This is my first time with an original post here; I'm really not sure where to begin since it is such a long story. But, here goes.

I married my husband 10 years ago. I have been as kind and patient with his son as I ever hoped anyone would be with me, and all I have ever been given in return is nastiness, scorn, and hostility. Now that SS is 15, it has turned to cold indifference and fake smiles.

He just moved in with us full time in October, completely unexpected with one week notice after his BM got into an altercation with her soon to be ex. She called and asked if we could keep SS while she got on her feet again. DH jumped at the chance to have him move in with us without batting an eye, it was his dream come true. I had a mini breakdown because I knew what we just got dropped on our doorstep. Right then, after a long conversation reminding him that historically, I've spent more visitation time with SS than he has and he has no idea how challenging SS can be, I let my DH know that whatever happens with SS, it is his responsibility to manage. He looked at me like I was being a complete bitch, but he bought off on it.

It was probably the most important stance I've ever taken.

Fast forward to present. SS was committed to a psychiatric hospital three weeks after he arrived here and stayed until insurance said it was time to go. He's in the juvi court system for attacking another kid at school. He's homebound for education because he said he heard voices in his head telling him to kill his teacher (turns out he had a test in that class that day, hmm). He is completely incapable of functioning on his own without prodding, and homework is a nightmare. He has appointments with varying doctors and court things 2-3 times per week.

He came to us on Adderall and Prozac (actually, when he came to us, he did not have his Adderall and was double dosing on two different colors of Prozac), diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and Aspergers. They added Abilify to the mix in the hospital to control his psychosis, saying it was likely he has schizophrenia (disorganized type). Now they believe the psychotic break was Adderall induced, that he does not have ADHD or ODD, and they are weaning him off the Abilify. They have not yet taken Aspergers off the table, and it has been suggested that he has “learned helplessness”. Beyond that, we are not really sure what we are dealing with. He’s scheduled for a neuropsych eval next month.

My main issue is my two young children, both under three. The SS has brought such toxicity to our home, and I know they feel it even if they can’t verbalize it. He brings out the worst in both me and my DH, and I am finding it harder and harder to deal with the negativity. SS said he wanted to live with us to be a part of the little ones’ lives, but it turns out it was just another manipulative ploy to get away from a stepfather he hated even more than me. Mission accomplished—he’s soon to be out of the picture. Now he wants to move back with biomom because our expectations of personal responsibility are too high for him. She doesn’t want him back.

I guess my question is this—has anyone dealt with a completely dysfunctional older skid while trying to raise younger children? How did the older child’s antics impact the younger ones? Is there any way to find a positive mental place in the middle? I’m having a particularly rough day today after a fiasco last night, so please feel free to ask any questions and I’ll try to expand on this truncated (but very long) story. Thank you for listening, and for any input any of you may have.