SS not making efforts and is in fact emotionally manipulative; so shy should I continue?
I have been standing on my head for 3 years trying to get this moody introverted 12 year old to bond with me. he has made very little effort. he's withdrawn, uninterested, sarcastic and sulking all the time. even though he remembers nothing of his parents being together, somewhere along the way, he learned that it works to play the 'poor me my parents broke up and i'm so hard done by' card. i think this stems from his bd and his dad's parents. they play into it and constantly put down this kid's BM. my hubby and i recently had a baby of our own in the spring, and my SS completely ignores her, treats her like she doesn't exist. this is not new behavior for him as when his mother had two more children with her new husband, he referred to these young babies as 'insects'. this made his dad and grandmother snicker as they thought it was funny. at the time, i was horrified.
when he comes to stay with us, his dad and i fight and bicker. there is GREAT tension in the house between the SS and his dad, between me and the SS. my issue is he is telling everyone with great satisfaction (especially his mother) that he is coming to live with his DAD when he's 13. i don't understand how we're going to make it through this. it's gotten to the point where i feel he has such a negative attitude that is starting to affect my own family here at home. i feel such guilt over this that sometimes i break down and cry. any advice? counselling isn't an option at the moment as dad isn't interested and won't talk about it. i should mention that all the adults in the family have made great efforts to make this child feel part of our family, every chance we get we remind him he's important to us and that even though he has a new sibling, he shouldn't feel threatened. his attitude sucks regardless. and the adults seem to make excuses for this blaming it on his awful mother and the fact that THEY think she ignores him and pays attention to his other two younger siblings (which i don't believe for one second)....
Husband needs to get a grip
I have a FH who has a very rebellious 17 y/o bs-
He has played that card, his life sucks, nobody cares, everybody sucks..I hate this I hate that. It is so bad that I put our future nuptuals on hold. As much as I want to be his wife and have him move in with me, I can not let his son live here- my FH he has a blind spot with his son. It has caused numerous arguements b/w us. However since they do not live with me the advice I got was to let my FH raise his son and just back off, however I was told that if they did move in with me then FH would have to make a choice, support me or the son. If he is a husband the wife should come first --not the bs not the grandparents. your husband needs to get his head out of the sand and own up to his obligations to you.
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
you're right
yes, i agree. and this whole 'poor me' thing this child has going on is so transparent to only me it seems. like you said, a blind spot. do you and your fh plan on having any children together? this has caused quite the rift as well. my dream was to have my own family, but now my husband says that one is enough (we have a baby girl). he feels satisfied that he has two biological children. he has even gone so far as to say to me that i should consider his son 'mine' as well and that would be our family. i almost crawled out of my skin. i told him i think of him as much as a son as he thinks of me as his mother. which speaks for itself. not to mention, he already has a mom, i never bonded with him while he was young, and i don't have that connection wiht him. never will. anyway, thanks for sharing. i really appreciate it. and yes, he needs to get his head out of the sand. before his son plans to move in with us, we need to address this thing head on, no more avoiding, i am willing to cause a great big stir over this for the sake of me and my daughter. it's my house too. it's my home. i should have a say.
your ss plays the card that
your ss plays the card that works, children are smart and he would change strategies if the poor me wasn't working for him.
I am sorry you are going through this, sorry for your daughter, and sorry your SS is learning this tactic works in life,
perhaps if you appraoch it as we need to talk for our children's sake kind of way.
Approach it as it would be better for BD and SS in long run to be encouraged to have a relationship. A respectful healthy relationship, in which he would know he was an important part of the family, and BD needed him as a big brother. Feeling needed is important to children, when they feel lost and this child is obviously lost. If you DH doesn't wake up I am afraid you will be facing worse behavior in the future. Good luck.
It's unfortunate...
These kids !!!! That is exactly what he is - is a kid, who want's to be a grown up, but doesn't have a brain capacity to act like one. He still is using his childhood tactics. Any attention is good, whether it is good/bad. I'm not sure if I was you, if I would want a relationship between the two siblings. What kind of role model will he be?
It is hard to be a stepmother, one of the hardest things I have ever done - no doubt! I am very fortunate that DH is behind me and we see eye to eye. It has not always been that way, though. It was a long hard road. To make a long story short, my SD (18) thru a tantrum, hit me and now she's gone. I am now dealing with the fallout from the family, because they feel sorry for her, that I put her out and changed the locks - whatever.
Get hubby on your page, if that is not going to happen, get on your own page and go. Life is way too short to be miserable. Make it happen. You have the power! and emotional support here! Why? you ask, because YOU ARE WOMAN !!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
again, you are right
thanks for the reply. i appreciate ALL the support i have found on this miraculous website. and i'm sorry you are still dealing with strained relations regarding your SD. a tantrum and a physical outburst like that would warrant a lock change in my household too. good for you. i feel that one of these days divorced parents and the family that surround them will finally realize that you can only use that card for so long before it becomes boring and ineffectual. i mean, aren't 50% of parents divorced now? this should be becoming more the norm than not. when will parents and children of divorced parents finally get it together and hold one another accountable for their attitudes and behaviors. and i think a 12 year old boy is old enough to be accountable. i think it might be a little different if he was 4 or 5 years old. but seriously...enough is enough. when i was 12, i was babysitting for cryin' out loud. this kid is still eating macaroni and watching cartoons. our society is harboring a huge group of adolescents and preventing them from maturing. we are ENABLING them to a degree to like you say, remain children and behave like children. and why? because the divorced parents feel guilty. it's pathetic.