Is this normal? I really don't know. Please advise!
Forums:
I'm a childless stepparent and get along well with my husband's 10-year-old daughter. He has 50/50 custody. We have been married 2 1/2 years.
The problem is that my husband's daughter won't spend time on her own. Not to play in her room, hang out with the dog, sit on the deck, even watch tv. She literally follows us from room to room.
Is this normal? I thought at 10 years old she would be more independent, but I honestly don't know because I am not a parent.
Please share your input - thanks in advance!
If she is anything like my SS
If she is anything like my SS it is an issue of domination and control, not that she can't or don't want to be alone or that she really even wants your company. She just wants to be the center of attention and be in control of you guys. I am not saying this is the case, but it is definitely what the deal is with my SS.
Fedup, how do you deal with
Fedup, how do you deal with it?
I find that I can carve out space and time for myself to write or do yoga or read in our bedroom. She knows that our room is off-limits.
The problem is that when I do that (even for just an hour or two), she complains to her mom that we force her to be alone all the time. Which is not true, not at all.
But she experiences it like that whenever I make time for myself, even if she spends the entire day with her dad. If I'm not there, she complains to her mom, and then my husband has to deal with an intrusion from his former wife.
Well, for the first couple of
Well, for the first couple of years, I did the typical new gf/wife thing, I complained to my DH about it and I was the villain because I was pointing out issues that he did not want to see and did not want to deal with. His coping mechanism was always to give in the SS, let him run the show and run him ragged, and then finally just tune him out when he could not be his dancing monkey anymore. I would fume and get mad and bottle it up and then when SS would go home to his BM, my husbands nerves were shot, I was mad at him for not setting up boundaries and being a complete parent, as in doing the unpleasant but necessary tasks of direction and discipline, and we would fight and bicker because we were just both spent. In the last year, because of BM and the atrocious things she has done to me and because now that SS is older and much more manipulative and devious and disturbed, I did the extreme but so needed thing. I told my DH that the one week on one week off thing was not going to work if he expected his marriage to work as well. Thankfully, this also coincided with SS being school aged and the court got to decide whom he lived with for school because we live about 2 hours from BM. He goes to school there and is here every Thurs-Sun. (Misses school on Fri, ridiculous, but not my decision.) My husband does not work the typical M-F schedule, so if he is not here, neither is SS. I took myself out of the equation, I am no longer an option for supervising the child, I am no longer a babysitter, he is here when DH is but other than that he stays with family. DH has pity parties from time to time but I had to do what I had to do for myself and for my marriage. My SS has a lot of extreme behavior issues/mental issues, has ODD, ADHD, I believe early onset conduct disorder, so the extreme clinginess was just a drop in the bucket, and if your SD is pleasant otherwise and you get along this isn't an option for you, but if it ever does get to the point where you can't take it anymore or if her behavior worsens, just remember that just because you are married to her father does not mean you are her mother or that you have to suffer because of it.
Oh my, that sounds tough. You
Oh my, that sounds tough. You seem really clear, though. I'm glad you were able to create boundaries that work for you and your marriage. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, my husband's daughter is pleasant otherwise. It's the clinginess that concerns us. We believe it's a direct result of the narcissistic parenting she goes through at her mom's. We can't change that, but we can model something different for her when she's with us.
I just really want to know if most 10-year-olds are like this!
Does you DH say anything to
Does you DH say anything to the kid for making up lies and telling them to her mother? That would be step one.
If DH told me I had to change my behavior to keep BM from getting mad - well i'm not sure what would happen - missing body parts perhaps?
Absolutely. My husband speaks
Absolutely. My husband speaks directly with his daughter - and his former wife - about the lying.
It's an ongoing problem. As he says, his daughter needs "constancy of purpose" so while some of her lies are the usual kid stuff, he calls her on each and every one of them and talks her through to the truth. When the day comes she chooses to tell us a difficult truth rather than lie, she will get tons of positive reinforcement from him. He's committed to the long haul with this.
As for my husband with me: he never tells me to change my behavior because of his former wife. There would be missing body parts if he did! Ha.
I take time for myself because it's what I need, and he supports that. He wants his daughter to be more independent, too. He creates opportunities for her enjoy time with herself. It's just hard to enforce because she's so clingy.
Is it normal for a 10 year old to not want to be by herself, ever? Even to play in her room or play outside with the dog?
Hey everybody, if anyone
Hey everybody, if anyone could tell me if it's normal for a 10-year-old to resist spending any time on her own, I'd really appreciate it!
I have no idea what's age-appropriate, and I need your help.
Does her BM have other
Does her BM have other children or a significant other?
That's a good question. Her
That's a good question. Her mom has a boyfriend (not live-in, but they spend a lot of time together). He has two kids. They're always busy together.
Her mom never gives her daughter any alone time because she herself doesn't enjoy it. My husband has told me stories of how if he was in another room for more than 10 minutes, his former wife would come looking for him.
We want to give his daughter something different in our home. Lots of fun together time, and some time on our own, doing our own thing.
The reason I asked was
The reason I asked was because sometimes, when women are divorced and alone, they turn their child into their constant companion. If his ex never gives her alone time she has essentially conditioned her to be needy and dependent on others because that is what she models for her. Monkey see monkey do, when she is with her Mom, she is never alone, so when she is with you, she doesn't know how to be alone. I agree with you 100% on trying to show her that things are not that way everywhere because she needs to be independent and be able to entertain herself for sure.
