New here with 2 stepkids
Hello all, I am new here and I have 2 stepkids aged 12 and 9. Sounds almost like an AA meeting. I have 3 kids of my own 21, 18 and 14. My kids have always been pretty passive and quiet kids. They are definitely NOT angels that's for sure. My stepkids are on a whole other level. SS isnt a bad kid but he plays on his parents emotions a lot. He is very controlling over his mother and tries to do it with my husband but I wont allow it. He wants to know every aspect of their day, how much money they made and what bills are being paid. It blows my mind that the exwife endulges him. The kid also stills pees the bed. My husband and ex call it accidents. I just say hey you peed the bed? Well, clean it up. (I'm a nurse as well so it's nothing to me). They make it such a big deal that he hides it. That's what pisses me off the most. I know what urine smells like. I dont want it in my house. I have tried time and time again to get them to take him to the doctor but the ex wont do it. We even took him and had a referral for a urologist and she said that he didn't want to go. So she didnt force him. But she is a hypochondriac when it comes to everything else. The 9 yr old SD is just a brat. She doesnt listen, she is overtly sexual, she wants to be 19 yesterday and is very provocative. She does stuff that make you say WTF?? My husband is super emotional and it takes everything in him to discipline the kids. Then he gets mad at me cause I made him be mean. The ex doesnt do much either. Their stepdad is on the same page as me. We do get a chance to chat every so often. My kids try really hard to do things with them and get along with the 12 year old but the 9 yr old is just way too much of a brat. Even my husbands parents cant handle her but then they dont like it when I get on her case. They say it's a double standard. Well, 9 yr olds shouldnt be able to get what they want when they want. Teenagers have a little more say in their choices. The 12 yr old has more privileges than the 9 yr old. The 14 yr old has more than the 12 yr old. They believe it's unfair to the 9 yr old. It's just because they dont want to deal with her themselves. I would love some sympathy, advice, even criticism if yall got it. Thanks for reading my long winded rant..
sympathy
I have a ton of sympathy for you. I have a 16yo SS who still pees the bed. I wish I had good advice for you, but unless DH and BM step up and help the child, it will continue. The only advise I can give you, is do not over-do for DH or the skids, take care of yourself and your marriage before taking care of the skids. It's a difficult thing. In my case, I thought by taking care of the skids I was taking care of my "home"...that's not the case. Learn to let DH handle the issues. When schools call about her attire, redirect them to DH and have him leave work to take her a change of clothes. When you smell her hidden wet bed/clothes, ask DH to go check her room and either he or SD clean it. The more you do all of that for them, the more resentment you will feel towards her and your DH.Believe me, I have only recently learned to let my DH handle all skids related issues (especially if it's something that pisses me off). 9 times out of 10 if it is something that bothers you, once your DH has to handle it for himself, it'll start to bother him as well.
You and SF should leave your
You and SF should leave your respective spouses and ride off into the sunset together as it sounds like you're more on the same page than either of you are with your actual spouses.
Joking aside, there are two routes to take: disengage or enforce the house rules. Both routes will likely upset your spouse, but that isn't your fault. Your spouse's job is to raise his kids to become productive members of society. All because he doesn't want to do that doesn't mean others will put up with the hellians he is raising.
I'm a firm believe in selective disengagement, personally. There are certain things, like bedtime and meals, that I just don't care about anymore. If the kids eat chicken nuggests all weekend or don't go to bed until 2am, it's not my problem.
However, I don't let them rule the roost. If they don't go to bed until 2 and we have to leave at 8, then they can fake being cheery and get their butts motivated to get where we need to go. I'll light their tails up (verbally) and strip them of their belongings if their own choices cause delays. And I light up DH about it, too.
This has (mostly) gotten DH to keep the kids on task when needed. It has also taught him that I won't live with anyone who can't behave appropriately. DH knows that if he doesn't like how I handle it that he can propose his own solution or walk out the door. If anything, me not cowering has opened up communication around skid behavior because it either forces DH to talk to me about problems he sees in my actions or he agrees and uses the tactic himself.
Don't be afraid just because they aren't your kids. They live in your house, and just as you would correct another child for doing something stupid, do on your stepkids. Your DH knows where the door is. If he doesn't like it, then he can let it hit him on the way out.
Newbie
Sorry, but your husband sounds like a child himself. It is a parent's job to discipline their kids. Ss needs medical attention. His dad needs to step up and be responsible. Don't rely on bm. Also, I think kids should earn privileges and they should be based on their age, just like you're doing. Keep your head and if your husband doesn't want to grow up, treat him like the immature little boy he wants to be. Sounds like you're everyone's mommie. Thank God my husband was able to be a strong dad to his kids. I tried to speak my mind and learned very quickly that they didn't want me to be anything like a parent. Husband and I went to counseling to help us. We planned family meetings on a weekly basis with all the kids.That really helped too. Osd (18) left second meeting in anger and moved out soon after...to live with bm. We still do not have a very good relationship with her. She lives 12 hours away, so we don't see her too often. Anyway, you're in a tough spot. Try to find something to fill your soul with love and light every day. In my early marriage I made a lot of phone calls to friends and family. And made sure I took good care of myself..food, clothes, friends, haircuts, time away, etc. Good luck.
Thank you
Thanks everyone. I agree with much of what yall said. I did finally put my foot down with the peeing. I went and bought mens diaper pad inserts and said he is wearing these no matter what. Husband said I agree and ok. He has worn them the past 2 nights no arguments. The SD was a neanderthal at Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. Eating with her hands, chewing with mouth open and wasting huge amounts of food. Husband said it's a holiday just let it be. So, I just said nothing. Luckily, he got tires of it and started getting on her case. I just drank wine and took a nap. The SD later wanted to be fed and husband got mad at me for waking him so he could feed her. I said you need to feed your daughter. He says, but I thought they were all OUR children. I said yes but you can feed your daughter. I'm not doing it right now. Putting my foot down has actually been liberating.