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I talked to my girlfriend about her sons behavior and..

OnTheFence92's picture

My last post I vented on how my girlfriend has a son (4 years old) with a bad behavioral issue. Read more about it here to get more details to understand this post here: https://www.steptalk.org/forum/general-discussion/never-dated-anyone-kid...

So we talked about it. We were talking about kids in the future and once again I told her that I will not have a kid with her unless she get her son in order with his behavior and his ways. Surprisingly she asked me for some advice. I expressed to her that although she yells at him at time, that’s all she really does, and that’s not enough. There are times when she repeatedly yells at him about something and he will dead look her in her eyes while continuing to do what she told him not to do. Obviously he’s taking you for a joke. All bark, no bite. I told her that she can’t discipline him one day and slack 20 days thereafter, if you’re not consistent it’s not going to stick and it’s only going to get worse. I told her as nicely as I could and I told her that he’s different from most kids I met and he’s not the most pleasant to be around (I didn’t say that last part, but I wanted to lol) it’s going to take me time adjust to him like it’s going to get time for him to adjust to me. She said that she was going to work on it and put a stop to him screaming and pushing us apart every time we kiss or get close. She understands that’s not okay. 

What are some ways she can get his behavior in order? Any advice? I’m willing to give it a try before I come to the conclusion to walk away. 

Sotired345's picture

If you have it in your head that you’re going to walk away then why bother. The kids behavior is not going to change overnight I’ve been with my husband for six years and my stepdaughter has gotten worse over the years. As much is this sort of life sucks. And I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone so I don’t blame you at all for wanting to walk away but if you’re not going to make the commitment and she knows that I wouldn’t be working so hard to keep you if you had 1 foot out the door. My son has problems as well he’s autistic And I knew that my boyfriend was thinking about leaving me for it I would try to make things better but I might not put as much effort in knowing he’d probably leave anyway

OnTheFence92's picture

You’re right. She’s an amazing person and I feel like she’s worth giving it a genuine try. Her being who she is as a person is the only reason why I’m willing to stick around. She’s barely around my kids because they’re with my mom (until I get my place) I always go to my moms to spend time with my kids or we’ll take all of our kids out together. And my kids are well behaved compared to hers and she comments on that. And also, I never actually told her that I was thinking about leaving her because of her son. She doesn’t know that. But she took it into consideration on working to become a better parent. He’s definitely spoiled rotten on top of having behavioral issues. I know it’s not going to change overnight. I just hope she sticks to her word and he grows out of it... 

tog redux's picture

It's worth it to give her a chance to improve her parenting - but I always wonder about it when people say their BF/GF is an "amazing person", but yet they are such terrible parents that splitting up is on the horizon.  If she were an "amazing person", wouldn't she care about her son's behavior and her responsibility to manage that?

I think that down the line, she won't seem so amazing anymore.

oatsnhoney's picture

Read books about positive parenting. There’s no need to yell. Kids are learning, so if he’s not doing something proper it’s becauae he hasn’t been taught or developmentally he can’t learn that yet.

 

 

Lndsy747's picture

If you want things to work out long term I'd say step back and see if she changes on her own now that you've given her advice. There are a lot of step parents on here that tried to step in and only get made into the bad guy because the bio parent caves in all the time.

OnTheFence92's picture

That’s exactly what I’m doing. But tonight I feel like she kind of failed. It’s 1:26 in the morning and I’m up because her son wanted to wake up and climb in the bed with us whining non stop. She’s telling him repeatedly to get back in his bed and he’s whining saying “no” and then would ask questions in a normal voice trying to distract her from what she’s telling him to do. And the thing is, she’s answering his questions, lol like wtf? She continues to tell him to get into his own bed and he’s still whining and crying in the most annoying voice ever. She so gives in and turns of the TV for him while we’re all three in the room. I had to walk out before I snap. Smh

Lndsy747's picture

My friend does that with her young daughters and it drives me nuts! I call her out occasionally and tell her they're just manipulating her but she's too much of a pushover to be consistent. 

