New Lesbian StepMom: I hate how much the ExH calls/comes over!
I am new to the board and new to being a step-mom. I’m a lesbian who recently married my wonderful partner in California after two years of being together. Her kids, my Skids, are 10 and 13 and we have a very good relationship. They are happy about the marriage. The kids aren’t the problem. My partner’s ex-husband is a left-leaning guy and swears that he likes me and appreciates how much the kids like me. They have a 50-50 custody arrangement, and because she makes more money than he does, she pays child support.
They also work together in a 20-person office, a think-tank for consumer advocacy, both have Ph.D.s, but she’s always been the harder worker who has gotten promoted time after time while he’s happy to stay at the “junior” level where he works less and makes less. Neither is required to “go to work” to do work and he’s always just hanging out during the day, or so it seems to me (she works hard). I’m a doctor and make three times what my partner makes, but I do have a demanding schedule. I’ve never had kids, so the “family” world is new to me – my past relationships (I’m 43) were all “two adults”.
I know that I’m very lucky that the kids enjoy me, and that Ethan (BD) is pleasant to me and hasn’t made a stink about our lesbian household, didn’t try to get sole custody (although he did initially try to get a piece of my income in child support before his lawyer told him he couldn’t). I have trouble respecting him because at age 45 his mother pays half his mortgage so he can keep his “standard of living” (I try NOT to be sexist to think it’s wrong that with the same degrees and in the same job he should simply work more/harder to get the promotions, doesn't even apply for them, instead of taking Jan’s CS check – I was raised in Georgia where men didn’t want to “live off” women – ex-wives, wives, mothers).
Long story, sorry, but I wanted to provide the context for my complaint. HE CALLS AT LEAST THREE TIMES A DAY regardless WHICH of us has the kids and always comes into the house when there’s a kid hand-off. Because the kids don’t want to carry keys, both parents have keys to the other’s houses. Once he “dropped by” (the daughter was with him) when I was home alone and he came upstairs where I’d just gotten out of the shower. Gratefully I didn’t run into him naked but if I think I’m home alone for the day (in my past life I would’ve sashayed from the shower to my room) and the kids are scheduled to be with him, I’d like to think HE won’t be roaming the house! He didn’t call the house or my cell phone first (he often calls my cell if he can’t get Jan right away so it’s not like that would be awkward for him.)
Jan and Ethan both take “co-parenting” very seriously, not just him. I know that she calls him too to discuss kid issues/talk about school events/who-takes-who-to-dentist/camp. But it’s driving me batty that I have to see his name appear on the caller ID so often – and it’s not just kid-related things. He’s still angry that she left him and vents on her regularly in his passive-aggressive way (he claims it’s easier in a way that she left him because she came to terms with her sexuality, didn’t leave him for a man – although he had 3 affairs during their marriage and she didn’t). And I know way too much about him: his diabetes, his depression, his lactose intolerance. He loves to talk about himself, thinks nothing of sitting down to watch TV with us or have a cup of tea during a drop-ff. At the same time, he gets intensely PRIVATE about his relationship with his girlfriend and keeps us in the dark about what his intentions are about their living arrangements or what might be in store for the kids while he’s at his house. It seems to me that he holds all the cards on what is discussed and when it’s discussed.
I’ve talked to Jan about my frustrations, and she did tell him NOT to enter our home with the kids without a courtesy call to make sure it’s okay with me, but she thinks that the more communication the better. I know she has some guilt that she hurt him and that she’s very devoted to having the kids see us as a “team” of parents. I’m all for the kids feeling that we all get along fabulously but I want MY family and Ethan isn’t part of it. Jan struggles with this. I think in her sense of a perfect world, we’d all be able to have dinner regularly (I don’t mind kid birthdays or certain holidays) and in a sense be ONE family with two halves. That’s too much for me. He’s whiny and intrusive, and despite being Mr. Liberal, I don’t appreciate his “take-take-take” values. When he wants privacy, he demands it in no uncertain terms, but when his girlfriend is away, I’m pretty sure he’d sleep in a “kid” bedroom if we let him!
Am I being too difficult and petty? How do you balance good co-parenting with having privacy? Am I wrong to want OUR family to be separate from HIM/HIS FAMILY?
