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Seeking advice on appropriate transition

stardust2467's picture

Hello everyone,
First, let me apologize if this is under the wrong sub-forum. I am seeking advice and guidance on what level of communication between the biomom and my partner is appropriate, as well as what boundaries are appropriate for me to set for myself. To begin, I DO understand that a lot of what is okay is going to include and rely on what feels appropriate to my partner because it is his daughter; and I want to make it clear I am one hundred percent respectful of what he says, do not push anything, and check in about everything first (following his lead)!

That being said, I am struggling with feelings of uncomfortability (and yes, there might be some jealousy) trying to figure out what my place is with my partners three year old daughter and us becoming a family (as we both want), and what place her mother appropriately still plays in us being a family. As of right now as their seperation is still recent, my partner and his ex-wife send each other photographs of their daughter every day as a way of checking in with how she is doing. They also share little comments about her, memories of their daugher via photographs, and other things like photographs of food they bought her that day that she likes, or a shirt that was given by an extended family member as a gift, etc. Recently, my partners ex wife also made a comment that she would appreciate if I didn't discipline or set rules for their daughter as I am not her biological mother.

I'm struggling with both of these things. Regarding the comment about setting rules and boundaries, my partner and I both feel that since they aren't together and they are seperated that isn't her place to say (which is positive we align there!). But I am still angry that she said it and uncomfortable she felt she could. Secondly, I REALLY just want to know, are my partner and his daughters bio mom sharing too much? I am aware my emotions can overpower what's rational and fair. So on one hand, I DO love and am happy that he can get photographs every day of her and think it's respectful to send one back. But on the other hand, sometimes I feel like when we are all having a day together and he is sharing a photograph, then a photograph of a new snack we got her, or a photograph of a shirt, or a memory, or something funny she said that it's becoming a day with me, his daughter, himself AND his ex wife. Not just the three of us!

I don't want to push that this makes me uncomfortable too much with him if I AM being completely in the wrong. He feels okay with this level of communication and I want to respect his journey. But to me there's a difference between trying to co-parent still (discussing important issues, her school, etc) and sharing day to day life.

Please help? I really want to do the right thing here and be the right way! Thank you.

shellpell's picture

You’re only 26! Find a childless man (there should be plenty) and avoid decades of trouble. His daughter is only 3. Read the blogs and forums here. 

ndc's picture

What is their current custody arrangement?  If your partner is seeing his daughter only every other weekend, then I can understand him wanting to exchange pictures.  If the bio parents are splitting time 50/50, then I'm not sure why they have to be sending pictures back and forth frequently, and I certainly don't understand why they have to send each other pictures of food and gifts.  It sounds like their separation is so new that they haven't quite cut the cord yet, and they're trying to stay in touch with each other using the child as the reason.  Are they divorced yet?  That's relevant because you certainly don't want to get caught up in their divorce, or having your partner walking on eggshells with respect to your relationship because he's afraid of how the BM will react.  Personally, I think there's too much communication going on between the two of them (at least from what you're describing) and I would not be comfortable with that either.  However, it may be that your partner simply is not ready for a new relationship at this point.  You could let him know of your discomfort and see how he reacts.  He should be willing to put up some boundaries for you.

As for the BM's request that you not discipline or set rules for her child, I'm not sure that I'd be OK with that.  I think that it should be your partner who is doing most of the discipline and setting the rules.  However, it is ridiculous to say that you should not be able to discipline or set rules because you are not her biological mother.  There are plenty of people who are not the biological mother who set rules for and discipline a child.  Do you and the child's father live together?  If so, I think you are within your rights to set rules that affect you and your home.  Are you ever left alone with the child and have responsibility for her?  If so, you need to have authority along with responsibility.

When I first met my SO, I did not discipline his kids and I did not set rules for them.  I might have pointed out to him if his kids were doing something I thought needed to be corrected, but I was fun girlfriend to the kids.  As our relationship evolved and I was sometimes alone with them, and eventually was living with them, I most certainly set rules and disciplined them (though I would never use physical punishment).  I also imposed boundaries where BM was concerned; I didn't want constant communication and I didn't want them doing things together.  It was my hill to die on.  Fortunately, my SO had already been separated from BM for a year and was ready and willing to set the boundaries I wanted.  I doubt it would have been easy right after they'd separated.  Their divorce was also only days away when I met him, so we never had problems on that front.  It may be that your partner rushed into your relationship before he's really ready, and you're going to have continued problems with boundaries and the BM.  If that's the case, you might want to at least pump the brakes on the relationship until the dust settles.

tog redux's picture

I'm with her on the discipline, I don't think it's a stepmother's place to discipline - BUT, with a three year old, you might have to put her in time out on occasion if you are alone with her, since waiting until he gets home will be ineffective (much as you would have to if you were babysitting a friend's 3-year-old.)

Yes, all the pictures and memories are way over the top.

I dated DH when he was separated, so I'm not in the club that thinks it's wrong, except you said he was RECENTLY separated, which is a red flag for me.  Also, I went through DH's divorce with him and 0/10, would not recommend.

I know you won't hear any of this because you are in love, but I don't think he's ready for a new "partner" - dating, maybe, but a whole new partnership and family dynamic, not yet.  Why are you guys moving so fast?  Give everyone (especially the 3 yo) time to adjust.

Monkeysee's picture

How recently did your BF separate from his ex? It can take time for a couple to detangle themselves from how they behaved when they were together. If it’s a recent breakup, they still haven’t sorted their stuff out yet. 

That doesn’t mean what they’re doing is appropriate, it absolutely isn’t. They don’t need daily pictures, updates, or to know what the kid ate during the day. That’s ridiculous.

And sharing memories? No. If they want to take trips down memory lane then he’s absolutely not ready for a new relationship, that’s a huge red flag.

As for the discipline, I agree she overstepped. It’s up to your BF to determine what he feels is appropriate within his home. BM gets no say, which she will struggle with, but it’s really not her place to decide.

That said, what kind of discipline does she mean? I don’t create any rules for my skids, I leave that up to my DH. But if one of them are out of line & I see it happen, I don’t sit there & wait for DH to do something, I simply tell them to knock it off. 

If DH ever overrules me on something I’ve said to them (rare, but it happens), I back off. They aren’t my kids, and it’s not my place to determine what’s appropriate for them. Luckily we’re on the same page with most parenting values so this hasn’t been an issue for us, but it can be a massive issue if your BF expects you to tolerate behaviour that goes against your personal values.

They need boundaries absolutely, but you’re definitely making things harder for yourself by being a part of their split. At 26 I’d run. Even at my age newly separated would be an automatic no for me. Too much drama, never worth it.

Rags's picture

Sigh..... Here we go again.....

BM is an idiot.  She gets no say in anything that goes in in your relationship and in your home.  She is the X.  She has no place or standing in your half of the blended family equation.

You and your SO are equity life partrners. That also makes you equity parents to any children in your home regardless kid biology.  You parent and discipline as you see fit in partnership with your SO.

BM... gets zero say.  Just as you and your SO get zero say in how she parents.

As for the over the top communication between your SO and his X.... if it looks like a dog, smells like a dog and barks like a dog... its a dog.  Your SO and his X have issues and you need to be careful not to be the sacrificial lamb on the alter of their unrequited connection.   They had a child together but they are no longer a couple.  They need to stop the hallucination of the mommy and daddy connection that they seem to be incapable of recognizing.  They are bothing making this kid their life rather than recognizing that a kid is not likely to reach viable adulthood if parents insist on a kid centric life rather than modelling healthy and realistic relationships.

Take care of you.