Please help me.
Sometimes I think these boards keep me sane. It really helps to know that other people are going through what I am going through.
Here's the latest: DH's grandfather died. I never meet the grandfather because he was (very) old and sick by the time DH split with his wife, so the family just decided to not share the bad news with him. DH's ex-wife was close to the grandfather.
DH invited ex-wife to grandfather's funeral. Two stepkids didn't attend (too young). DH "invited" me, but suggested that I skip. The main reason that I wasn't truly invited is that ex-wife is mean and hostile to me (she believes that I broke up their marriage -- not true). DH loved his grandfather and didn't want to deal with the tension with her at his grandfather's funeral. I get that. DH feels strongly that his ex has a right to be there and even offered to transport her (we live in Manhattan and the funeral is way out in NJ). He didn't ask me if it was ok to give her a ride before making the offer. His mother wound up driving her because he needed to be there early.
I am so depressed and feel so left out. DH's parents are staying with us for the funeral events, and I am cooking and cleaning nonstop, but I am not really part of this family. I feel like I am always in this position. DH says he understands and feels sorry, but it keeps coming back.
It sounds like he has his
It sounds like he has his heart in your marriage but his head is still in the old marriage. He obviously can't continue this way. His head and heart need to be with you. I would take a break and step back for a minute honey...maybe stepping back from him emotionally will help him see he needs to give a little more?
"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*
Thank you. That is how it
Thank you. That is how it feels to me, too. The thing is, he left her and I know for certain that he isn't struggling with that decision, but I think he is driven by guilt and feels that he owes her. So, I'm not having jealous feelings or worrying about him leaving. It's more that I want him to step up and put me in the primary position.
I think your advice is right. I just don't know quite how to execute it. What, specifically, should I do? Spend more time with friends? It's tough right now because his family is staying with us, so if I disappear they will think I am a bad person.
You're in the proverbial
You're in the proverbial 'rock n hard place' situation hon'...it's a sucky place to be. I know what you mean about not being jealous but still being upset about not getting put first, yet somehow outsiders tend to still view that as jealousy and it's so infuriating!
I think talking openly with DH helps a lot, write down what you're feeling and try to organize it in short,precise thoughts to spoon feed DH. Then if you don't get what you need, start spending time with friends, make your own schedule of activities, stop being so readily available to him. Obviously, this funeral weekend will have to be the exception bc you the last thing you need is to give the inlaws a bad taste in their mouth about you. no one likes to care about what inlaws think about them but the truth is,mostly all of us care what their opinion is. You don't need the added stress of worrying about displeasing them. So I recommend starting your experiment and open conversations after this has all blown over. Patience is key when dealing with a thickheaded man
"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*
If he feels sorry than he
If he feels sorry than he should stop. He knows it isn't right. So what if she was close to him. If she is immature enough to possibly start a fight at this funeral because HIS WIFE is there then she doesn't need to go.
Thank you. SO good to hear
Thank you. SO good to hear from other people who have lived through this, I can't even tell you.
SmileForMe, I am going to suck it up and continue being the kind and helpful step-daughter until the relatives go. Then, the talks will begin. It is so tough for me because I am so angry inside.
Giana, yes. I don't think she'd actually start a fight (she is too "dignified" in her own mind) but I think she would be rude and cold and spend the funeral giving me the evil eye.
I know you're angry honey
I know you're angry honey and you have every right in the world to be angry...just remember to tap that anger down a notch so DH can be receptive to what you're trying to get through to him. People who don't fix things but recognize they're wrong are the people who hear what you're saying to them but understand WHY you're saying it. I've found if people understand WHY you're feeling something, they're more likely to keep their word and fix the problem.
Good luck!!
"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*
you are awesome, SFM. You
you are awesome, SFM. You calmed me down! : )
I'm glad to help mich...I
I'm glad to help mich...I really hope you're ok. keep us updated on everything even if you're ready to just go off on a blind cursing bender...we'll listen:)
"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*
You are your husband's wife.
You are your husband's wife. His grandfather died.
How is it that the world has become so insane, that a wife cannot attend a funeral with her husband to support him?!
Sometimes I think a stepmother's skin has to become so thick in order to deal with this type of BullS**t. Mich doesn't go to the funeral because it would "upset" the in-laws. And your DH does not want the tension, so the ex-wife goes?! I cannot wrap my mind around it.
