Resentful wife/step-mom, thoughts needed
Apologies in advance for the long post and the cussing, and there is some venting going on.
I feel like I am at my wits end and need some advice from other step-parents who have experienced similar situations. Little background, my husband and I have been together for 4.5 years, married for just over 2. We moved in together after being together for a year, he has a 12 year old daughter and 10 year old son, and I have a 14 year old daughter and 11 year old son.
The problem is my step-daughter, she is entilted, rude, manipulative, and down right fucking cruel. She suffers from miniwife syndrome and will do anything and everything in her power to get her way and create a wedge between my husband and I. Things were fine the first year we were together, I can only assume it is becasue we didn't live together. As soon as we moved in together shit started getting crazy. SD is extremely jealous of me and my kids, she calls my son names like fat and gay, she has told my mother in-law that my daughter leaves dirty menstrual pads all over the place...which is absolutely not true I am the one here full time and do all the cleaning and would notice...plus that is disgusting and it is my job as her mom to teach her better than that. She's got caught stealing from myself and my daughter and whenever she gets caught doing something she's not supposed to do she goes whinning and crying to her dad, and even fakes injuries for attention. Since I've been with her dad she's "broken" her foot, ankle twice, elbow, knee cap, finger, and 3 toes. The thing about that is, she's on my fucking insurance and her mom and her dad run her to the ER for x-rays that have shown every single time NOTHING IS FUCKING WRONG. It doesn't matter to SD, DH, or BM because the ER bill is taken from my HRA.
My kids' father is not in their lives, and hasn't been since my son was 4 months old. After we got married my husband mentioned he wanted to adopt my kids and they could call him dad if they wanted. My kids were so excited and started calling him dad, well you better believe that did not sit well with SD, she made a Tik-Tok video going off on my kids for how "that is my dad, not yours. You don't belong in our family..." my kids were devastated and have never called my husband dad since and the adoption is no longer on the table. There has been other times when SD has made Tik Tok videos about my kids, when my daughter turned 12 I bought her a skateboard for her birthday...her fucking birthday...and SD made a video about how spoiled she is how she gets whatever she wants and how she was the one who wanted a skateboard but of course "you got what I asked for."
She recently started a rumor with the school, her mom, and her dad that I am so horrible that I won't let her eat. Like what in the actual fuck? Never have I ever not fed her or not let her eat. Come to find out she had gotten in trouble for not following the rules, and her out was constructing a lie to shift the situation onto someone else. She has come to me complaining about how horrible her mom is, how she never buys her anything, she had no pants that fit her, no bras, and no shoes. I fell straight into that trap the first couple times and took her shopping, she took every thing I bought her to her moms house and came back the very next week and told her dad she didn't have any clothes. I still to this day have no clue what happened to anything I bought her.
She told my husband and I we were controlling and mean because she had 1 weekly chore and we needed to know where she was going when she left. I feel like I am the live in babysitter, I work from home and it has always been the expectation that I watch my husbands' kids. He works the weekends, so every other weekend I am on babysitter duty. Since SD thinks she can do whatever she wants she just leaves the house whenever she wants, doesn't tell me where she's going and when I tell her she needs to come home she says she's got plans and is busy with her friends she'll be home later. I told my husband this behavior was absolutely unacceptable, if I am supposed to be responsible for her, I NEED to know where she is. Well a few weekends ago she failed to tell us where she was, failed to come home, so my husband told her "be home by two" she texts me at exactly 2 "Come get me I broke my foot and can't make it home. I have my bike btw so bring the big car" No please, no hey is that ok if, just barking orders. I had no fucking clue where she was because she doesn't think she needs to tell me. After finally getting the address, I show up get her and her bike from some random neighborhood miles from our house, look at her perfectly fine foot and take her home. The next day is Sunday and she tells her dad "but daddddddyyyyy I can't do my chore, my foot is broken." So, she gets out of doing her chore but my husband still gives her an allowance, and we get a call later that evening from BM from the fucking ER about how horrible of people we are for neglecting her and not taking her to the doctor for her foot. Not only is her foot not broken, it isn't even twisted, swollen, or bruised.
I have told my husband I am disengaging and I am not his live in nanny or babysitter multiple times, he turns it around on me and tells me how I am being selfish. Why in the fuck should I be spending my days while working from home (I home schooled all of the kids while working from home during COVID because "BM and I have to work"), evenings and fmy weekends babysitting his kids when SD has zero respect for our rules, my kids, or myself? I tell him how my boundaries have been ignored, and I deserve to spend peaceful time with my kids in my own home. So, he will take his kids to his mom's house for 1 weekend while he is at work, then lays on the guilt trip about how inconveinent it is and how far out of his way it is, and they're right back in my house the next weekend they're with us.
I could go on and on, story after story, but the real problem here is my husband. His guilty parenting, his lack of any sort of co-parenting with BM, and his unwillingness to see what is going on is the real problem. He lets SD get away with anything and everything, and says it is because BM is so horrible he feels bad for SD. I get it, BM is terrible, verbally abusive and drinks and drives with the kids in the car, but his son experiences the same thing at BMs and he doesn't act like that.
I am a parent, I get that kids are humans and they fuck up, and they should be allowed to fuck up so long as they learn from it, don't make it a habit, and bet your sweet ass you're going to have consequences. I can take kids BS with a grain of salt. I have more patience when it comes to that and to kids than most mothers would, I do not have patience for the shit to happen over and over and no consequences are set with my SD. The 3 other kids in the house follow the rules and face consequences when they don't, why does SD think she's in charge and can do whatever she wants. My husband has told me before "don't make me choose between you two, because you won't be the one winning." First of all, I've never asked him to choose, nor have I ever thought of it as a competition. My relationship with my husband is VERY different than his relationship with SD I will never take her place with him and vise versa, at least that is how I see it.
I've wanted nothing more than to integrate our blended family into a healthy, supportive, inviting family. I am sick and fucking tired of trying to prove my sincerity to my husband, he even said one time that he questioned if I was coming from a place of love. I am sick and fucking tired of feeling taken for granted and taken advantage of. I am sick and fucking tired of feeling like a stranger in my own home, and I am sick and fucking tired of seeing my kids get hurt over SD's behavior. As you can see I am extremely resentful at the moment, and feel my resentfulness is poisioning my happiness.
So, what I am wanting to ask for anyone that has gone through this. Does it/will it ever get any better? My husband says he loves me and wants to be with me forever, he says he sees his daughter needs consistent discipline but then enables her anyway. But if that were true, why would it continue for so many years? Do these situations get better, or just keep getting worse? I want to feel like a united front and feel supported as a wife/step-mom, I don't want to feel like I am constantly competing for my spot as wife/adult. Is there anything I can do differently to improve things? Do I run and never look back? Any advice from anyone who has gone through something simliar would be much appreciated.