Step Dad in Turmoil !!! HELP !!!!!!!
I need some solid advice from anyone who has gone through this. I am a 37 year old man who has recently become remarried. I had been divorced for seven years. I have three boys 18, 15 and 13 from my previous marriage that live with their bio mom. The problem is my step children a boy 8 and girl 10. They absolutely, positively refuse to follow any of my rules. Unfortunately my wife does not back me up. When I met her things with her kids were way out of hand. Her 10 year old daughter fancies herself a little adult and expects to be treated as such. She questions and argues everything she is told to do. We recently purchased a home toghether and I received a lot of lip service from my wife about how we were going to make and enforce rules. She has yet to make good on this. Her children will not clean their bedrooms, they will not sleep in their own separate rooms. One of their rooms is either to cold or to hot. There is always an excuse. I bust my but at work all day then come home and have to tell them 5 to 6 times to tidy up their rooms. They go to their rooms and return within 30 seconds announcing that they cleaned. A MIRACLE IN SUCH A SHORT TIME. Their Mom says thanks and wont even check their rooms to verify if they did in fact clean them, which they never do. That then leaves me to be the bad guy and enforce the rule. I have asked her on a daily basis after they get home from school, relax a half hour and then complete their homework to have them tidy up their bedrooms. She never has them do this and I have to remind her. Her daughter has been told BY ME over and over again she is not to eat in her room she says okay and then disobeys the minute I am not there to enforce that rule. Her Mom always has the same excuses, I didnt see her do that, Kids are kids, Oooops she forgot, I will ground her next time etc, etc. I am constantly cleaning or fixing something because of one of the two of them. Her daughter can not leave her Moms side for 2 seconds. She puts her two cents into every adult conversation my wife and I have. They refuse to knock on doors or say excuse me when they bump into an adult. Her son has broke the screen door 4 times in 6 months by aggressively pushing his way out the door. I am the one who has spent an hour a pop fixing it. They run through the house leaving dirty hand prints on the walls that I get stuck scrubbing. Sometimes it seems their behavoir is the worse when their Mom is around because they know they will get away with it. I have pleaded, cryed, screamed and begged for her to step up, be an adult and back me up. She never does or rarely and when she does it is to pacify me not to teach the kids rules.The end result is always an arguement 2 to 3 time a week and comments from her like you hate my kids and if you showered them with affection they would listen. Lately the two of them are getting wise to this and are playing her against me. They have 100 percent control over her and run the household with the exception of paying the bills. It seems they are relentlessly trying to gain the control they have over their Mom over me as well. The rare and very rare that is occassions she grounds one of her kids they sweet talk her within in a half hour into dropping the grounding by promising to never ever do that again. It is the most superficial kiss but routine I have ever witnessed and their Mom always falls for it hook, line and sinker. The next day they go right back to the same old crap. We are expecting a bio child of our own in January 2008 and I can only see the issues then becoming worse. She tells me they are getting better they follow rules, then everything I see indicates otherwise. If anything my rules have only taught them to be more sneaky and deceitful because they only PRETEND to follow them when I am around. we cant even have a night out alone because the last 3 baby sitters have quit due to their behavior. Please any advice is welcome. I have considered leaving but we have a child coming and I really truly due love my wife. She is a good hearted person except when it comes to her kids then it is like talking to a rock.
No real advice
Hi, I read your comment and profile. You certainly have your hands full. Here are some of my thoughts and experiences.
First, the ss kids are probably having a difficult time with their mom getting married and a new baby on the way. It is very confusing for children and they act out having no other tools to express their feelings. As hard as it may be, I would try to make them feel special and loved no matter what changes are happening in their lives. Remember their life is completely in the hands of other people. Fighting against your rules may feel like the only way they have any control.
Second: Pick your battles. Maybe giving them control over the condition of their room is a fair trade off. My husband convinced me to let his kids keep their rooms any way they wanted. Surprisingly, over time, they keep their room pretty tidy. It's their choice.
