Sleeping Arrangements - Need advice.
My bf and I have been living together in my home for over 2 years. I have a 11-year-old son (and 2 grown sons) and my bf recently got access to his 8 1/2-year-old daughter. She's been coming to our house since March and since June we've had her from Friday after work until Monday before work.
The problem is that she refuses to sleep unless he's in her bed with her. If he leaves, she wakes everyone up by calling for him. He can't even be in another room cooking or watching TV. He refuses to say no to her. Who wants a boyfriend who sleeps with his daughter for half the week and has to go to bed at 8:30 on the weekends? LOL I'm fed up, hurt, and very angry that this is my life now. I didn't sign up for this. She won't listen to me either!
He insists he can fix this. All I've seen him do so far is trying to reason with her for hours…every weekend. And she still won't sleep without him and he still won't say no.
Help! I don't want to end the relationship, but I haven't slept well in the last 5 weeks and this is ruining every weekend for my son and I. I dread weekends now and don't even want to be here, in the home that I was raised in, because this is so stressful. My son is starting to hate her and I'm becoming resentful towards both my bf and his daughter. I just want peace. I suggested we stop the overnights and he said no way. I had other suggestions and his response was that he's going to sleep with her until she doesn't want him to, which will be never. I believe she knows he won't say no so she's manipulating him. She doesn't sleep with her mom and they have been in their place for the same amount of time she's been coming here.
Help!!
IF its your house, I would
IF its your house, I would kick him out until its resolved because honestly, this pattern isn't going to get better any time soon. It may move away from the bed but it will become something else. Until he can get over himself and realize he is raising a human to be a citizen and not his best friend, this relationship will end poorly.
Sometimes love isn't enough.
It's your house, let him know
It's your house, let him know that if he insists on sleeping with his daughter until she's ready, then he can find his own place and move back in once they stop their co-dependent mini wife lifestyle. I have a feeling you won't ever see him again.
This is a full hill to die on
This is a full hill to die on. I would tell him that sleeping with his daughter stops now. At 8.5 she is old enough to be able to sleep in her own bed alone. Now, If he wants to "tuck her in" , read her a story.. sit with her for a few minutes till she falls asleep to ease the transition, that's not unreasonable.
But, if his response is that "he will do it until she doesn' need it" I don't think he needs to continue to be in your home and having visitation there when it is disruptive to your life.
Thank you!!
Oh my goodness! Thank you! I have been feeling so guilty for feeling this way. And everything changed since she started staying overnight. I got so mad last weekend that I left at 11 pm to sleep in my car because I couldn't listen to it anymore. I told her the rules that he and I had agreed on and he didn't follow through! I was devastated.
I told him he should start to look for his own place and that didn't even wake him up. Now I've kicked him out of my bedroom and I'm making him sleep in her room even when she's not here. That seems to be rattling him. I don't understand how somebody can be so proud to never say no to his child. It's appalling to me and it sets a very bad example for my son.
He is from Portugal so has no family here. I wish he did. He is my best friend and this is the best relationship I've ever had, and he says it's his too. Before she came into the picture, we did everything together. It's the first time in my life that I've had a real partner and not just a guy who wanted a maid. He cooks, cleans, picks up after himself, he works so hard and he never makes me doubt that he loves me. Until now. ☹️ I think I'm still in a bit of shock that this is even happening. He knows he's in trouble because he is texting me regularly, telling me that he loves and misses me. I tell him to fix it then, and prove it.
She is back here Thursday night. If nothing changes, I'm going to lose the love of my life because he can't say no to his kid. It sounds so pathetic!
I'm curious.. why did he not
I'm curious.. why did he not have access to his daughter until she was over 8 yo? I mean.. I can understand the first time or two she sleeps in a strange place that a kid might need some extra help being comfortable but it is NOT normal for parents to cosleep with their children when they are that age. She needs to learn to have coping skills so that she can sleep independently. What about at her mom's does she sleep solo there? or does mom sleep with her too?
In your household, the ADULT relationship is the primary one. YOu have each other's backs and you present a united front to the kids. If you disagree with how your SO is dealing with your child.. or vice versa.. you have these conversations in private.. you don't undermine the authority of your partner. you NEED your partner to support you in a step family more than anything.
I am not saying he can't act in a caring way towards his child.. but putting her on a pedestal over you is wrong. He should be sleeping with his partner.. not his child.
