New here...need advise desperately!
Thank goodness I found this site! I will make this as short as possible. DH and I married for 8 years. He has 12 year old BS and we have two DD together. My SS is a wonderful boy. I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. My DDs love him too. My problem is with my husband. He is obsessed with the sport my SS is involved in. SS is highly athletic, plays travel sports that requires a huge commitment. DH and BM make all the decisions about what sports SS is in...I have no say in these major commitments (think 70+ baseball games between April and July). My husband insists on coaching both travel sports my SS plays. He refuses to adjust his schedule to accommodate to the other things we have going on in our life. The thought of missing a game is like the end of the world to my husband. Whenever I try to bring up my discontent with these huge time commitments, he turns it all into "why don't you like me spending time with my son?" So I either hold it all in and then have a full rage moment occassionally. Or I tell him how I feel and get accused of hating the time he spends with his son. I really have no interest in traveling to these 70+ games, nor do I think it's fair that my DDs get schlepped from ballpark to ballpark during their down time. So I have completely disengaged from baseball. I remain very active with football (1 game per week, very reasonable time commitment). Husband says he doesn't care if I come to games or not, but then 2 days later he'll make a comment like "well, you haven't been to any games this year." It has gotten to the point where the sight of my husband enrages me. Every time I hear him on the phone talking to the other coaches, I become angry. The thought of baseball literally enrages me. I LOVE my ss. I love that he is involved. However, I feel like myself and my DDs have to pay the price so that he can do these things. Husband and BM make all the decisions and then my husband just expects me to accept it. I am ready to walk out of this marriage. We've been having the same fights/discussions over this for years and nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like I'm at the point where I either just accept it and tow the line...or I leave. Because fair negotiations in my husband's eyes = me giving in to everything...and I'm sick of it. Am I crazy? Selfish? Unreasonable? Is there anything I can do to help this situation? I don't want to end my marriage over something as trivial as baseball...but I feel like I am the low priority in my husband's life, and my DDs as well. Will this ever change? Thank you in advance for any input you may have.
Sounds like the coaching has
Sounds like the coaching has become the lightning rod issue in your relationship with DH. It would be good if he could really hear your concerns and take your needs into account, or at least understand that you and your DDs don't share this same passion. You sound like you are considering leaving your marriage because of this. Does he know that? Have you tried marriage counseling?
And this isn't trivial, and it's not about baseball. It's about mutual decisionmaking and functioning as partners, which he doesn't seem to get.
Exactly, YOU are busy and YOU
Exactly, YOU are busy and YOU have other plans...just don't get into it. Show up unannounced at a couple of those games all smiles and good vibes. And he'll be all :?
You have to have something TO fight in order to fight.
I can see you being upset
I can see you being upset about the major time committment to SS sporting event. However, are you more upset about DH coaching and the time he devotes to it, or are you more upset about BM's involvement and the fact that it is pretty much a "family" thing for DH, BM and SS?
I completely understand! My
I completely understand! My SD plays years round soccer (on a travel team) she has 2 games and at least 1 practice a week. One of her games is either on a saturday or Sunday every week! I can never make family plans or visit my parents because my DH never wants to miss a game. If I try to make plans with him, or ask him to miss a game, he gets extremely defensive with me. I feel like my BD and family get pushed aside for my SD's games. I love her and go to as many as I can, but with a 3 year old daughter, I can't always make it. If I don't he tries to lay a guilt trip on me. Once I said "you know, the world doesn't stop turning because your daughter has a game" We had a major fight that time! I feel like my DH is So overly accommodating to his children to be the "good" parent. His ex misses games and events frequently either for work or her boyfriend, and he always wants them to know he's there. I get it, but sheesh!
I finally stopped fighting and took care of me. I always (mostly) go to the weekend game, and if the one on a weeknight is home and the weather is permitting I go. If not, or my daughter seems tired, I don't go. On a weekend I make plans I need to make. If I go to visit my parents I say "I'm going and you really Should be there..." If he doesn't go, then fine, his loss,
I know its hard, but fighting won't change the person he is and it will only drive you crazy. You do what you need to do to take care of your daughters and don't let the guilt get to you (easier said than done, I know!) You know you've done your best, and that's all you can do!
Wow...what a thrill to
Wow...what a thrill to finally get to log back on and hear so much great advice. I can't tell you what it means to have other people understand how I feel. DH has done such a great job of making me feel NUTS for getting upset about some of this stuff. I was really starting to question myself..."am I really upset b/c it's SS and not one my BKs." What a terrible feeling to think you might be a terrible person after all. I try very hard to keep my girls busy. They have their own extra-curriculars that keep us pretty busy (gymnastics, children's theater and girl scouts). However, the time they spend on these things are reasonable...one hour at a pop. As an example, DH drove almost 2 hours to get to baseball games this weekend. 3 games on Saturday = being gone from 6am until 4pm. He failed to make it home in time for my hair cut so I took the kids with me. He did make it home for DDs play that night at 8pm though. Sunday = 3 games, gone from 6am until 5pm. So, our weekend was pretty much shot..at least with him anyway. I really thought hard about each of your responses. Eyes Wide Open...you are partially right. But not so much that it's a "family" thing for BM, SS and DH (honestly, BM and DH barely look at each other, let alone speak). But I do feel awkward at these events. People are fairly nice, say hello (sometimes) but no one ever sits with me (I always end up sitting alone), nor do they include me in any of the "team mom" stuff they do. So after years of attending these games and crying all the way home, I just gave up. I figured life is too short to spend it with people who don't bother trying to get to know me. I think the thing that bothers/worries me the most is that my husband always says "you wouldn't feel this way if it was one of the girls doing something." I think he's right though. If it were my DD gymnastics event, would I fathom missing it? No way. Would I fault him for coaching her and spending loads of time with her? I don't think so. So is he right...am I a hypocrite? Thanks again for your wonderful words of wisdom. I lost my mom a few months ago and she was the only person I really ever could talk openly with about this stuff. I felt so alone and helpless and now I don't. THANK YOU!