Why do we sacrifice, what we know in our hearts, this is our rightful place. Ask DH this: "If my grandfather died, and I didn't want the "tension" with my ex-husband, so he'll go with me and not you"...how would he react to that?
I'm sad for you Mich. Its posts like these that make me sad for all of us and our new and ever thickening skin.
Its my SD9 who can freely show me affection when no one is watching, but has to be prompted to say a simple goodbye to me when my in-laws are there. Its gifts that I give her that suddenly come from "Dad" in the re-telling. Its me attending up the her birthday party organized for her friends, and her BM skipping out for margaritas for an hour during the party, but SD9 is none the wiser. Its knowing that I can't have children of my own and watching my husband get hugs and "I-love-yous" and homemade cards and drawings and....well, all of it....and my skin is thickening and thickening. (Sorry I highjacked your post Mich).
Lets all not let our skins become so thick that we don't even recognize ourselves when we look in the mirror.
Hey, TheBrightSide. You
Hey, TheBrightSide. You sound just like me. I'm sad for me, too. I've been really down all day. I can't wrap my mind around it, either.
My DH texted me from the lunch (after the funeral) and it was along the lines of, "I love you, I'm so sorry for this, I will fix this." The thing is, what is there to fix? The damage is done, and these occasions are the times when he should step up and show his family and the world what I mean to him. Instead, I sit here at work, tearing up when I think about it.
I think this whole incident really caused a big rift, and I'm scared because under the anger is this feeling of wanting to totally detach.
One of the worst parts of
One of the worst parts of today, too, was sitting there with my inlaws at a breakfast that I'd just prepared while they were getting ready to go, and listening to them discuss how to make sure DH's ex-wife can get to the funeral. And, having DH's dad push that she should be at the cemetary, too.
The thing is, his parents love me -- really. They tell me every day, and I can feel it. I know they wouldn't intentionally hurt me. So, it amazes me that they'd be so insensitive, sitting in my house and talking about how important it is for them that his ex is there.
I don't know. I'm scared for my relationship. I waiver between calm and outrage.
Wow, thats deep. Listening
Wow, thats deep. Listening to them sit there and talk about accomodating her at YOUR table. Bless your heart!!
Life is what you make it.
Your husband knows it's
Your husband knows it's wrong but does it anyway? Nice. Then he expects you to cook and clean. I'd be on strike and out with my girls. I wouldn't care if his family thought that was mean of me. They don't take your feelings into consideration when they talk about accomodating BM, now do they?
I know, and that is a great
I know, and that is a great example of how deep these issues run -- so deep that they can't even see the absurdity of discussing helping this woman at my dining room table!!! Please.
I would have went. I have a
I would have went. I have a feeling BM will try to go to my husband's grandparents funeral when they pass as well (they all live in the same town and we live out of state). No way would I not go just cause I can't stand her. This was really wrong of him, I don't blame you for being hurt. How long have you guys been married?
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
So, the update is that we
So, the update is that we (of course) had a big fight last night, and it ended with a long slew of promises about making sure that this dynamic changes. He asked me how he should've handled it better (and he was sincere) so I said that from now on, if someone needs to make accommodations it needs to be his ex. He's just so accustomed to putting all of the burden on us (guilt, guilt, guilt) and I think, long term, it is going to cause too much resentment in our marriage.
He agreed. Time will tell.
That would be the damn day.
That would be the damn day. WHy could she not trasport her own ass? HA. If my DH said that to me..I'd tell him while he's at it he and ex can find a hotel together because that's going to be his new living quaters. Nah..thats BS. Sorry folks..my opinion only.
Purpleflower
Mich, I hope this is a
Mich, I hope this is a turning point for you guys. All well and good that BM wanted to go and went, but to leave you out to spare HER feelings? That's where it went off the rails. Everyone is coddling that woman like she is the wronged party. I bet she ran the show when DH was married to her. Another narcissist abuser, no doubt. And your DH is a people pleaser.
These things crop up and they are so upsetting. I know, I just went through something similar--my in-laws decided to give DH a ticket home for his grandchild's b-day--just him--and got his kids all excited about seeing him so he felt forced to go. Talk about emotional blackmail. I felt what you did--left out, incredibly angry and upset. Not that I missed anything so great, but it is the principle of the thing. DH and I discussed it--it won't happen again. Believe me.
Thanks. Yes. I feel like I
Thanks. Yes. I feel like I can't get over it. It doesn't help that the inlaws are still here, staying with us. I am just completely overwhelmed.