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Married, 2 babies, then full custody of his

Ally.j.mckone's picture

Hi all! I am new to this site and really just need some support and someone to talk to. I married the love of my life 6 years ago, knowing he had two sons whom he saw 3x a year. Fast forward to today, hubby and I have a 23 month old boy of our own and a 2 month old baby girl. The exact week baby girl was born, hubby decided to pursue custody (as a result of alleged abuse, which CPS cant confirm) of his sons. So we went from a family of 3 to 6 in a matter of days.. needed another bedroom or two, a van to fit us all, etc. I didn't think it was a bad thing until I noticed how the attention shifted from our son to our son and newborn and then ALL to the stepkids, who have some moderate behavioral issues. I am losing it guys. I can't stand them and find myself hiding away in my own home. I think theyre manipulative liars who thought their daddy would buy them stuff so they made up a story. Hubby truly believes they were abused and morally had to seek custody. He isnt blind to their behavioral problems and is working on fixing it all. But what to... I am visibly miserable. I can't help but recoil when they try to hug me. They do like me a lot but I cant stand it. I just want to be a new mom of a newborn and adjust to having 2, not 4. Is it time to run?? Advice?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You have my sincere condolences. This could t have happened at a worse time - you with a toddler and a newborn, and protective hormones kicking in. Ugh.

Now, if you and your H can't get on the same page, your marriage likely won't survive. He needs to stop the Disney parenting and focus on consistency. You guys need structure, and HELP! Is there a plan and a clear division of labor and responsibilities? What has your DH done to ease the transition? Therapy for the skids, as well as joint for you and him? Has he enrolled them in school, lined up a pediatrician, and FILED FOR CHILD SUPPORT?

I empathize, and I've been in a similar situation. The 14 yo SD I didn't know suddenly moved in with DH and me. It was two weeks before she started high school, ten days after DH's son had passed away unexpectedly, and we hardly knew where to start. It was NOT easy, and my biggest mistake was doing too much and allowing my DH to do too little. Fingers crossed you navigate this successfully.

 

Rags's picture

It is sad that DH is so easily manipulated by his prior relationship children.  That you, your todler and your newborn are being sacrificed for his rescue of his children from a mother who took away their video games is tragic.

Good luck.

Take care of you. Take care of your kids.

Kes's picture

This is really, really hard and tbh, I don't think that as a new mother I would have been able to cope with this situation either.  Did your husband even consult with you before seeking custody?  He should have done, AT LENGTH.  How old are his sons? I think in your position I would be considering all my options, including establishing a separate home for me and my babies.  Because I hate to say it, but unless your DH is a miracle worker behaviour modifier, I don't see things as getting any better anytime soon. 

 

Letti.R's picture

You are experiencing the receiving end of a risk everyone takes when they are coupled to someone with kids: you could end up with the kids full time after only seeing them periodically.
Anything can happen and all of a sudden you have the skids full time - which you probably didn't plan for and mostly don't want.

I feel for you because you have two babies under two who are not easy to deal with in the best of circumstances, and now two additional behaviourally challenged kids too.
I don't think your husband had a choice in trying to get custody of his kids and I believe he did the right thing in light of abuse allegations.
The problem is the impact on you: your DH needs to help you, get the required help for his kids and try to better the situation as you are in distress and struggling to cope.

Have you spoken to your DH and told him how  you feel?
What was his response?

Aunt Agatha's picture

Some posters on here have negotiated that.  It might be your only chance until/unless he gets his kids under control.

It sounds as if you are already part way to single parenting.  At least this way, you and your kids could have a peaceful home.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

OP, I really feel for you. Not only was it a sudden shift, but it happened right after you gave birth. Dear lord, that is a lot to handle. While this is always a risk for stepparents, the odds of this happening at the time they did are really unlikely.

What kind of family support system do you have outside DH? Are your parents or siblings nearby and could they help? What rules/guildelines have you established for your home with DH, and if the answer is 'none', how soon can you sit with DH to get him on board? Is DH the kind of person who will follow through? If he isn't, can you afford to hire outside help or possibly send the older kids to daycamp? Ultimately, you need a break and support. If DH won't help you figure that out, you are going to have to advocate for yourself.

I'm sorry hon, this is a tough one.

Ally.j.mckone's picture

Seriously, thank you all. It means so much to just be able to vent and talk to others who understand where I'm coming from.

To clear up some things, I dont know if the kiddos were abused or not but I doubt it. However, hubby believes they were and from his standpoint, he was obligated to take action. Hubby consulted me about taking it to court and I told him I thought our marriage was doomed either way- if I said no, he would blame me. If I said yes, the kids would drive me out or I would leave because I didn't want to mentally scar them.

Their mother is in no position financially to fight a custody battle, and was hurt that they didnt want to come home, so she agreed to modify custody. CPS was initially involved but couldn't find any evidence, so the custody change was purely agreed upon and paid for by us.

We are still paying their mother child support until the court and child support agencies catch up. Now 3 months with $1K being paid to her while they're in our custody. We are broke!

Also, stepsons are twin 9 year olds. They are probably ADHD with mild Asberger's is my guess and have no real sense of intrinsic motivation. Only way to get them moving is to threaten to take things away and then they only really do something for fear of the punishment, which means they have to be told to do things over and over and over. 

We have been working through a positive parenting solution course and some of it works but it just takes time I'm not willing to spend. If I dont get involved, nothing will get better. Hubby has good intentions but no follow through.

We are actually both military so we're very far from home, with no real support system. Skids are in day camp for now and has been a big relief, but I dread when they come home Sad

Again, thank you guys for just being here. I don't know if I want to leave hubby or work it out but i have so many emotions I can't let out or discuss around here.

mro's picture

Wow!  Is he working on a plan for where the SSs will go when he gets deployed? (Hint: back to BM - but his action against her because of "abuse" is going to complicate things).  

Siemprematahari's picture

I can understand your frustrations and to transition from having one child to three is very overwhelming so I tip my hat off to you. It's a lot of work. You can take it day by day, week by week, month by month and see if this is a lifestyle change that you can live with. You don't have to make a decision now but wait it out a bit and see if there is some improvement. I will say that although your H has good intentions the fact that he doesn't follow through is a big problem. He has to be consistent in parenting and disciplining. This only sets the tone of more stress and problems for you both if he doesn't get them the help they need.

notarelative's picture

 

Wrong thread