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mother's day as a stepmom

christinen's picture

This is my first mother’s day since officially becoming a stepmom (I have no children of my own) and I am not sure what to expect. Last mother’s day, I did live with DH and SD and they didn’t get me anything, but I feel like since I am her SM now, I deserve something! SD will be with her BM on the actual day, and she is only 4 so can’t be held responsible if I don’t get anything, but I feel like my DH should get me something- even if it’s just a card, just something to say thank you for taking care of (or putting up with!) my kid. Do you all ever get any mother’s day gifts from your DH or skids? I know I will feel really hurt and MAD if DH doesn’t get me anything but then again that is what I am expecting (nothing).

frustratedstepdad's picture

Not trying to be funny here. Do you have kids of your own? If you don't, then why should you get any special (even time alone with DH) since it's a celebration of motherhood and you don't want a gift from SD6, but want to spend MOTHERS DAY without her? Like I said, not trying to be funny here, just asking.

Julies's picture

So you don't really love this kid and didn't want her. Her own mother doesn't want her and gave her up when she had a new kid. Wow I only hope her daddy truly loves her! Some kids really have a tough lot in life. You have a hard time too. I think the only answer is to try as hard as you can to open your heart to this kid. Without love, it's all resentment and manipulation. I have stepkids too though I don't live with them and I'm giving advice which I know I have to take as well and it's hard to open your heart. Maybe church can help both of us?

DASKRA's picture

Why is it a double standard for mothers and father's. It's ok for a Father like figure to get some special recognition on father's day but it's not ok on mother's day. Being a Mother or a father does not mean that you are the ones whom Donated the DNA to make the child. It is who has raised the child, who was there during the bad times and the good, who took care of them when they were sick and scared.

Have you looked at the mother's day cards this year? There are one's for grandmothers, aunts, and the mothering figures in your life. Not everyone can have BIO kids. Those whom are not able to have Bio's themselves are the ones who make the greatest parents because they have WANTED to have children and when a child is placed in their care they honor the role and treat it with the most respect. They WANT children more then those who can pop out kids by the min with no problems.

I think it is very rude of anyone to say that because a stepparent doesn't have any bio's means they don't deserve any kind of thank's! If the stepparent doesn't do anything for the kid then no thanks needed.

christinen's picture

Haha you are both right, and I would much rather have SD be with her mom than be with us on that day or any other day for that matter. I guess I am just looking for some acknowledgement for all I do for SD. We are supposed to have her week on, week off but end up having her much more than that due to BM not taking her when she is supposed to. I do everything for SD and I just think it should be recognized, but you are right, I am not her mother and the only reason I am in her life at all (and vice versa) is because I married her father.

sadSMof2's picture

i would mention it to him. i have found that if i plan an art project with my SD and say we will give it to her mom, then she ends up secretly making somethign for me too. it's a nice surprise and it has built over time with her. my DH does get me something as I do have my own child as well, but she is old enough to get/make me things without prompting.

i know you already commented on that you do a lot for the child and i just wanted to chime in about the person saying you arent the mom, why expect anything... i do MORE for my SD than i ever HAD to for my own child growing up. they are so oposite in personality and my SD needs attention constantly. there is a maturnal investment in this family and you wouldnt call us Step MOTHERS if we werent in that role.

i hope you are able to voice it without sounding needy or what not. i think if you are in a role of parenting then why not be acknowledged. it has nothing to do with who birthed them - it is who raises them that counts!

christinen's picture

Exactly how I feel. The only thing BM has done that I haven't done is pushed SD out of her disgusting vagina. I am the one who feeds her, clothes her, plays with her, makes sure she goes to school (she only goes to preschool on our weeks bc BM doesn't take her), makes sure she gets to her soccer practices, reads to her, tucks her in at night and takes care of her when she is sick. Not saying I do it alone, DH is a very involved father, but she is with us almost all the time (supposed to be 50/50 but BM never wants to take her). Also, BM is pregnant with her second baby now and I have a feeling things will only get worse for SD when that baby is born next month. I feel BM will have even less time for her than she does not (granted, she doesn't work or anything so she has plenty of time but apparently she has better things to do than spend that time with her own child). So yes, she did not come out of my vagina but I think the mother figure in your life deserves some recognition, and I agree it is not fair that no one thinks twice to show father figures recognition but when it comes to mother figures it's a whole different story. :O

college_try's picture

You said it, yourself. You are the one that feeds her, clothes her, takes her to school, reads to her, tucks her in at night, etc. Of course you deserve recognition on Mother's Day. If you do not get the recognition that you deserve, then in my opinion, it means you are unappreciated.

notthebradybunch6's picture

My mother-in-law went out and got gifts for the SS's to give their mother for Mother's Day, for me, nada. That is OK, because when we got home, I told them, you are going to give me a gift for Mother's Day, you are going to go clean your rooms, then you are going to pick from these chores, and help me around the house. Husband jumped right on board and I gotta say getting the weeding done for me was much better than any old card or trinket. Tomorrow he is going to pressure wash the house.