I don't think you are wrong
I would have a serious problem if my DH's ex wondered into our house at all. Actually I would have a problem with BM having a key to my home, that would not make me sleep well at night.
I think it's wonderful that your DW and her ex can work together with the children however, he seems a bit too clingy. I would try to establish some boundries and let your DW know where YOUR lines in the sand are, she should be responsible to relay that information onto him and he should respect those boundries, especially in your home. Hope this helps.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
no no no no no NO!
co-parenting is one thing...that means being able to discuss and jointly make decisions regarding the children. that does NOT mean calling about things other than the kids, showing up unannounced, having a key to your home (are u kidding me???)and inviting himself in during drop-offs. this is a complete disregard for your privacy and DWs new life. and its a complete lack of respect.
like evilsm said, u need to talk to DW about ur issues and set soem boundaries. remind her that whats going on here is more than co-parenting, its almost co-habitation, and u cant live like that.
welcome!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
No.
You are not being difficult and petty.
You are also having the same feelings a lot of us have when it comes to the financial status of an ex that has what I call the "leech mentality".
He doesn't have to live up to any sort of standard because your wife will always be there to make up the difference. It's one aspect that you are going to have to accept and basically get over. Because he is never going to change and unfortunately, because of the way child support works...he never has to. My husband's ex-wife is the same as your wife's ex-husband and I decided a long time ago to stop holding her to an unattainable standard. So in the same moment, I stopped being pissed off about it as well. Otherwise, I'd be walking around pissed off.
My advice. Boundaries, my friend. I think it's great that your wife and ex-husband have an amicable relationship. As you stated, your life could be much worse if they did not. I would sit down with your wife and try to compromise a little bit. For example, you don't like him coming in your home. Jan should not confront him with you as the culprit of the discomfort. She should simply tell him that it's really not appropriate and that the BOTH of you would be more comfortable if he just pick the kids up and head home. Also, encourage your wife to let the answering machine pickup and have her encourage him to leave DETAILED messages if he really needs something. Consistent phone calls tend to taper off when they aren't picked up constantly.
Anyways, I think your feelings are valid. I also think that some of your requests are legitimate and would think that if you were willing to compromise some of your resentment towards a person that is not going away anytime soon, your wife could help limit some of his constant presence.
And Congratulations on your marriage! I am ecstatic for you.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
You need and deserve some serious boundaries!
That they can co-parent their children so harmoniously is fabulous. I'm all for it. But you can co-parent quite effectively without exchanging house keys. While his children reside with you 50% of the time, HE DOES NOT. You can do a couple of things. Get a security system and arm it or have your locks changed. If he cannot ring the bell and wait to be invited in like a normal person, with or without kids in tow, then he doesn't need to have a key. He's abusing that privilege. Having the kids with him does not give him the right to enter your home unannounced. He may be your partner's ex and your stepchildren's father, but he's nothing to you.
As for the rest, there's a reason people divorce and it's usually because they cannot be together anymore. Why divorce him if he's going to be involved in every single family moment?! Some things can be shared and it's great when divorced parents and stepparents CAN share their children, but divorcing means doing most of those things separately. It sounds like you don't feel like there's enough separation. You are not alone. There are so many stepparents on this site complaining about the same thing... their spouse won't stand up to the ex and draw firm boundaries, and as a result, the relationship suffers.
He is not your problem. He's just the symptom. Your partner is your problem. You have to put the marriage first and then everything else will fall into place. Boundaries are so necessary. They don't just exclude, they protect. They provide security and stability.
Welcome!
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ANNE 8102 ♥ GEORGIA
THANK YOU THREE!