He did have access until he split with his wife
They didn't have a good split. He says she was sleeping with other men while she was telling him she wanted to work on things. She wouldn't let her see him for 2 years. He spent 10s of thousands of dollars to get access through court, but as you know court can take forever. His ex is a narcissist ( that is MY opinion based on my dealings with her in and out of court...so many lies, and she's always the victim...plus I know ppl who know her and they can't stand her...and they don't know my bf)
His daughter and her mom moved into a new place at the same time we started seeing her, and she rarely sleeps with her mom. She tells him that she's scared and he buys right into it. And heaven forbid if the tears start.
I totally discussed with him how I felt about the situation from the first night she stayed overnight and what I thought he should do, and considering it's my house, I expected him to do it. Nothing I suggested was unreasonable or difficult to do.
He is not a good parent
And not a good guy. He throwing you under the bus. Making your life and home Hel*
You’re right
I sure didn't see this coming. Never in a million years did I expect this from him. I've already told him this isn't the kind of relationship I want. It makes me so uncomfortable.
I don't think he believes that I will actually kick him out… But he's so wrong!! I have been through a lot in my life and when I decide to end a relationship, it's done quick and efficiently. He is going to be so screwed if I decide to do that! I can shut off my feelings and I'm used to doing life alone and I don't mind it at all.
BF may be from another
BF may be from another country and he may have no family here, but prior to living with you he managed to put a roof over his head. He can do it again.
A parent unwilling to say no to an almost nine year old is creating a teenage monster. There is no amount of cleaning, cooking, and financial contribution that will make up for the living hell of his teenager custody time.
Amen to that!
You all don't know how relieved I am to hear I'm not being a biatch about this. Lol My mom and my best friend are furious with him. A funny thing is that he grew up with his grandparents and they were super strict. He got his a$$ whooped if he didn't listen. I can't understand why he feels the need to spoil his kid so much. And it's extra funny when he tells me how I should parent my son… He says "my parents and grandparents would've never let me get away with that" LOL i'm pretty sure his parents and grandparents would frown on what he's doing right now too.
The fact that he tries to
The fact that he tries to give you "parenting advice" would chap my ass as much as all the other bull crap. I do believe I would rip him a new one over that kind of sanctimonious crap.
Yup, called him on it.
Haha As soon as I saw what was happening here, I brought that up with him and asked him why he thought it was OK to be harder on my son when he can't even say no to his daughter about anything. Of course he couldn't answer me.
I experienced this same issue
I experienced this same issue and god it is frustrating. When kid falls asleep with the parent there, they expect them to be there when they wake up, so when they're alone they're terrified and cause drama. You aren't able to enjoy your weekend with your man when he's going to sleep at 8:30 with his child. Fortunately I was able to resolve it so this might help. You mentioned he wants to solve it, so that's promising. Remind him it really hurts that he isn't spending quality time with you and at this age, it's reasonable to be able to have adult time at night. You'll both need to talk through a plan to phase her out of him sleeping with her and be on the same page.
What we did was when SS was 4, BF sat and had a talk with him and explained what be happening at bed time from now on. The structure was: 7:30pm bath time and use the potty, 7:50pm read 1 book, then 8:00 lights out and BF would set his timer for 5 minutes and would lay there with him during that time. Once the timer went off, he would kiss him good night, and walk right out of the room, ignoring any protests or asking for any attention. He told him he would be getting a reward the next morning for going to sleep by himself and staying in his bed. I got him an adorable night light that he loved (I put the link at the bottom), and I would put on sleepy time music on spotify for him when it was time for BF to get up and walk out. We also leave him water to have next to his bed, so we knew he was more than comfortable.
SS actually did very well. It's hard for him because he sleeps with BM when he's with her. So every night at our house he asks "can someone sleep with me?" We always say you wouldn't want that because daddy has suuuuuuper stinky farts!! and I tell him you don't want to sleep with me because I snore suuuuuuper loud! He laughs and it seems to convince him. Our lives changed after that. We now have adult time every day, including when he's over.
https://www.amazon.com/LED-Nursery-Night-Lights-Kids/dp/B06XYGDS4X/ref=s...
My Bf’s daughter is 8.5
And there's NO reasoning with her. She just wakes everyone up. I'm still waiting for him to come up with a plan LOL mine didn't seem to work
He just left and said 'see you tomorrow'
It just drives me crazy when he comes home and acts like everything is normal. He asks questions about my day and then says he's going to have a shower. I said 'not in my room again, please' (he used it after I've repeatedly asked him not too) and he's like 'are you really going to do this to me?!' Like he thinks that making him sleep in another bedroom and use one of the two other bathrooms is such a slap in the face and what he's doing to me is nothing at all. When I told him that my room is my haven and it's the only place I can go to get away from all this stress, he says 'I didn't do anything. It's not my fault. I haven't seen her in 2 years'. so I said, yes it is your fault for letting this continue when you see how upset it makes me and for making me not want to be in my own home on weekends. I asked him if he planned to change things and he said yes....when I asked how, he said 'I don't know.' He thinks I'll just get used to it, I guess.
