Stepdaughter -- the beginnings of a problem?
In general, my stepkids are very good. My 7yo stepson is a fun, bright, normal little boy. About six months ago, I would've proffered the same description for my stepdaughter, who is now turning 5. The problem is that lately my stepdaughter is acting out, and I don't have children of my own so I don't know if this is just normal 5 year old girl behavior or if something bigger is happening.
Some examples: stepdaughter's emotions flip on and off like a lightswitch. One minute, she is kissing and hugging me and telling me she loves me, and two seconds later she refuses to speak to me and gives me angry, nasty glares. EVERY (literally) time my dh and I hug, she rushes over and inserts herself in between us (usually in a way that bumps me out of the way). She jumps into our bed in the morning, climbs up on her dad and hugs him, giving me weird, glaring looks. She goes through periods where she won't speak to me at all. She won't respond to my discipline at all (somewhat my fault -- see below). For example, when asked by her dad this weekend why she didn't stop hitting her brother when I demanded it, she replied in a haughty tone that I didn't say please. I wanted to strangle her.
I've been in their lives for three years now, and at the beginning I opted to not discipline the kids so that I could gently enter their lives. Lately, I've upped the discipline and I'm wondering if some of the acting out relates to that. I'm really just looking for advice and reassurance from others out there...
if you don't mind me asking
if you don't mind me asking do your skids live with you full time?
Is there a bm around?
From my own experience when I married my husb my ss was about to turn 11 and since he was older I was in the position were I was told he would not see me as a parent to him and leave the discipline to his dad. I have bs also and he lives with us fulltime. (have ss on weekends and vacation only)
The problem became my ss was not disciplined by his father and I did have to speak up when he wasn't obeying the house rules
the same rules my bs has.
I would think since your sd is so young and you have been in her life for 3yrs you and your dh would dicipline her together.
could she could be jealous, or just being 5. I would speak to your husb. about what your role in discipling her will be and then have him back you up. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice without knowing more
Might be the Beginning of a Problem
I don't know, but this might be the beginning of a problem. Why should you ask her to "Please stop hitting your brother?" You should just say, "STOP hitting your brother". That sounded like an excuse from her to get you off of her back and to leave her alone and to get her Dad to back her on this. I hope this tactic she attempted didn't work on her father for your sake. I have 3 stepdaughters. They are all shits. They were so cute when they were little and sometimes I would feel sorry for them because of the way their BM always treated them. Now, that everyone is older including me, I actually sometimes feel a little sorry for the SD's BM because even though the BM taught the SD's this behavior, the crazy BM was getting treated like I am. Those SD's use every trick in the book to work their father against me. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't, but I truly believe these same tactics were being used by the SD's when the girls lived with their BM to get their way around the house. A "Go whine to Daddy" ordeal or the other one that they are "Daddy's little girls". What a bunch of crap. Anyhow, I think she has just tried to see if she can manipulate the situation to serve her so she can get her way and that you won't have any say over what she does. Just a suspicion, thats all.
Thanks ladies, and yes -- I
Thanks ladies, and yes -- I agree that perhaps this is the beginning of her education in manipulation. Thankfully, dh didn't fall for it (he yelled "SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO ASK YOU TO SAY PLEASE TO GET YOU TO STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER!!!) but then SD cries and he feels guilty. Ugh, it is a bit of a mess.
They live with us exactly 50% of the time, so we have as much of a role in their lives as their mother does. And, in the very beginning I deferred entirely to dh on discipline, but now we are trying to incorporate more discipline from me...and I think that is why some of this is happening. Also, I am pretty sure that some of it is jealousy -- she really, really doesn't like it when I am cuddling with her dad.
BM (always makes me laugh to type BM because that's how my very proper mother referred to poop, and it is soooo appropriate in our case!) is around, but she is incredibly lax -- she does absolutely nothing to discipline the kids, and so they come to our house and even our minimal discipline probably feels like a LOT to them.
It's good he backed you up!
Otherwise, she'd have seen that she'd managed to get between you not just physically that time. In combination with her physically wedging herself between you, I'd say that was her attempt, even if she's too young to realize it yet. It's probably not intentional... YET. But she may feel threatened by your presence somehow. I think a lot of small kids really think their parents have a finite amount of love to give, and if they give any to smom, there's less left for the kids. Be sure you are both reassuring her on that front, and THEN, set out the rules and DO NOT SWAY, not even an inch. Any disrespect (eye-rolling, scoffing, glaring looks, talking back, etc.) is an absolute NO NO, and MUST be punished. Removal is usually best. Watch an episode of supernanny together. She needs a "naughty spot" or "naughty chair" or the like. That mess WORKS. You just have to stick to it, no matter what, and they learn to respect you. BOTH of you.
"Be careful who you have babies with..." --BitchBitchBarbie, 2009
Sometimes can be a part of the growth process
My BD is 5 and for a while there I thought she was turning into the devil. And she doesn't have the extra issues that come with dealing with stepparents. She was fighting with everyone all the time and if she starts whining and I comfort her in anyway she'll give my DH a nasty glare like "See Daddy, I got Mommy to give me what I want?"
My pediatrician says that sometimes they get crazy around the start of kindergarten. Is your SD starting school this year?