I think sometimes that being SO new to having kids that I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. I know too that she really misses them when they're with the Ex, and I encourage her to call them/them to call her morning, noon and night. And she likes hearing what happened during their days - I just don't know why he has to relay his spin on that info after the kids get off the phone, or calling him calling her without the kids. I never liked the house-key thing but how does everyone else handle that (the 10 year old isn't likely to want to carry one for a while and it seems rare that one of them doesn't forget SOMETHING with each switch)? Since I'm ranting (which feels great, by the way!), how did you deal with the left-over "family" plans - from cell phones and gym memberships on down the line. I told Jan I'd prefer to foot the bill myself rather than have his name on things, but their divorce agreement came about before me, and there was a practical side to her paying the gym membership while he kept the kids on his health insurance. Do I need to just get over myself and buy a "single" gym membership (I refuse to try to sneak in on "theirs")? My idea was to simply foot the bill on a new family plan because it's not the money that bothers me, just the cumulative effect of all this interconnectedness. Maybe I'm old-fashioned (some of you may laugh, given my lesbian status) but I think this stuff bleeds into our marriage which, in my mind, should start off on the right foot. Sorry for all the minutia.
Old fashioned?!
You guys sound like any other newly-married couple to me.
Gender doesn't matter and neither does sexual orientation, you're a couple with kids/skids and an ex. Same as the rest of us. Vent away, it helps tons. These girls give such good advice and I don't think it matters that you guys are mom and stepmom, rather than dad and stepmom. It's the same situation the rest of us are living in.
It's hard not to have an emotional reaction to something like a gym membership, because it's just one of the many things that lump you together as a family. Just like putting everyone's name on a Christmas card (you'll be having that fight in a few months) or a Blockbuster account... it's these little things that make you a "normal" family and who wouldn't want that? That's natural and that's why it's understandable that something like a gym membership would strike an emotional chord. Things are always going to pop up and remind you of what came before. That's something we just can't escape. We have to follow whatever's in the court order, but that's where it stops. If you want to get a single gym membership, get a single. If you want to get a family, get a family. If you want to buy me one, I'll send you my addy.
I think with the extra family membership you're buying a little bit of security and there's nothing wrong with that. If it makes you feel better, do it. But I'll bet that as time goes on, you'll stop seeing that gym membership as anything other than what it is, just a gym membership, and it'll become for YOU the practical issue that it is for THEM.
Here's some more practical thinking for you. If it wasn't important enough for them to remember, then they can do without it. You can't teach children responsibility by rescuing them with return trips back and forth to pick up forgotten items. Unless one of them totes around an oxygen tank and leaves it by mistake, I doubt that whatever item they forgot will cause a life-or-death issue if they don't come back to retrieve it. The closest we have ever lived to my skids was a 4.5 hour drive. Do you think we ran them back to their other house to pick up a forgotten item? Nope! They live without it until they learn to remember it. This sounds like a good way to teach your stepchildren about being considerate of others and being responsible for their belongings. See? What a wonderful, caring, involved and insightful stepparent you are for wanting to teach your stepchildren this important lesson!
Lingering family plans. Stuff that can be cancelled or switched over now without a lot of hassle should be done lickety-split. When I split from my first husband and my DH split from his ex-wife, everything was changed immediately. The only thing that lingered was stuff that was court-ordered. Cell phone plans have hefty cancellation charges, but one person can probably keep it and the other person can get their own plan. Or if you don't mind paying the fee, cancel it and get a new one. It's totally natural to be thinking about this stuff when you're newly married. The first thing I wanted to do was get a new driver's license and social security card with my new name. Do what feels right. It's natural to want to establish yourself as a family unit. And it's beyond natural to not want to include the ex in the family unit.
Here's a tip for dealing with the past. What helps me is to look at my hubby and really think about the man he is today and how he got to be that man. His previous marriage, his PITA ex-wife, his kids, his whole life before me is what made him the man he was on the day I married him. It's part of what makes him who he is today. I joke around about how we each had a "trial" marriage before doing it for real with each other. Your partner's history is part of who she is today, so whatever she experienced in the past helped shaped her into the person you fell in love with.
Here's a tip for dealing with the present and future. Your partner will never have any chance of meeting your expectations if you don't let her know what they are. You have to find a way to tell her that you want to establish yourselves as a family in your own right, and that means without her ex-husband being so intrusive. Every new marriage experiences growing pains and you'll figure out what works best for the two of you and your family, but the number one thing you have to do is say what you mean, mean what you say and keep the communication clear and ongoing.
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ANNE 8102 ♥ GEORGIA
Change the locks
He does not need a key to your house . . . the kids need to learn responsibility sometime, so can carry their own, or only come there when one of you is there. It is good that you all get along but to me it sounds like he feels he can burst in because you are two women there . . . if J. was married to a man I doubt he would just bust in like that! A little more formality is in order, to me! Congratulations on your new happy life together!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
This is SO helpful!
