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Venting

Ravenpoe88's picture

Submitted by Ravenpoe88 on Thu, 02/07/2019 - 9:33am

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Blended Family Issues

Hello just here to vent a bit. I used to be married to a military guy (12 years) , we got divorced bc of many issues. I got into the habit of being too controlling of the house the kids everything to reach my ex's expectations.  It was impossible and left me drained. My kids are well behaved for the most part bc of this. Ive recently been told im too strict by my bf my son's therapist and bfs dad. Bf has 2 girls. Completely undisciplined and whine cry over everything. His youngest is quite mean to her sister her dad and now my 2 children and i. Shes a spoiled princess and likes to push her limits and test boundaries just to piss everyone off. If i say anything to her about her behavior i get told to lay off and leave her alone. My kids are stressed out and im wondering if things will settle or if i should leave. I love him but all efforts seem to be going to waste esp with the kids. He and i get along well without the kids but kids are making it awful. 

SM12's picture

Submitted by SM12 on Thu, 02/07/2019 - 10:41am

why would you stay in a situation where your kids are stressed out and miserable?   One of the biggest marital issues in step life is not parenting the Same way. You SO has already told you that you have no say in disciplining hisnkids or can even have an opinion,...do you really want to live like that forever?

Java_Junkie's picture

Submitted by Java_Junkie on Thu, 02/07/2019 - 3:41pm

I was married to a lady who was an air force brat, and she was a CONTROL FREAK. Not that it had to all be done A CERTAIN way, but it had to be HER way, and the fact that she kept moving the goal posts made it utterly nauseating. As a Marine veteran myself, I'm GOOD with regimentation, but couldn't deal with the "no matter what, you're wrong" stuff she pulled. No kidding, I divorced her to give the kids a path to stability, but ex was able to manipulate them enough to turn on me. My daughter and son live with her, and I'm sorta pissed I didn't get hard-core with her in the divorce because they're now almost 24 and almost 21 and neither has a drivers' license. She has absolutely been like "mother" on the Pink Floyd album, The Wall.

That said, if you wonder if the folks around you might perceive you like this, you might consider getting to a counselor to explore that feeling and why you feel that way. It could be very good for you to know.

However, if you think you're pretty solid and have expectations that don't change mercurially, you might be doing the right things with the wrong people. Currently, DW thinks I'm the hardass, but I think she's not parenting. I see her perspective is based on something EXTREMELY lax (because she felt like her dad was a hardass, and she doesn't want her kids to feel that anxiety), mine is based on my dad being a hardass and I didn't like it at the time, but I "got it" later - and appreciate the Hell out of it now, so my style is that I have some boundaries (as should we all), some of which are not up for negotiation.

For instance... DW had been taking my toiletry items (without asking) and giving them to her son. I was PISSED. She said, "Oh... Well, I liked the way you smelled, so I wanted him to smell good too, because it reminded me of you." That was creepy AF. I told her to stop, and she pretty much has. Fast forward, SD had a box of bathbombs, and her SMom at the other house decided to help herself to them, so SD brought them to our house. DW went on and on about how wrong SD's SMom was to do that and I joined in, then finally said, "Yeah, it's a violation of your trust when someone takes your personal things without asking." DW pretty much changed the subject at that point - I think DW finally was able to feel a little more about it when her kid was the one who suffered.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Fri, 02/08/2019 - 2:43am

Welcome to the site!  You seem to have insight into your own behaviour and are willing to admit that you might be a bit controlling at times.   However it seems that your bf is at the other end of the spectrum and doesn't set any boundaries for his daughter which is causing stress to both you and your kids.  If your SD is living in your house part of the time, you either need to be able to discipline her or be confident that your bf will do it.  The current situation is untenable in the long term, I think.  You and your kids will just be more and more unhappy.