Maybe at first offer suggestions then as long as she's open to the advice. Just be careful that you don't end up being the bad guy in her eyes out the kids.

fairyo's picture

You did right to walk out- I would just do this everytime she yells at her child, she could just have taken him back to his bed, stayed with him a while and then come back to you. She is choosing to have these altercations with her child and probably has lots of issues underneath. Maybe she could do with some counselling.

Meanwhile, withdraw yourself to your own safe space and keep doing this until one day you walk away and don't go back...

OnTheFence92's picture

You’re right I should just continue to walk out so she can get the hint. When I walked out, I went downstairs and slept on the couch. She texted me and asked me where I was and I told her that I was laying on the couch. She asked me “why because of the tv?” And I said “Yeah. Honestly couldn't take the crying and I wouldn't been able to fall back asleep. I'm okay though.” Which in all honesty I wasn’t okay. She never responded. I’m sure she felt some type of way. She definitely needs counseling. She claims that one day when he was 8 months old her and her ex-wife broke up and she wasn’t able to see him and days and had an attack and cried for her. She said every since then he’s been that way. I find it sooo hard to believe an 8 month old baby will remember anything. She just makes excuses. I applaud her for saying that she’s do better with her parenting, but I honestly don’t feel like it’ll last. I don’t want to keep scolding her and I don’t want to scold her for failing this morning, because then that’ll cause issues with us and she’ll start to think I dislike her son. Which I honestly kinda do, sad to say

Harry's picture

First try, first failer.  She does not want to put the effort into changing her son.  First time is the hardest, should put him into his bed and told him to go to sleep or else. 

OnTheFence92's picture

You’re right I should just continue to walk out so she can get the hint. When I walked out, I went downstairs and slept on the couch. She texted me and asked me where I was and I told her that I was laying on the couch. She asked me “why because of the tv?” And I said “Yeah. Honestly couldn't take the crying and I wouldn't been able to fall back asleep. I'm okay though.” Which in all honesty I wasn’t okay. She never responded. I’m sure she felt some type of way. She definitely needs counseling. She claims that one day when he was 8 months old her and her ex-wife broke up and she wasn’t able to see him and days and had an attack and cried for her. She said every since then he’s been that way. I find it sooo hard to believe an 8 month old baby will remember anything. She just makes excuses. I applaud her for saying that she’s do better with her parenting, but I honestly don’t feel like her effort will last. I don’t want to keep scolding her and I don’t want to scold her for failing this morning, because then that’ll cause issues with us and she’ll start to think I dislike her son. Which I honestly kinda do, sad to say

fairyo's picture

She sends you a text when you are in the same house? She didn't even come looking? Also she can't be bothered to put her child back in his bed? She sounds terminally lazy... and you should have been more honest. You should have said that it was nothing to do with the tv but everything to do with sharing your bed with a child that has  his own bed. You should have said you weren't ok. Be clear. Be unambiguous. Tell her you don't like her son, which seems harsh, but true.  Stop lying.

OnTheFence92's picture

Yes she did. Because she knew that if she would come looking for me by leaving the room he’d throw a fit. This morning she told me that she barely got any sleep because he kept waking her up. And neither did I, because the couch wasn’t comfortable. Then apologized for him waking me up and that was it. The TV played a part, but the blame is really on her and how she handled the situation. 

I wish I could be more assertive without sugar coating it. I’m sure if I did, she would get offended and be like “well if you can’t accept my child then you can’t be with me” type of responses. I’m sure it wouldn’t of ended well.

fairyo's picture

She's frightened of the reactions of a four year old? She's using him as an excuse not to grow up herself. I'm sorry that you don't like to offend her, but she doesn't seem to care much about you. And your 'sugar coating' is also stopping her from growing up. I don't think this will end well...