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JF70's picture

I have not posted here in nearly a year and a half because I have been so busy with work and my now 14 month old daughter. To give some background I have been re married now 3 years, my two teen bio sons and two step children s.d 10 and s.s. 9 and our 14 month old daughter all live together. When I first met my wife within a month I picked up on the fact her daughter was a out of control spoiled brat. This kid with the exception of having her check book ran the household and my wife allowed it. When I moved into the picture I thought I could change all this but am very much wrong.

This kid has more issues than I could type but the main ones are she is in dire need of 24/7 constant attention. If her Mom leaves the room to even use the bathroom she is at her heels, If we have adult company over she is there putting her two cents in every conversation, This child will go above, beyond and out of the way to have attention focused on her every second. We even actually talked to a therapist and he evaluated her. He said this child is the type that you could give her attention 23 and a half hours a day and it is not enough. My wife also has this weird relationship with her where she treats her like an adult. She emotionally manipulates my wife and wins every time. If there is even a slight sign of confrontation with her and my wife, my wife backs off and gives her way.

Our bio daughter is now 14 months old. I begged my wife throughout her entire pregnancy to address these issues before the baby came and of course she didn't. My wife judgement is impaired and comparable to that of a blind drunk when it comes to the issues with her daughter. When the baby came although she is ten she complained that it is unfair the baby can breast feed and not her and she wants to do it to. I fought with my wife for months that her petite 10 year old daughter was not to carry the baby down the steps because she might drop her. I only got compliance when I was at home but if not she would allow it rather than have a argument with her 10 year old boss my s.d. On one occasion while I was at work rather than argue with her daughter she allowed her to bring the baby then crawling into the kitchen since my s.d. insists on being at her side during meal preparation. The baby ended up burning her hands. I was really pissed off and told my wife why was your daughter in the kitchen to begin with and why did you allow her to bring the baby with her. On another occasion over the summer when we were camping I awoke early just in time to look out the cabin window and see a sight of horror. My s.d. was pushing the baby then 10 months in her stroller and lost control of it and was running down a slope to stop it before the baby and stroller plunged into a river !!! I banged on the window and my wife turned around ( she wasn't paying attention) and stopped the stroller. This is after numerous other stroller incidents like this by my s.d. that I begged my wife to not let the s.d. push or touch the stroller with the bay in it. My wife would rather risk our baby's health and welfare than tell her ten year old no. On another summer trip to Niagara Falls that I was not on my wife returned home with pictures. I looked at them and immediately was shocked. In the one photo my 9 year old niece was holding our daughter then 6 months on her one shoulder posing by the Falls ! I asked my wife who took this picture ?! You guessed it my s.d. and she told the niece her cousin to hold the baby like that. I asked my wife are you insane what would have happened if she dropped her ?! On another occasion the s.d. had a school project to work on that involved gluing little tiny beads. I asked my wife, in fact insisted as I was leaving for work that the s.d. did the work in her bedroom so I would not have to worry about the baby picking up a bead and choking. Of course she said okay then let s.d. do what ever the hell she wanted the moment I left. I walked back in the door that evening just in time to stop the baby from putting a bead in her mouth that she had picked up. Another time we were grocery shopping and s.d insisted on playing adult and pushing the cart with the baby in it. My wife backed down and allowed it. I went to one end of the store to grab something then turned the corner in shock to see the bay in the cart in the middle of an aisle unattended because s.d. walked off. My wife made a joke of it and dismissed it all. These are just some small examples of the routine nonsense that has gone on. The latest conflict that has me heading to seek legal counsel is a trip my wife has planned that I can not go on because of my business. She wants to take herself, the baby and s.d. out of state this summer to visit with her mom. I told her I can not trust your daughter with the baby alone and no. I told her you can go and leave the baby with me, you and s.d. can go or you and the baby go and s.d. stays home. I explained to her that I fear for the baby's life and do not trust her and her impaired judgement with s.d. I told all my fears from her allowing s.d. to play adult and bathe the baby and possibly drown her to s.d. taking her for a walk in the stroller and getting her hurt. Her response was well I am going and you will just have to trust me. I told her I cant and have no doubt in my mind her daughter, my s.d. will manipulate her the minute they are gone and my wife will jeopardize the baby's safety before standing up to s.d. and telling her No you cant bathe her etc. I am at my wits end over this and told her I will file for a divorce and emergency custody before I will allow her to be out of state with my s.d. and the baby because it is a recipe for disaster.

doglover1's picture

I cant believe what i just read. Your wife is not listening to you. Not sure what you can do..but i would tell her and sd that sd is never allowed to be alone with baby or carry,stroll whatever...EVER. Period end of story. Hope you can work things out rather than get a divorce.