Third: They are old enough to reason and problem solve to a degree. Sitting down as a family and discussing the changes in your home, ie the new baby, new Step father, etc. might open things up. Then you can discuss the way you would all like to see the house run. They can suggest their chores and consequences for not following through. This way you don't have to be the bad guy. They have decided for themselves.
So I hope that helps. Remember kindness goes a lot further than rules.
Thank you Kathleen.
Thank you for your advice Kathleen it is truly appreciated. As far as your ending comment kindness goes further this is true in most scenarios, but unfortunately not in ours. My kindness is always mistaken for weakness. The nicer I am the less compliance I receive. I have tried all of the things you have suggested, sitting down and disscussing things, laying out rules and expectations all an exercise in futility. We have been co habitating with each other know for close to a year. I gradually eased my self into their lives as to not cause a change of pace or routine which we all know can be uncomfortable for kids. Instead of moving forward we seem to be regressing backwards. Anyway God bless and thank you Kathleen.
Dear JF70
In the end, we all know the answer. Listen to yourself. This is a great place to blow off steam, get people to rally around you and feel vindicated for a spell. But, none of us know your situation really. You do. Listen to your heart and be open. Your answers will come.
In peace,
Kathleen
I can understand your frustration!
I agree with some of what Kathleen is saying. It is important to remember to disapprove of the behavior, not the child themselves. 8 and 10 is a very trying age! Trust me, I remember my SS at those ages.
However, they are getting closer to their teens, and if mom does not step up now and consistantly discipline her own children-there will be MAJOR problems in the future. She should be the main disciplinarian-not you. Make her aware of that. Too many women fall into the routine of being permissive, wanting to avoid conflict-the easier, softer way. Usually out of guilt, laziness or poor coping skills... But that only makes it harder to instill boundries, self discipline and structure as time progresses.
Try not using so many negative phrases like no, don't, not etc. Replace those phrases with something more positive. Ex: Don't touch that!/I want you to stop touching that.
In our home, we have an after school schedule that works fairly well...After my son comes home, he plays for awhile, then it's homework time, dinner, game with daddy, tidy up room-then 8:00 lights out!
If she is not willing to step up and parent her children, it's not your job to pick up the slack, maybe she needs nudge in the right direction. Life will become more hellish once they are undisciplined teens, remind her of that. And with a new baby on the way, it is imperative that she starts correcting their behavior NOW!!! Go to the library with her, find some books and read and discuss them with her. Let her know that you are there to help support her. It won't be easy at first, and she may feel discouraged because she will upset her kids. That's life, we are not here to only be friends to our children, but to teach, guide and help them become responsible, respectful adults. Hope this helps!
"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha
Oh lord, Deja Vu for me...
Well, I was dating a lady for 4 years and we lived together 31 months. (Yes, she counted them) She has twin 10 year old boys and by everything I know, they exhibited all the signs of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. They would have 2-3 hour screaming temper tantrums several times a week. One of them had problems putting on his socks of a morning and it would frequently turn into 40 minute crying/sobbing events. Several times the kids had to be carried to the car to be taken to school. One of them still sucks his thumb and carries around a blanket everywhere he goes.
Her ex husband is on disability so pays no child support -- she receives SSA for the kids. Over those 31 months though the ex husband would not see them for long periods of time -- he went deer hunting; he went camping, etc. I paid more of the household expenses than the SSA recieved and helped take care of the kids while she was going through school to become a Nurse Practitioner.
The temper tantrums effected our lives dramatically, and I begged and pleaded with her that she had to change discipline styles. Time outs weren't working. They would throw a three hour temper tantrum, once they finally got to their room, they would play with all of their toys in the room. Their room was a mess. Their temper tantrums would involve breaking things; screaming; running away, etc.
It started to effect my daughter who is now 12. She got to the point she wasn't happy there and didn't want to come. Last year, the ex gf even threw a half full 2 liter bottle of Pepsi at one of the boys when they were having a fit. She went to get on medicine. It wasn't the boys fault for throwing a temper tantrum.
Then in May, they throw another temper tantrum and I tell her she is letting them get out of control. I end up getting thrown out on the street with my daughter. My ex wife is not happy. We try and date for a while, but it ends.
