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My BC passed away. Stuck with SS

hellokitty's picture

Hi. I am new here and need advice!

 

One of the things that attracted me to dh when we started dating was that we both had kids the same age and they got along great. Together we had one more db and life was perfect. SS lives out of state and comes down every other weekend and summers. Things we're fine. 

 However, 2 years ago my bio child got diagnosed with cancer. It turned my world upside down as you can probably imagine. I lost my bio child 2 moths ago after a courageous battle. It was devastating and the worst thing that could happen to a parent, But I was determined to not allow this to destroy me. I never asked anyone for sympathy or anything like that, so on the outside I look okay, in the inside not so much. Keep in mind it's been only 2 MONTHS that my child died in my arms.

Anyway,SS comes down for the summer and I told dh in advance he should go to camp. There's a big age gap between SS and DB (8 years) So obviously it would be boring for SS to be stuck at home with us (I sah). Dh blew me off as usual and says SS will be fine if we just get him video games.Before I came along it was the grandparents responsability to keep him busy all summer long and now that is apparently my job. Dh is gone 12 he's a day and is barely with his son so obviously he does not care of SS is bored, whiny or unhappy. His mentality is "he will deal. He will be fine". It is just so selfish!

SS is constantly bored, follows me everywhere, does not respect my personal space , and overall it just has been a miserable experience. Dh just got a new job and thats all he ever wants to talk about now.

So today I sent him a long text explaining how Im still grieving and need a little support with SS . His reply "ok, not a problem.. I will send him back to his mother. Not your responsability anymore . You act like he is such a chore" 

Wtf.

So now Im the Wicked Witch of the West. Evil step mom. Can anyone see my point? This should not be my responsability under such circuntances. He never once ASKED if I would be ok enough to do the same things I used to do if my bio kid was alive (beach, fishing, zoos, etc) WITHOUT my bio kid. Those are huge triggers for me and I am not ready to resume normal life and care for another child, pretty much by myself, all summer long. 

Another thing thag blows my mind...BM sent SS down to FL with NOTHING. No suitcase, no bookbag. Not even a pair of underwear, not a toothbrush, not his medicine. Nothing. I will sure have to buy him a wardrobe since dh won't. SS is picky and Dh doesn't plan ahead. If I don't go out and buy him snacks, he would starve. Im just very fed up and wondering if I am over sensitive because of the circumstances or if I really have a reason to be upset. 

Areyou's picture

Sounds like DH will be sending him back home. That’s great. Not your kid, not your problem. Be happy. Who cares if they think you won’t help with his kid. Why should you have to? Live your life and take care of yourself. SS has two parents. Let them take care of him. That’s too bad DH thought it was ok to be gone 12 hours a day and leave his kid with you. The kid doesn’t need to be there if he’s not watching his kid. Take care.

elkclan's picture

This is the saddest thing I've ever heard. I can't imagine. Looking after kids - including bio kids in intact families - sometimes is a chore. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that. And there's also nothing wrong with acknolwedging that kids sometimes need structured activities - especially across a whole summer. Of course he's bored. 

Your DH is failing you and he is failing his child. He is not acknowledging your grief. He's not acknowledging that of course your SS is probably grieving, too - in his own way - and that it's not healthy for him to be stuck all day in what must be a very sad house right now. 

Its not SS's fault that he is alive - and I don't pick this up in your post - but if his father sends him away that's the message. That kid needs to be in a camp. That kid needs a DAD who gives a shit about him. And you need space. This isn't necessarily even about the step situation - this would be true even if they were bio siblings of around that age. But add in the step situation and you look like the bad one - even though you're not - and that is stress you don't need. 

I'm angry on your behalf. 

You have a right to be a wreck right now. It's good that you're not. Everyone works in a different way. But you also have a right and a responsibility to ask for help. Write your DH a letter, say much of what you've said here, ask for counselling. Ask your in-laws for help, too. You also have a right to be angry about DH's attitude and demand some behavioural changes. 

 

SteppedOut's picture

You hubs is being a selfish prick, to put it mildly.

Asking for help with HIS KID made him have a mantrum? Seriously, oh sorry I brought something up besides your awesome new job. 

Expecting you to be the sole caretaker of his kid, that is the same age as the son you just lost... completely out of line. How can he be so completely oblivious to your pain?

hellokitty's picture

Thanks, everyone. These replies made me cry. I don't really talk aboit this issue with anyone because I fear I will come across as a bad SM .It's nice to have some reassurance that I am not crazy.

My SS is not a bad kid. He really isn't. I am just mad at dh for being so completely selfish. He is not talking to me ar the moment. Supposedly SS will be going home tomorrow, but he hasn't announced it yet so I am not sure.

I don't want him to go to be honest. I fear he will feel rejected and none of this is his fault. I also fear this will destroy my marriage because dh will always resent me for "not wanting his son".

 

qtpie013178's picture

You are not the problem here. For at least a year (maybe more) after losing a child, you should have minimal stress and it’s expected that you’ll grieve for a long time. Your SS being the same age is also a constant reminder and trigger for that trauma. If DH wants him there, he can pay for camp or get a sitter. He’s being selfish and trying to save money and get to enjoy his kid while shoving the work onto you. Let him make his choices. If you’re not working, I would start looking and at least take on something part-time.