She's supposed to come tomorrow night and I told him I don't want her here overnight, then he left...and that was that. And to be honest, I'm relieved he's gone. I hate being around him right now because he won't even acknowledge his part in this mess. I've been telling him that this could be the beginning of the end and he just keeps saying 'Everything will be ok'....when??? He can't answer me. He can't tell me anything because he has NO idea. I told him that he's the parent/adult and HE is the one that is letting all this happen. But I've been telling him the same thing for 5 weeks and either he is too stupid to see it or he's pretending he's stupid....or he legit doesn't see the problem and thinks it's me.
Question - is there possibly
Question - is there possibly a communication issue with him being from Portugal? How is his English? Do you speak Portuguese? Also - are you sure he understands your reasoning for having him sleep in the other room?
I'm not trying to excuse his behavior at all, just wondering if he's not quite understanding some things?
Nope
I skipped over many of the responses you've received --- lots of wise folk here.
With my background, I'll remind you that adult males sleeping with prepubescent girls is frowned upon in most states. Seriously. Bio related or not.
Remember down the road if you sanction certain activities --- explicitly or implicitly --- you may face consequences. You may lose custody of your child --- short-term perhaps.
I’ve been telling him that for weeks
He won't listen to me. He says there's nothing wrong with it. Last night before he left to stay at a friend's place because I asked him to stay out of my bedroom/bathroom. he said "This isn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong." I've told him that his ex-wife could get him in a lot of trouble but he doesn't seem to care. It's like they're each other's security blanket or stuffie or something.
I was thinking about suggesting counseling, but honestly I am not sure it's worth it. This is a such strange co-dependent behaviour and I honestly can't see it changing.
IMHO the only solution is to
IMHO the only solution is to sit BF down and inform him that he will fix it tonight and every single night going forward or he and his daughter are out the next AM.
Recycle this method when needed as you run into future parental failures on BF's part.
That way, you will not be ending the relationship if it ends, he will. He chooses ending it by choosing not to address his failed parent tendencies. Your role is holding him accountable with zero tolerance for inaction on his part.
I agree with you
I told him last night that I don't mind if she comes here, but she cannot stay overnight and he said OK. If she comes and she asks to stay, I'm going to tell her that she can only stay if she follows the house rule of sleeping alone. If she won't, she will have to go to her moms or they will both need to leave.
He was just here. I think reality has sunk in
He was very upset. I tried to tell him it's easy to fix if he'll just start being her parent. I suggested that one of them sleeps in the bed and one of them sleeps on the floor for a bit, but not here. He said he'd rather sleep on the floor than her. I'd have my kid on the floor so fast!! Lol So frustrating. The putting her on a pedestal thing just isn't going to end by the look of things. But at least I'll get sleep this weekend! Woot! Then he better come up with a plan for the weekend after this one when he has her again.
You really have a DH problem
He playing into the "game". He wants to play the "game". He not parenting his kid. Think your marriage is in trouble
That's just gross! a grown
That's just gross! a grown man should NOT be sleeping in a bed with a 8 year old girl! If she is old enough to dress and feed herself then she does not need dadeeee to sleep with her. That's disgusting!
And if she insists on walking everyone in the house up to get dadeeee to come sleep with her (in other words walking everyone up so she can demand to be the center of attention and demand she get what she wants) I would not allow that in MY home. If she is going to behalf like that she would not be invited back. You are not obligated to host her in your home. Tell dadeee to take his visits elsewhere, you are not catering to the mini wife
This kid needs firm and
This kid needs firm and direct action to end this. A swat to the rump, a hand at the back of the neck march back to bed, and a clear message that if she disturbs anyone there will be unpleasant consequences. To make sure to cut off the obvious next pathway for her to manipulate, let her know that she had damned well better not wet the bed and she will get up, quietly use the toilet, leave it clean, and return to bed rather than wetting the bed.
Close each manipulation conduit she attempts.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
She will grow up eventually.
At this late stage, the odds of your DH growing up are not likely.
