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terrible, depressing weekend following miscarriage

Mich811's picture

My DH and I have been trying to get pregnant for a long time, and eventually went to a reproductive endocrinologist for help. DH has two kids, SD5 and SS7, but after his daughter he developed some issue that affected our ability to conceive. The doctors appointments, tests and continued failures each month have been really difficult on both of us.

Two months ago we were shocked to learn that we got pregnant naturally on an "off" month from fertility treatments. We couldn't believe it, and we were so overjoyed. We heard a heartbeat on Tuesday, and we really believed that we were almost in the clear.

Then, at a routine OB appointment, we learned two days ago that the heart stopped. We raced to a specialist, they confirmed that the pregnancy was not viable.

This weekend we have the stepkids (we have them every other friday, sat and sun, and every tues and thurs). SD5 has a cold and has been in a horrible, clingy mood, constantly crying for her mother and holding on to my dh. She doesn't want to stay with me, she just wants to be with DH, who spends all of the weekend hugging, cuddling and kissing. Last night she woke up crying for her mother and DH slept in her bed with her for most of the night.

Meanwhile, I am waiting to have a miscarriage. I want to spend this weekend crying and being consoled by my DH. Instead, all of that is going to his daughter. He wouldn't agree with this -- he points out things like "but I put my arm around you at dinner, remember?"

I am so sad, lonely and depressed. I feel so angry that we have the kids this weekend, and I resent them and my DH. I really never get what I need, it is a constant pattern. How much can I endure???

StepChicka's picture

There is a place in my heart for you hon. I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. DH would do his daughter and you a great service if he were to arrange with her mother to have her for the rest of the weekend. She misses her mother and you're going through something heartwrenching. Just ask him to this for you and his daughter.

Mich811's picture

Thank you.

I wish he could/would. If I ask him, he might do it, but then he will be resentful and weird and I'd still get no support from him. He half-suggested it yesterday, but then immediately back-pedaled. He has massive guilt issues and is always a little sad when the kids aren't around. Also (in his defense) his ex-wife is a major problem and she'd take this and use it to hurt him in the future (she'd constantly bring it up as a negotiating point when she wants something...which is all the time).

My real wish is that he'd just think of it himself and do it without asking me.

He just left to pick up SS from a playdate and SD is sitting here, watching TV and sobbing for her mother. Not a good weekend.

StepChicka's picture

My DH is a bit of a guilt parent too so I understand your predicament. Maybe your DH can make up the time during the week if BM. She can't hold this against him too much. This is life afterall.

If nothing can be arranged then its one more day. Maybe do a game tonight with the kids--something distracting to you and your weepy SD. Soon you can have some much needed support and private grieving.

Most Evil's picture

I am so sorry you are going through this honey. If I were you I would leave DH and SD early this evening and go hang in your bedroom with a glass of wine and a chick flick or a good book or journal. You do deserve some special time for you, and I am sure as soon as SD leaves DH will remember this. HUGS Smile
"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

Orange County Ca's picture

I am very sorry to hear this is happening to you. Few people, including obviously your husband, know the trama of losing a child in this way. This is expecially hard since you've been trying so hard.

You might want to look up on the web articles that explain how difficult this time is and print it out for him to read.

Have you considered having a funeral service or rite for the baby? It would give you some closure on the event.

imagr8tma's picture

I agree this is a hard and touching time you are dealing with. He should be mourning this loss with you. I also feel he should have switched weekends and helped you through this as well.

I guess it is not as easy for the man to feel the great loss early on because they are not actually going through the physical loss.

I am sorry for your loss, and though i know nothing i say will make it better. Please just know you are on our minds and we are thinking of you.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

Sita Tara's picture

I just read this and am hoping you are now getting some quality TCL from your H. I am recovering from a different kind of health/life crisis, where I wasn't sure if I may lose the ability to be intimate with my H for a very long time. My SD is borderline and though she no longer is clingy etc like your SD, she is a drama/attention seeker. These last few months of reeling between "Am I gonna die?" And "Will I still be able to be intimate with my H ever again?" etc, were the worst months ever dealing with this blended mess. Because my DH removed SD from being around me alot by taking her other places with him. So my choice was to go thru these emotions without his support or SD doing everything in her power to attack me personally, and still not much support, b/c he was in a horrible angry mood all the time (she's pretty successful at that.)

It's so very hard to feel on your own, especially in your situation where the loss should be felt equally. My guess is like many friends here told me,

He is so caught in the middle of knowing you need him, but having to parent her, of trying to keep her off your back and away from bothering you, and wanting to reassure you he loves and is concerned for you.

He is juggling and not doing the best job.

Hopefully today he is able to bring the focus around now that SD isn't there to distract him.


And come here anytime you need us.

"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen

ChaiLatte's picture

I am so sorry you are going through this without the emotional support from your H that is rightfully yours. I have been trying to conceive for a number of years and understand the awful roller coaster. His being a guilty parent is going to prevent him from being able to see that its okay to be there for his wife right now, even if it means his daughter staying with her mother instead of the two of you. It take a tough person to be able to endure constantly coming second when you are not dealing with traumatic life events, like a miscarriage. His insensitivity is outrageous, but we really can't expect much more from a guilty parent. I'm so sorry. Of course you are angry. My heart goes out to you. Please PM me if you ever want to chat.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

TheBrightSide's picture

Having been through two miscarriages myself this year, I can tell you that I truly understand what you are going through. The loss is unbearable. Seeing that first little heart beating was the best day of my life. The worst was when it wasn't there anymore.

My DH did not feel or understand the depth of my loss. He watched it, but he didn't feel it. I'm still recovering, and I suspect I will for a long, long time.

Don't expect too much comfort from DH, or you'll be disappointed. Trust me.

Mich811's picture

Thank you all. It has been a rough week, but things are better now. I've never felt as lonely in my life as I have as a step-parent. It helps to have this board.

TheBrightSide's picture

Mich, you ALWAYS have StepTalk.

Its going to take some time to emotionally heal from this. If you ever need to talk to someone who understands, feel free to PM me...anytime.