SteppedOut's picture

HE is acting like he doesn't want his son! Yet trying to make you feel guilty because you are grieving the loss of a child, which is literally the worst thing that you can experience.

simifan's picture

Your job right now is to take care of you. I'm so sorry for your loss and your DH being so selfish & insensitive. Anyone could see how taking care of a child would be a huge trigger for you.

SS is not your responsibility. Do not let DH guilt you into it. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I'm so sorry for your loss. {{{{hugs}}}}

Visitation is for SS to spend time with his FATHER. Period. Dot.

What would your DH do if you worked or he was a single parent?? The reality is that he'd have to make other arrangements for SS.

He is being an insensitive jerk. I'm certain a therapist/counselor would tell him so (in professional terms).

Please do what you need to grieve and heal. 

hellokitty's picture

Thanks. To be 100% honest SS would not spend his entire summer with me. Grandma will have him for ONE week and grandpa would get him sporadically so to my dh that is a fair balance.

Of course, to me it is not. 

Grandparents are elderly and sometimes will make plans with SS but then they will wake up with aches and pains and cancel. It gives me anxiety not knowing when exactly I will get a break. I guess I just wanted for dh to at least be understanding of how hard this is for me. He minimizes my feelings and that is what bothers me the most.

 

hereiam's picture

I am so very sorry for your loss.

You are not an evil SM but your husband is an inconsiderate jerk. And really, that is putting it lightly. I would not be able to sleep next to him.

Maybe he should do his own "chores".

oneoffour's picture

However not allowing yourself to visibly grieve is not giving anyone clues how you feel. Beinf\g strong and in control on the outside will eventually crack and fall apart and the welling up in your heart will be life shattering. Already you are not letting DH in to your grief. Yet you expect him to understand how numb you still are. 2 months is 2 months. 8 piddly little weeks. 1344 hours. About the same time as winter break for kids in school. 

Get a therapist who can help you deal and cope with your grief. Attend a support group. And tell DH face to face how numb you feel and how his son is a constant reminder of how your son. You don't blame SS for being alive beause that is not fair. However SS is not going to get the best of you this year and as his father DH needs to make other arrangments because if it was his son who died 8 weeks ago you would not be leaving your son with him all day and every day. ... DH has to work this one out for himself and you do not get the guilt trip added into your numbing grief. 

How old was your son? If he is/was an adult then maybe DH thinks differently about him. Just a thought. But please see a therapist to help yourself express your grief and a little sympathy and sharing your load will help. Much love (((())))

marblefawn's picture

Hellokitty, you have to demand what you need. People should give it to you, but if they don't, you must just take it.

If your husband doesn't have the sense to give you what you need, take it. Chalk up your husband's apparent insensitivity to him dealing with his own grief, because he surely is grieving too and having his son there this summer might be comforting to him -- when he's not working.

But you know your limitations and you need to be firm about this.

Let BM keep SS this summer, as your husband "offered," or negotiate with your husband for SS to go to camp or the grandparents' house. Maybe if your husband has any vacation time, he can do something alone with SS. Promise your husband that SS can stay with you next summer (you can deal with that battle when the time comes if need be). But this summer, you get to do what you want when you want, no questions asked.

Hellokitty, you need to grieve properly so you can get on with your life when the time is right for you. You can't skip the grief. You need to grieve the last two years, not just the last two months, because you know it's been a long horrible journey without the ending that would have made it all worth it.

If your husband doesn't give in or cold shoulders you, you both need to get to therapy ASAP. Loss of a child often triggers divorce. A good therapist will set him straight on this in a heartbeat -- I promise there is no good therapist in the world who is going to castigate you and endorse his expectation.

It's important you and your husband keep it together right now for everyone's sake. Be respectful of his grief, but don't compromise your own.

I'm really sorry about your little child. I hope there's some comfort knowing he doesn't have to fight that battle anymore.

Maxwell09's picture

I am sorry for you. This is a horrible situation to be in, and it seems you've recognized that your DH is absolutely the problem. He is self absorbed when it comes to you and your loss, his own kid, anyhting other than his new job. You need to step back and figure out if you want to deal with all of this on top of grieving ove the loss your child. I would leave. What is losing some asshole who is just gaslighting you into nanny-ing his kid after losing a part of your soul when you lost your son? At least this is how I would feel.

NotEasy525's picture

Shame on your husband. You are 100% right! I could not imagine and I am so sorry for your loss. However, I am proud of you and I don't even know you but good for you trying to hold it together and not let it break you cause I would be a mess!! 

Your husband's response made me boil. Like I wanna send him a message saying "FU, this is your WIFE, who just had the worst thing imaginable happen to her and you are gonna text her that BS!" - Not cool. I do apologize. It does suck seeing as it is not your SS fault that he doesn't have his belongings, shame on biomom. Obviously, you can't let the poor child be without. BUT...like other people have said...looks like he is going back to mama's house. Two months is NOTHING. I am sure the last thing you want to do is argue with your husband but way for him to show his true colors! How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? *scratch_one-s_head*

 

Twix's picture

I can't even imagine how you must be feeling and my heart goes out to you. I don't blame you one ounce for not wanting to take care of SS full time like that, hell I probably wouldn't even want to hear my skids name. 