My advice to you:
You can't control your step children. Your wife is their parent. The two of you can set up guidelines and rules for your house, but both of you have to agree on them and enforce them.
Read as many child rearing advice books as you can -- a lot of them are helpful and can help you see thigns in perspective.
Counseling for you and your wife is not a bad idea. The two of you need time for yourselves and communication is very, very important.
Children will play one parent against the other, that is normal childhood behavior. The way to deal with it is consistent rules and for both parents to be in agreement.
Respect has to be a part of your relationship -- with your wife and between the kids and you. Boundaries need to be established and respectful behavior has to be one of the basic principles of the house. You can't feel left out; and she can't feel you are "ganging up" on the kids; the kids need to feel you care about them.
Kathleen suggested that you "pick your battles" -- very good advice. You can't change everything and some things will simply change with time. Some things you can live with; other things you can't. Figure out what those are and discuss that with your wife. Figure out where she is at too.
Relationships are hard -- mine didn't make it and the farther along I am away from it I am damned glad I am out of it.
Make sure you spend time on YOU. Don't allow your home life to consume you. Spend time with friends and family -- not to the exclusion of your wife and her kids, but keep your identity and self worth. You are not "Mr. Fixit" or "Mr. Paycheck" -- you are an individual with self worth. Keep up with your hobbies and friends. That way the troubles at home are kept in perspective.
Remember kids are kids. They should play and have fun. Reasoning with them might or might not work all the time -- heck, it might not work any of the time. You and your wife are the adults.
There is some anger in your note -- not an unreasonable place to be. Yet, anger will destroy your relationship if you let it. New relationships are especially hard and being a step parent is a task most sane people should run from. There are only some things you can control -- others are out of your control.
You can walk away, or you can stay. Either way its your decision. No one can make it for you; every other persons situation is different. YOU have to be happy. YOUR WIFE has to be happy and your kids and step kids deserve to be happy.
Good luck and God bless. If you want to e-mail me privately, feel free to do so.
Kevin
That hit HOME ..............
Thank you Klinder180 that reply really hit home. You definately offered me some sound advice. I am most sorry to hear you ended up homeless because of your situation. I do know where your coming from, my 15 year out right refuses to watch or babysit his step bro or sis. In fact my sd brought him at one point to tears over the summer with her arguing and refusing to listen to him. Out of pure desperation after the babysitter quit due to my sd behavior issues we had my 15 year old son watch them. He to did not want the job. I told my wife they are 100 percent positive they do not have to listen to you and are working on it with me, How the hell are they going to obey my 15 year old son ? They didnt it was chaos.When the initial babysitter quit (a mature 50 year old lady) my wife ranted and raved what a bitc.... and she blames my kids for stuff they didnt do. The babysitter called me and told me they were doing the same crap they pull at home. She told me she did not call their Mom because she knew she would do nothing. The former babysitter complained to me they were not listening, getting into her personal stuff drawers, purses, making messes and lieng etc. When I tried to talk to my wife about it she got very defensive and said my kidsdi not do that. I replied how do you know when you havent even talked to the sitter ? My wifes reply was well I asked my kids and they said she is lying. This was then the word of God. That is one of the major problems here. Her kids deny stuff and she auotomatically assumes they are telling the truth. I told her I believe the baby sitter and because she is telling me your kids do the same crap at her home that I see them doing in our home everyday. To make a long story short the sitter said I dont need this crap and quit. My wife to this day insists she does not owe her any sort of apology whatsoever. It is the same reason I prefer not to watch her children when she is not around. They will and have discreetly told her Im mean or yelled or whatever and Mom believes it. My wife wants to shove them down my throath and it is suffocating me. Nearly from day one she started coaching them to call me Daddy. It makes me very uncomfortable because I have yet to build that type of bond with them. What is really ironic is she wants this Dad for them from me but does not expect them to listen to me. I have already had issues from myown son notwant to come over because he said I am harder on him than them. To a certain capacity this is true. However if I yell at my own kids which I rarely