He’s seen the light and she’s making life hell
The bf put his foot down. I disengaged from the situation and I'm sleeping much better now. My bf has tried everything and his kid has just gotten worse. She is the most selfish, rude, mopey kid I've seen in my life. She's breaking his heart. Mom isn't helping. Keeps telling the kid to tell my bf that she's scared. I think mom is causing most of the issues. She's got her tethered to her damn cell phone.
as soon as his daughter gets her way, she returns to normal. I think she's a budding narcissist. Ugh.
Time for daddy to take the
Time for daddy to take the phone when the Skid arrives for visitation and return it only as she is getting out of the car at mommy's front door.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
The great thing about video games is that you can't play them without the controller. The phone is mommy's kid controller. Take the controller, mommy can't play games.
He’s going to try that...
But I think it's just going to make her even more miserable. I think that the only way this can get better is if her mom grows up. Crying whiles she's dropping her off and then making the kid cry is not helping the situation, but I think that's her goal. She sends the kid to us and she's already 'worried' about poor mommy and she gets miserable.
She wasn't nearly as monsterous before our last court date. My bf got Sunday night access and his ex was bawling...she was NOT happy. That's when this constant moping started out of the blue. She always fought bedtime but she was mostly happy when she was here...now it's ridiculous. It's like Mom has scared her somehow. she keeps parroting her mom's words - it's too long, I'm scared, I need more time. I have heard her mom say those words to me directly. I think mom is laying it on thick when the kid leaves and goes home...she acts like she hasn't seen her in years. This woman is unstable.
I'm actually beginning to wonder if this kid has ever had a sleepover anywhere without her mom. I'm beginning to think she is sheltering her so much that she's scared of everything and everyone who isn't related to her. She's that controlling. I could totally see it.
Who cares if she is miserable?
The goal is to stop her from making everyone else miserable. That may very well require an escalated level of misery for her and continuing to escalate her misery until she makes the connection between her behavior/attidudes and the escalating level of misery she is experiencing.
Stay the course.
Good luck.
Arghhhhh
This kid! The bf is standing his ground and she just gets worse. Devil child. She screams "I want to go home" over and over and over again. Even her mom got involved yesterday and told her she has to stay with us like the court order said. At one point she even started to walk to the highway so she could walk home. But her mom wasn't even at home and she knew it LOL she is such a freaking drama queen. The boyfriend sees it pretty clearly now though.
So my question is how do you discipline a child who refuses to listen to a word you say? We've already told her that she's not coming with us on a camping trip on a long weekend unless she sleeps by herself the next two weekends… I really don't think she's going to do it.
I did manage to get her to talk to me about yesterday and she told me that she is worried her mom will be lonely ( because she's single and her dad has me), She admitted that she doesn't want to share her dad with anyone, and she has never had a sleepover with anyone who isn't related to her. Excuses. He told her flat out that I'm not going anywhere and that he loves me and she just has to learn to deal.
her mom kept telling my boyfriend to just sleep with her and I kept saying we've already tried that and it made no difference. She thinks sleeping with her one night is going to solve everything LOL what a joke! When we went to pick her up, her mom was actually blaming everything on me, saying that I'm the one that convinced my bf he shouldn't be sleeping with her at 8 1/2 years old. She said she slept with her own parents until she was nine… Like WTF!? no wonder this kid is so f'd up. She doesn't sleep with her mom though. Last night was horrible again. I need ideas. I think she needs a smack on the ass but he's not willing to do that and I sure can't. What do you do with a kid who is so defiant? My kids never acted like this...Neither have any kids I know. I've never seen anything like it.
Compressed air horn!.... or cold Squirt bottle.
When she blows her stack into a tantrum... blast the horn so no one can hear her above the blast.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
And.. why can't she be locked in her room?
I would install keyed dead bolts on the front and back doors so she can't run away,
Then take a zero tolerance escalating misery stance with her. If she starts pitching a tantrum, blast the horn or spray her in the face with the ice cold squirt bottle then march her to her room by the scruff of her neck or if necessary... a twisted ear.
Then return to your room for a come to Jesus meeting with her father. He either puts his proverbial.. or better yet... physical foot up her ass or he and she are gone.
Not on my most insane day would I have ever even considered pulling the shit that this POS failed prior family breeding experiment pulls regularly. Neither mom nor dad would have tolerated it for even half a second and a shit storm of monumental proportions would have rained misery and mayhem down on our heads.
And it should go without saying, no electronics, no toys, no interface with the family, nothing.... unless her behavior warrants it.
I wish...
He's terrified to do anything like that because his ex will try her best to get him in trouble for it. She'd call it abuse, I'm sure. I just don't know how much you can get away with nowadays. Can you lock a child in their room like that!?
