before our divorce and I was in a very bad place". The children already repeat a lot more out of curiosity but it is still a thing now years on. I started to ask him to stay with his mum and his children there on his time and he complains he's being treated like our home isn't his. I just don't know another way around it tbh. 

i have tried to disenagage previously and he will complain that im leaving his children out when I do things for my own children. But on top of that so will his children. His eldest sat and complained she didn't have a birthday party at our house this year (she gave us the run around and ended up with police involved the week of) but my daughter has x, y, z. I can't even buy my son a coat without his kids saying "why did you get X this coat and Y hasn't got a coat" I try to politely say well his mum will buy him one etc and just get "that's nasty leaving him out". Last Christmas we spent £4000 of the children making sure they were "equal" and aside from that it was horribly stressful. Bare in mind we weren't even waking up together as a family. We were arguing Christmas Eve cause my daughter who lives with us had £40 more spent on her and his kids complained there was "not much from us". When I write it down k realise just how entitled and nasty it all is but I don't know how to provide for my own and disengage from his when he pushes so so hard to keep us together

ESMOD's picture

I suggest you go read the nacho parenting post.  You need to disengage from parenting his kids.  because "correction without connection" isn't recieved well.  you don't have that bond with his kids like you do your own.. he needs to parent his own.. and as long as you both have similar parenting values.. it should work out.

They are not your kids.. so you should stop trying to treat them as if they were.. they have parents.  it may help and at the very least.. you won't be killing yourself for kids that dont' care.

Mumofsix22's picture

I agree, but the only thing I struggle with with this is that I have my own children iof course that I look after. So when I care for them I am constantly compared. So I can't disengaged quietly so to speak... anything I do or plan with my own children, his children will pick up on and criticise me for favouring them. Partner will not engage in family things unless it involves his own children too. But with their being 6 kids you can imagine how that gets. We don't even have a car big enough 

SteppedOut's picture

So when he does or buys stuff for his kids... does he also do for yours?

I'm sorry, but if your SO is going to be so pig headed, you have 2 optipns. Accept the total bull crap, or leave. I recommend leaving.