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My head and heart hurt, not sure where to begin

Lumidare's picture

This is my first time with an original post here; I'm really not sure where to begin since it is such a long story. But, here goes.

I married my husband 10 years ago. I have been as kind and patient with his son as I ever hoped anyone would be with me, and all I have ever been given in return is nastiness, scorn, and hostility. Now that SS is 15, it has turned to cold indifference and fake smiles.

He just moved in with us full time in October, completely unexpected with one week notice after his BM got into an altercation with her soon to be ex. She called and asked if we could keep SS while she got on her feet again. DH jumped at the chance to have him move in with us without batting an eye, it was his dream come true. I had a mini breakdown because I knew what we just got dropped on our doorstep. Right then, after a long conversation reminding him that historically, I've spent more visitation time with SS than he has and he has no idea how challenging SS can be, I let my DH know that whatever happens with SS, it is his responsibility to manage. He looked at me like I was being a complete bitch, but he bought off on it.

It was probably the most important stance I've ever taken.

Fast forward to present. SS was committed to a psychiatric hospital three weeks after he arrived here and stayed until insurance said it was time to go. He's in the juvi court system for attacking another kid at school. He's homebound for education because he said he heard voices in his head telling him to kill his teacher (turns out he had a test in that class that day, hmm). He is completely incapable of functioning on his own without prodding, and homework is a nightmare. He has appointments with varying doctors and court things 2-3 times per week.
He came to us on Adderall and Prozac (actually, when he came to us, he did not have his Adderall and was double dosing on two different colors of Prozac), diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and Aspergers. They added Abilify to the mix in the hospital to control his psychosis, saying it was likely he has schizophrenia (disorganized type). Now they believe the psychotic break was Adderall induced, that he does not have ADHD or ODD, and they are weaning him off the Abilify. They have not yet taken Aspergers off the table, and it has been suggested that he has “learned helplessness”. Beyond that, we are not really sure what we are dealing with. He’s scheduled for a neuropsych eval next month.
My main issue is my two young children, both under three. The SS has brought such toxicity to our home, and I know they feel it even if they can’t verbalize it. He brings out the worst in both me and my DH, and I am finding it harder and harder to deal with the negativity. SS said he wanted to live with us to be a part of the little ones’ lives, but it turns out it was just another manipulative ploy to get away from a stepfather he hated even more than me. Mission accomplished—he’s soon to be out of the picture. Now he wants to move back with biomom because our expectations of personal responsibility are too high for him. She doesn’t want him back.
I guess my question is this—has anyone dealt with a completely dysfunctional older skid while trying to raise younger children? How did the older child’s antics impact the younger ones? Is there any way to find a positive mental place in the middle? I’m having a particularly rough day today after a fiasco last night, so please feel free to ask any questions and I’ll try to expand on this truncated (but very long) story. Thank you for listening, and for any input any of you may have.

RainbowMom's picture

Have you ever heard of the GAPS diet? We've been on this program for about a year and have noticed a major decline in behaviours. Google Dr. Natasha Cambell-McBride. My son is also on the spectrum and have tried many, many strategies. The GAPS program is, by far, the best program we have ever tried.

Lumidare's picture

No, I haven't. I will research it. We tried a GC free diet a few years ago, but SS refused to eat the food offered and I got tired of dealing with the whining. Thank you for the tip!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Lumidare, I find what you describe quite concerning for your younger kids.SS seems to show signs of aggression and has so many mental health issues.I am honestly not sure if it is worth the risk being exposed to him every day.Does DH understand that dealing with his son 100% of the time is maybe simply too hard for you and the two young children?I am concerned about your and the little ones safety.

Lumidare's picture

He scares me too, I just find him so creepy. On a positive note, he has not shown any violent behavior at all in the house. I won't tolerate even one fist flying in anger--I will yank my little ones out in a heartbeat. He's not mean to the little ones, just indifferent, and I can tolerate that for now. I'm doing my best to shield them from the negativity. I know my husband knows how much SS wears on me, because he feels it too now. He would love to get him out of the house, but we don't have anywhere to send him right now. Like I said, his mom won't take him back. On some level, it breaks my heart that no one wants him, but by the same token, he's brought it on himself by acting as he does for so long. At any rate, I'm no longer really concerned about safety (well, I'm not on high alert--just keeping my eyes peeled).

Rags's picture

In this case your priority has to be the younger children. The older one has to go. IMHO of course.

We have never had to deal with the level of toxicity that you describe in our family history. However, my dad made it abundantly clear to me when I was in my teens that I would not be allowed to take away from my younger brothers right to be the ages they were at any given time. I had my experience to be their ages and detracting from their chance would not be tolerated.

I think your Skid needs the same message. With all of the fabricated syndromes that kids today are "diagnosed" with that have never existed before I think it is high time to go back to the tried and true methods of holding these syndromized kids accountable for their actions and restart the very effective trip to the woodshed treatment when they step out of line. There is nothing like a razor strop to the bare ass to fix these syndromes. When consequences are clearly connected to inappropriate behaviors even willful and stubborn kids will eventually get the message. If not, they continue to reap the consequences of their bahaviors until they reach majority and put out to truly realize the consequences of their behaviors.

For those with actual psychological conditions, of course they should receive all support and treatment possible.

Again, all IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Lumidare's picture

I agree completely. The woodshed treatment was ineffective even when he was young. Nothing gets through to him, NOTHING. That's why we are pursuing the many doctors and evals, to rule out (or confirm) any true psychological problems. I'm anticipating one of two things will happen. He will end up living with his mom again once she realizes she has to pay child support,in which case, he'll never receive any help, or he will end up spending a lot of time in inpatient therapy in a hospital.

Personally, I think he's completely playing all of us as much as possible, and has been since he was about 7. My adopted brother is a sociopath, so I have some experience with this. They are alot alike, and that makes it doubly hard for me to tolerate his bs. Thanks again for your input!