Thanks, RedEyes, that's
Thanks, RedEyes, that's exactly what we're trying to encourage in her: self-confidence. I know it will take time.
And yes, her mom has made the mistake of making her daughter her "perfect little baby" and her "best friend." It's really sad.
It creates a lack of healthy boundaries and makes her serve her mom's emotional needs when it should be the parent caring for the child. What a disservice. No wonder the poor thing experience time with herself as abandonment.
We will keep doing what we're doing - thanks for the hugs!
Redeyes-- My SS11 is
Redeyes-- My SS11 is extremely clingy too. Hangs all over his Daddy, etc. can you tell me how you & DH addressed it with your skid? There is quite a few if us here that deal with this issue. Any advice you could give would be great!!
OP- Im in the same situation except I have BD8. My 8 yr old plays independently just fine. Its frustrating I know!!! But I think your handling it great!! Hang in there!!
Lets step back from this a
Lets step back from this a little bit. We have a 10 yo kid whose world was suddenly torn completely apart. From her earliest memory her parents were there, every day, every hour, making sure all was well in the world.
And one day it was gone.
She's scared. If this terrible terrible thing can happen what other terrors await her? Can Daddies disappear never to be seen again? Nobody ever told her that Daddies can leave the home. Maybe noboody told her that Daddies can just disappear one day and never come back. In fact she may be hearing stores at school about kids who have had exactly that happen.
Just maybe she thinks that if she keeps him in sight then that terrible thing won't happen. Lets just think about that.
Look you've got this guy I'm assuming 12 out of every 14 days. Are you terrified he'll disappear? Probably not. So lets give this kid some room to be with Daddy and let him work through this with her. Yes he does need to make her independent - after all she'll be an adult in 8 short years. Help him but don't force him to make a choice between you and the girl. If he's a decent enough fellow you'll find youself in second place as well you should.
the kid is 10, not 2.
the kid is 10, not 2. accepting babyish behavior because her parents split up is exactly the right way to turn her into a worthless adult that no one will like. and no, sm should NOT be in 2nd place. time to loosen that hat. actually, it was time a long time ago.
I appreciate your compassion
I appreciate your compassion for my husband's daughter, I really do.
I will tell you a bit more about our situation. Her parents have been divorced for 4 years. I have been with her dad for 2 1/2, and for all those 2 1/2 years, his daughter has spent 50% of her time with us. He is a very present dad, in every way.
Encouraging his daughter to be more independent is my husband's idea. I'm supporting him in it - that's my role, to support his decisions as a parent.
I am concerned that she is co-dependent and babyish due to the expectations at her mom's house, which are not the same at her dad's. I suppose I'll just need to trust that in time, she will find a balance between her two homes.
Mostly, I'm just trying to find out if most 10-year-olds are able to play on their own. I'm reading books about childhood development, but I thought I'd get some first-hand experience here on the board.
THANK you for this! i pulled
THANK you for this! i pulled up the one for 9 year olds and am curious to read it next time i get a break here. Awesome link!!!
Kids, plural? Do they spend
Kids, plural? Do they spend that time together? Might make it easier. My husband's daughter is an only child.
Thanks, Sueu2. I have loads
Thanks, Sueu2. I have loads of compassion for my husband's daughter - this isn't about attacking her. She has the very hard job of navigating two different worlds. I know how hard that is for her - I didn't it myself from the age of 6 on.
We have her 50% of the time and she is happy here. This is her home. In many ways my husband thinks she prefers it here, actually. She calls our house the "chill" house because she can relax. At her mom's she constantly on the go - she comes to us every other week exhausted, unwashed, and emotionally fragile.
My husband supports my need for time and space to myself. He does not allow his daughter to dictate things in our home. And he certainly doesn't let his former wife dictate how we do things in our home. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. When I say that she follows us from room to room, I don't mean that we simply let her. We're working to create healthy boundaries every day. My husband wants to help her enjoy her own company, so she grows up to be a self-confident, independent young woman.
What I wanted to know - because I'm not a parent and I don't know what's to be expected, developmentally - is if her behavior is within the bounds of normal. Thank you for your feedback!
I'm so sorry your
I'm so sorry your relationship with your stepdaughter isn't good right now. Maybe it will get better with time?
I know how damaging narcissistic parenting can be. I've studied it a lot - and my father is a narcissist. I know all the signs - and the impact it can have on a child. I'm helping my husband guide his daughter through that.
Oh yes, we arrange playdates
Oh yes, we arrange playdates every weekend. So far this weekend, she's had two playdates and one sleepover!
There's no lack of family time and one-on-one time with both me and my her dad. With the exception of yesterday morning - when I was reading and writing in our bedroom (which is off-limits to kiddos) and my husband was out for an hour - she has been with a friend, with her dad, or with me. The three of us watched a movie together, did yoga together, took our dog for a hike. But then when my husband and I need to work or talk with each other about adult stuff, she follows us from room to room, setting up wherever we are.
We're trying to find a balance for her, that's all. We want her to grow up to be a self-confident, independent young woman - who likes her own company.
Maybe she likes hanging out
Maybe she likes hanging out with you guys? 10 is pretty emotionally young. If she doesnt have siblings or pets or a sport and she's moving from one house to another I think its ok to follow people around. Do you want her to just sit in her room with an IPod? Include her in cooking, vacuuming the car whatever you are doing. Don't worry this stage won't last too long! She will be off getting piercings tatts and unsuitable boyfriends, enjoy the age she is now