But I say ignore DHs snippy reply and let him send SS back to his moms - this is not your responsibility.  Your responsibility is to care for yourself and your Db which must be hard enough at the moment. 

Hopefully your DH wakes up to what an ass move that was. Maybe let him read these. 

Rags's picture

My condolences on the loss of your child.  I do not have that experience myself but I watched my parents go through it when my baby brother passed when I was 8.

 You need some time to grieve.  Your SO needs to find some compassion rather than playing the guilt card to make you feel bad.

 

If he can’t do that.... please take care of you and find a compassionate equity life partner.

fustratedintexas's picture

Hugs amiga! My heart goes out to you. Take time for yourself. Walk, pray do whatever you need to take care of you. Find a support group.  Sending your SS back in not a bad thing. Your husband needs to learn compassion. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Hugs!!! I am so sorry you're facing all this!!

I think the suggestion to get a part-time job is a good one. It'll help give you something to do I think, just make sure it's something enjoyable, or you could start volunteering places as well, like the animal shelter if you love animals, or something. Something that won't add stress and will hopefully give you some enjoyment and get you out of the house.

Keep us updated!

hellokitty's picture

Hey everyone. Thank you all so much for your kind words. They help more than you know. *kiss2*

Here is an update: Dh and I had an awful argument this weekend (via text, I don't scream in front of children) and didn't talk the whole weekend. Somehow though, he understood my point. At least for now.

He sent SS to grandpa for one night and to grandma's for another few nights. So I had the whole week to decompress and think. Things were better without SS here. I still cry every day for my child,  but not having SS here has at least decreased my stress level.

I am sure SS will be back next week and that's fine with me . My mindset has changed.

I am a people pleaser and usually put up with things until I explode. I also used to put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best step mom, the one who is always fun and never complains. SS sees me more as a playmate than a step parent. This has somehow changed this week in my mind. I have decided that I will periodically ask for breaks (example, say I have an appointment or will meet a friend and will not be taking SS). Who will take him or what my dh will do with him ? Not my problem. I also don't put pressure on myself to entertain SS anymore. SS would literally stay up until 1 am and still try to ask me to hang out with him since my dh was asleep, which was causing me so much anxiety. Late nights are tough for me and the last thing i want to do is hang out with another child so I miss my own child even more. 

No longer. The last night he was here I had my headphones on at night after my dh went to bed. I took the dogs on a long walk and made sure to let SS know I was not available. I don't do this to be mean, I just can't handle much at the moment. Its not my issue that he is up late because he is full of energy. This is something his own father should have considered. 

I also won't force myself to take SS out places to entertaim him (Disney, beach, etc). I don't care what my in laws think. I dont even care what my dh thinks. This is not my responsability at the moment and it's better to put my foot down than to be passive aggressive about it and resent my dh later for not reading my mind.

It sucks for my SS. His summer will be very boring. This is obviously not his fault. But if his father didn't think about this, why should I? 

Dh already asked me if SS could come back tomorrow morning. Normally I would cringe but say yes. Not anymore. I said "nope, have plans. Sorry". And he took it really well.  Learning to say no and not feel guilty or like I have to justify myself is so liberating. 

Well, that's my plan. I don't want to say send him back to his mother. I don't want to destroy my marriage over this . My dh is actually amazing to me and has been my rock through my child's illness. He of course was insensitive about SS issue, he was clueless about it, but I don't think it's worth ending my marriage over this. I think as long as I can put my needs ahead of SS needs I will be ok. I have to remind myself that his happiness this summer is his fathers responsability, not mine. 

Any input would be appreciated.

Java_Junkie's picture

EXCELLENT.

I have also recently unloaded all answers and reloaded the magazine with "Nnnope." My SKids have been treating me poorly lately, so my default will be NO. Sleepovers, visitors, hanging out, all of that. I have been getting burned out trying to be good to these punks, only to have them take advantage. Those days are gone. They know what to do to bring them back. They don't have a problem reminding me, in subtle ways, that I'm not their parent - which is OK because that liberates me from all responsibility. If I swing by Taco Town - https://vimeo.com/90127834 - I won't be buying for them. Besides, whenever I did, they complained or were otherwise very dismissive or rude, and I always felt super unappreciated. "Uhh, you're welcome." Now, they can microwave some ramen noodles or have a bowl of cereal.

I know that great feeling of liberation.

Only thing is, DW and her ex are week on/week off, and we've had these two childish teens non-stop for a while, and will have them through July 21. It will have been about a month... and then DW will be gone on a trip. So I 'm getting pretty much no time with just her and me.

Java_Junkie's picture

Yikes...

Sorry for all this, it's a difficult thing I hope to never face. Your comment:

Dh blew me off as usual

...tells me you're not so much having SKid problems as marital problems. If you feel like he blows you off a lot, that's not good. I'd recommend counseling to target that.