I am asking him to stop the overnights completely and see if that smartens the brat up. If she's still miserable in the daytime, then I'll ask him to reduce the hours there too. The only currency we have is that she really wants to see him and maybe she'll realize that her behaviour is stopping that.
This is so hard. I hate it. I'm starting to hate her for causing so much disruption. I just want my calm, peaceful life back and so does he, but with her in it. I'm going to talk to a professional about this, I think, before her and her mom win and cause us to break up.
Fwiw, your bf isn't the
Fwiw, your bf isn't the custodial parent, and, as such, doesn't have to take his daughter. The CO only gives him the right to see her at the designated times. He could take her back to her mother's whenever he pleases.
If he can't abide by the decisions you made together, change the locks next time he leaves and let him know you're serious.
He is handling it much better now
He's trying so hard to deal with her and not let her disrupt everyone so much. It breaks his heart but he's not letting her get away with anything that he feels he can control. He can't stop her from having tantrums and he won't spank her. He can't lock her in her room. She won't stay there and I'm sure she'd freak out. I get that he can say no and not take her but he fought in court for 2.5 years to see her. He stayed in Canada for her. He's stumped...we both are. He is getting better at ignoring her tantrums.
I have 3 boys and I have never dealt with this shit. How can we get through to her without spanking her (which is what she needs but nowadays it's certainly frowned upon). What can he do? Do you have suggestions? He has been taking to her to her room when she's acting up but she won't stay there and she yells and screams. He sleeps on the floor in her room until she falls asleep and then he comes to bed… I'm working on getting him to sleep in the bed and put her on the floor… Baby steps. NOTHING is making a difference. Do we just keep doing that and hope she eventually gets tired of the stupidity and realizes that he's not giving in? Maybe stopping access for a bit would work. I don't know. She really wants to see him, but she wants to see him alone. She does not want me or my son in the picture and we've told her a million times that's not gonna happen. I need suggestions. There's no reasoning with her, so don't suggest that. Lol I talked to her for an over an hour yesterday and she is not going to budge on this stuff. I even took her phone away at her moms request. She flipped out. From now on as soon as we pick her up the phone is gone. And all of this because he won't sleep in her bed with her… It's so ridiculous
Just to clarify...
They do things alone together... but this is his home. He's not gonna go sleep somewhere else so that she can have him to herself...that's what I meant. He loves it here. We live in the country and he'd rather be here than anywhere else. I'm not hogging his time. He'd just really rather sleep in his own bed and if he does, she keeps everyone in the house awake with her tantrums
He needs to find her currency
He needs to find her currency. Does she have a phone? The phone goes every time there's a tantrum- just an idea. Use what matters to her.
We tried that too
She was pi$$ed but it didn't slow her tantrums down AT ALL. Just so you have an idea, when she decide she wants to go home that's all she will say for hours. Her mom wasn't even at home and then her mom called me and we all talked to her together and told her that she wasn't home, that she needs to stay with us, etc., but she keeps on saying it because she wants him to give in and sleep with her to shut her up. She wouldn't listen to her mom, she wouldn't listen to her dad, and she wouldn't listen to me. She would stop doing some things if I raised my voice but she would not stop the whining, crying, and yelling. You have no idea how bad I wanted to put her in her room and lock her in there LOL at one point she was stomping her feet like a three-year-old having a tantrum.
Grrrr. His ex is crazy.
The bf agreed to stop overnights since they were a disaster. When we discussed it with his ex, she decided that she was the only one who could modify his access (which she did almost every weekend) and stopped ALL his access until we go to court. She was upset that we wouldn't take her on a Friday night. I'm guessing she had plans. Doh! The problem is that she thinks court is on September 11 and it's not actually until October and November. She is going to be in some trouble when we do go to court because she'll have to explain to the judge why she wouldn't work with us on this and instead just stopped her daughter from seeing him completely AGAIN.
If it was my kid, I'd go to court and try to get an emergency order but I'm really enjoying the break from that kid. So much less stress. We're happy again. I don't want to fight for something I don't really want. I'd like to limit her visits to one day a weekend until she grows up and will sleep by herself, but he still wants more access. I guess we'll see what the judge says.
A relative of his ex went to my bf's workplace and told him that he and his ex should get back together and they'd be so happy now and that she wants him back!! LOLOL This woman is psycho. She cheated on him 3x, wouldn't let him see his daughter for 2.5 yrs, tried to get him deported, and when all that fails, she says she wants him back. She's delusional. He was furious and disgusted that she would even go there. Lunatic.
It's so sad when parents use
It's so sad when parents use their child to try and hurt the other parent. The courts should do more to prevent it somehow.