My sd was at one point abusing my dogs....believe me that did not last. I cant imagine if it were a child!!

KittyKat's picture

Although some degree of sibling jealousy is NORMAL, your SD
is displaying a narcissistic personality and no one is helping her by allowing it to continue...

My own BS acted a lot like this when he was a child. Long story short, he was the "first" grandchild and great grandchild and he was treated as if he were GOD. My grandparents called him "The King". As his parents, my XH and were always at odds over his behavior. God FORBID, we ever raise our voice to him; he would cry to his grandparents about how MEAN we were to him.
My son could have defecated on the floor and smeared it on the wall, and all the grandparents would see is how TALENTED he is. He did NO WRONG.

So, imagine his jealousy when his little sister was born. He was 7, and acted out unbelievably. Yes, my mother and grandmother resorted to giving him baby bottles behind my back.
(The ironic thing, my mom pumped out 3 babies in 5 years, we just had to deal with it.....yet, MY son was treated as if he were ABUSED because now he had to share his world with this NEW BABY sister.)

Fast BS son is now 24 and STILL thinks he's the center of the universe. He quit college (my grandparents left him a fortune, so it wasn't his money down the drain....), and, surprise surprise, he lives rent-free with MY MOTHER who cooks for him, probably still wipes his butt. I have cut off communication with all of them. He has no friends (no one will put up with him) and he's a hypochondriac.

My son was insanely jealous when I met my now H, and he would have done anything to sabotage our relationship. As far as I'm concerned, he's part of the reason his dad and I split, there was no way in hell he was gonna break up this marriage.

In short, seek legal counsel because this behavior is NOT just going to go away without some kind of intervention. I'm concerned for your SANITY as this child has clearly established that she is the BOSS in the family, and it's only going to get worse as she gets older. The only one who will really lose in this situation (especially if you DO get out) is your SD. If people think her behavior is "cute" now, they will see her as
"obnoxious" in the future. Trust me.

Best wishes to you.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

northernsiren's picture

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. I don't know what else you can do to get through to this woman how bad the choices are that she is making. Please keep us updated, this is a dangerous situation and I would really like to know the outcome!!

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

JMC's picture


to close my eyes at night with this pyscho child in the house. I realize there's probably a little jealousy involved, but is your SD deliberately trying to injure her baby sister? I can't believe your wife is so blind to what's happening - could it be that she's scared of SD? It's one thing to not make a child mind, but to allow dangerous situations to occur on a daily basis is a whole different matter. I hate to see any marriage come apart, but you really need to seek immediate help and protect your baby daughter before something tragic happens.

JF's picture

Thank you everyone for your advice and yes I will keep it updated. To JamacianmeCrazy, yes my wife is scared of her daughter my s.d. It is the most pathetic thing anyone could ever witness watching a 10 year old brat run her mom like a wind up toy. As far as her trying to deliberately hurt the baby who knows ? I do not trust her though and caught her two years ago smacking the one neighbors two year old and telling her I hate you because you get all the attention. There was one occasion that I heard the baby fall and cry while she was in the room with her. I walked in and asked what had happened and my s.d. said oh nothing I do not know why she cried. My 16 year old said I do she just knocked the baby down on purpose while she was walking and he saw the whole thing. I just 100 % do not trust this kid. Kitty kat: Like a prophecy or crystal ball that is about the same future I see for my s.d. Her own teacher told me one morning she needs constant attention, thinks she is a little adult bossing all the kids around and wants all eyes on her at all times. The baby is an obstacle for her getting attention. On one occasion my wife was taking pics of the baby sipping her bottle and sitting on the floor. My s.d. jumped in to get her pics taken wearing a bib and sipping her own bottle. My wife showed people the pics and said oh how cute. I thought oh how sick and warped. There was nothing playful about any of it and she posed as a baby would drinking the bottle. How one person so young could wreak so much havoc in our marriage is amazing. My wife will choose offending me hurting my feelings or putting the baby in harms way before she will go up against this brat. I know this is rotten to say but I hate this kid with every bone in my body and cant even stand being in the same room as her. The rare occasions she is not home is like heaven. It not just me by the way, her own Aunts and cousins cant stand her either and do not want her at their homes.