Goincrazy40's picture

I feel weird about Mother's Day this year. I have been around FSSkids for four years now. My amount of parenting involvement with them has decreased each year as they have gotten older and as I have realized anything I do is not at all appreciated.

First year, FDH bought BM gifts from Skids. I hadn't been around long enough to think one way or another about it. Second year, same thing and it bugged me. But I got a gift too. Third year, I got what I think was a hastily purchased gift by FDH that skids knew nothing about (he stopped buying for BM finally that year). This year, no mention of a gift for me whatsoever.

Now here is where I feel weird. In one way, they are not my kids, so why would they think to get me a gift or a card or anything, and why would I care, right? I don't want to be considered their parent, because hell, BM and FDH aren't doing a great job of parenting IMHO. (FDH is a Disney parent and BM is lazy).

But, in the back of my mind, there is a bit of disappointment that I was not acknowledged at all. In spite of my disengagement most of the time, I still do a lot that effects the skids. Buy food that they eat, help provide the roof over their head when they live here, take them places, do their laundry, clean the house they live in... the list goes on. The fact that I got ZERO acknowledgement is a bit hurtful. But what did I expect really? When I hand them something directly, like an item of clothing or something I bought because I know they would like it, they don't thank me for that. It is because their parents have spoiled them in their competition with each other to be the more loved parent, and now the kids just expect that adults do everything for them. Give everything to them.

It is a crappy situation to be a part of.

Oh well, I guess I will go and be grateful for my own mother, who has to listen to me complain about all of this all the time, and does so willingly, even though I am sure she gets pretty sick of it! Wink

Julies's picture

Discovering this site has opened my eyes to how difficult it is to be a step-parent. I think I was in denial before. Glad you have the support of your mom to help you through this thankless task.

mrspark's picture

I made my daughter's step mother a card and bought her a gift (with my daughter) so that she'll know she's valued and appreciated. I also made sure baby daddy bought her something.
I'm okay with sharing the day as a biomom.

Biomomof2's picture

You sound like the type of mom that knows your place with your child and that loving someone else can only create more love for your child!!! Bravo at truly putting the children first!!!! I hope I can be as awesome if my kids dad remarries!!!

Goincrazy40's picture

mrspark - wow - the BM I deal with would let herself be run over by a Mack truck before she would do that for me. IN SPITE of all I have done to help HER out.

mrspark's picture

I wish I could teach a class for birth mothers. I could show them how much better their lives are when their kid has a step mother.
I haven't met my step daughter yet (its been years) but when I do I plan to be awesome and I hope her mom appreciates it but I don't have much hope. She already hates DH. Oh well.

Happy Mothers Day to all the step moms out there.

firecrackerz12's picture

I am in same boat. I didnt even get a call. Only reason why I wanted a call is because I have went out of my way trying to help SD. I know where I stand now.

steptwins's picture

Mother's Day should be changed to Remember Day. Remember skids who takes care of you, cooks, cleans, gives you rides? Remember your BM is no where to be found, doesn't answer your calls. Yeah, Remember Day should be enacted for both M.D. & F.D., a time to remember all those who care for you.

jennaspace's picture

Eh, I'm a big believer in telling my H exactly what I want so I don't have to be disappointed with him not mind reading. I think you should be given appreciation as a stepmom from him for all the work you do. You SD may never appreciate (when older, or maybe she will) or acknowledge you but I would let H know you expect something.

I did a lot for my SD (cooked, cleaned, spent $). My H. didn't ever do something for Mother's Day nor did I expect him to. I met her when she was an young adult and never ever felt like I was a mommy figure (maybe aunt or something). A four year old (I have a bio 4 yr old) is a lot different and you are probably doing a lot of mothering. Your H. should acknowledge that with a gift for the mothering you do for his child.

My sister died and I tried to spend a lot of time with my nephews. My sister's ex husband (whom the children lived with) took me out on Mother's Day. This not because I was considered their mother but to show appreciation for the role I played. I still appreciate that he did that. Your H should spoil you in this spirit IMO.