Thanks to everyone - and for the nice welcome. It's really a relief to feel a lot of people have gone through the same stuff. I'll smile tonight as we go swimming at the gym!
Definitely change the locks!
While open communication is always a healthy aspect in any adult relationship, ex's having ownership of each other's keys could ALWAYS lead to disastrous consequences! There is just no justification for it. And you and your DW need both your privacy and security. I agree with the other posters- boundaries definitely need to be set here!
Besides, why would the kids need keys in a 'handoff' situation? Wouldn't you or your DW be home during this important transition time?
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
NO WAY JOSE'
I am with everyone NO WAY should the ex be allowed to enter YOUR home without your permission, explain to your DW how you feel and then CHANGE the locks.
if the kids forget a key then have a house they can stay at till you get home, I would say leave a spare somewhere but the ex could find that too.
we had a garage door with an entry pad that the boys would use instead of a key, there was a door that lead inside that was locked but we kept the key in a secure place (hidden)
there are ways around this that dont need to include an ex allowed to wander around in your home.
WELCOME - it is always good to get new blood!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
curb
She needs to kick him to the curb. She is married to someone else now and that must be the priority. Change the locks and get your own membership if you want one. Sometimes you have to let it go, but other things like the locks you need to take a stand. Choose your battles wisely because somethings are important and other are not.
I bet he feels "comfortable"
with your relationship b/c your are not a man. He doesn't feel the "threat". My guess is that if she had married a man that he would NOT be acting this way...
Is this string still active?
Is this string still active?
It can be as I'm still around
It can be as I'm still around and things haven't fully resolved for me!!!
Ya, him wandering around your
Ya, him wandering around your house is just too much. You have a right to privacy in your own home! Not only that, but if the Skids’ mom isn’t there, he shouldn’t be, either. If he wants to drop the kids off, drop them off; if he wants them with him, they can be with him elsewhere. I get wanting open communication and the convenience of access to each other’s homes, but this sounds ridiculous. There are some serious boundary issues here.
Take him being a liberal
Take him being a liberal COMPLETELY out of the situation... Either side has good and bad, so that really isn't helping anything, or hurting anything... You need to get down to the facts.
Virtually all of these things can be solved by your partner setting reasonable boundaries. YOU should be able to have expectations as well. It's definitley not appropriate for him to be able to enter your house and roam because he has a key. Since he's abusing that privlege, I think it's time to change the locks and "forget" to give him a key (for good). He shouldn't be calling super regularaly. In fact, in most step-situations, even ones where the parents are super good at co-parenting, unless it's an emergency, it's best for them to not communicate so much. Super simple question. Who's your wife's spouse? Because it's you, yet she's giving him completley free reign at everything like you would for a spouse. I know a large chunk of us don't even feel comfortable with the ex COMING to the house, let alone wandering it with free-reign. Mine is anything but civil and his ex is banned from the house for refusing to keep reasonable boundaries (also I don't want drugs being hid anywhere, I'm a suspicious one).
Unless it's an emergency, any communication regarding the skids should be fairly easy to accomplish at drop-off. Something along the lines of "oh, btw, little Johnny has had a cough, so if you could help keep an eye on it, that would be great." The reality of the matter is, you're not one family with the ex, the skids are just part of tw families, and it's WAY easier on them as well if it's treated that way!!! Kids can totally accept being part of two families and feeling love at both locations! That's easier for them to handle, vs. they broke up yet still are acting like they have the boundaries of a married couple... As a bonus, that's also easier on you! So that boundary should be in place!
Any non-skid phone calls should be simply met with a change of topic back to the skids or a blunt "Our ocmmunication is only in regards to co-parenting, and while I'm trying hard on that, I'm married and it's not appropriate for you to be calling for other reasons."
Also tell your wife she's tough. He cheated on her three times and she didn't beat him silly or completely snap. So she has ZERO to feel guilty about. She at least had the guts to leave when she knew she didn't want to be there. That speaks volumes. If anyone should feel guilty. It's the coward who brought other people home during the marriage.