have to because they were raised to follow rules it does not turn into a battle, like it does with the step children. I have asked her before how can you want your kids to call me Dad but you feel they do not have to listen to me or respect me ? Every time I try to talk to her about our blended family issues she tells me you are right I will start backing you up then the next day it is back to the same crap. The end result by the fifth time I am readdressing the same behavior issue out of pure exasperattion I start yelling.I know it is wrong and shame on me but I am at the point where I have a hard time feeling anything but animosity and resentment towards her children. Lately I actually try to avoid them and am happy when they are away at a friends home dreading their return. My wife keeps telling me you need to show them love and more affection but her never backing me up is only pushing me further from them. This evening was a perfect example after eating fried chicken for dinner her son booked in the house. My wife did exactly what I already knew she would do NOTHING ! His hands were covered in grease and I had to be the one to say wash them. Not a big deal ? Choose your battles ? An hour of my time is valuable and I would prefer not to waste one scrubbing greasy handprints off our walls. It seems like we never have a minute alone my wife and I. Her daughter craves attention like no one I have ever seen before. She will not leave her Moms side for one minute and wants to be part of every adult decision and conversation. When adult guests visit the other kid go play and busy themselves. Not her I have to tell her an average of 6 to 8 times to go play and a minute later she is back, doing whatever she can for attention, talking, misbehaving, asking personal questions, dancing etc. Mom finds this all cute but me annoying as hell. Her own family members have told my wife over and over she needs and receives to much attention and you need to curb it. My concern is with our baby on the way she will not be able to deal with all the attention the infant will get over her. I cant try any harder, they have not seen their bio Deadbeat Dad since they were toddlers. He lives overseas and pays zero child support this adds to the headaches and the financial burden is mainly on me. Well got to run. Thank you, Good luck and God bless Klinder. You are a gentleman and a scholar.
well....
I would think the only thing you can do is to keep doing as you are, or, what I did, I picked up the room with garbage bags. Told them it was going out. When they were sleeping, I put the bags in my trunk. My s.2.b. was pissed, but you no whaT? He didn't put his foot down so I did. No food, no tv, no toys untill you pick up your mess. Shoes off at the door or you can't play outside the rest of the day. It takes time, but it works! And the wife WILL HAVE TO get over it.Jenniferlynn
As the song says...
"Life is just a one night stand if you believe in forever."
I stayed in nice hotels for 3-4 nights until I found a wonderful luxury apartment. My daughter loves her new room and I am happy. My practice is growing much better without the nightly stress of whether I will get screamed at. I have more money -- go figure. I now am only buying things for my daughter and not two extra kids.
I have dated some and recently met a very nice lady who is intelligent; sensitive; romantic and yes, the physical chemistry is very much there. Kind of freaks me out that she has twin boys (the same as my ex gf) just about six months older than the twins my ex gf has.
Life works out the way its supposed to -- maybe not the way we expect or want it to work out. I keep picturing God sitting up in heaven laughing at all of us down here. We should laugh too, crying and complaining doesn't help any.
Kevin
i am going through
a similar situation. sd 13 does not like my rules and bm is fighting for 100% placement because bm feels that i should not be making rules in my own home! funny thing is the mediator for custody agrees with her on that - bulls@#!%t, my house my rules. now that it is going through the courts, sd is like an angel, she does everything i ask of her (although i did lighten up on everything but the homework). the difference for me is my hubby backs me (which pisses off sd) but i would prefer he took care of things before i have to, then it would seem as if i am making the rules.
sounds like your wife needs an adjustment, don't know how to help you there.
good luck, if you decide to run take me with!
Was the Mediator sober ?!
I would of asked the Mediator what they are smoking ? LOL. Since when did society decide to start treating children as little adults free to make their own decisions and have input period on rules ? I agree with your house your rules. When in Rome as they say do as the Romans. I am glad your spouse backs you up that is the key to compliance in the household. I would prefer my wife disipline her kids period, then I could just step in if need be but this is not the case. The running part sounds good. LOL. Do they have a safe haven or deserted island for us evil step parents ? LOL