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Manipulative step daughter

k.shannon's picture

My husband and I have a wonderful marriage. The ONLY thing we argue about is our kids. I have a 14 yr old daughter and 10 yr son. He has an 11 yr old daughter. Our girls can't get along. His daughter accuses mine of bullying her. I know this is not true. They pick at each other, like kids do. The difference is, his daughter will be flat out mean, or antagonize my daughter and when my daughter picks back at her, she cries and plays the victim like she was totally innocent. My husband refuses to see an issue. He believes every word out of her mouth. She is an only child and is used to getting her way. Her mother is an essential overprotective recluse who has rules for OUR household when her daughter is there. For the first 2 years of our marriage, I was not allowed to be alone with my SD. Any time I discipline my SD she acts hurt and goes and tells her mother I bullied her, and I don't treat her fairly. Her mother, instead of speaking to me or my husband about it, takes her daughters word and gives her "advice" such as, ignore her, you don't need two mothers. Or if it is about my daughter, she tells her that my daughter is older and should be more mature and not argue with her. I am at the end of my rope here. We have kept the kids apart for awhile. But it cant last like this. My husband refuses to see the issues here and I am tired of letting an 11 year old and her mother manipulate my household. I don't know how I can continue in a marriage like this. My husband and his ex just see her as this sweet little angel who can do no wrong and would never lie. I have heard her be incredibly hateful and resentful towards my children. Sometimes she flat out ignores me then when her dad drops her off she cries and says she feels like I don't like her. He says he just cant believe that every conflict is her fault or that she lied every time, but literally there are no issues when she is not there. He is great with my kids and my kids adore him. Its only when the 5 of us are together, there is tension and conflict. She is an extremely picky eater, and when she is there will only eat or drink what she wants, pop, fried chicken, candy. but my kids are expected to eat what is put in front of them, or they are being disrespectful. We cannot go on vacations or trips because of her eating habits, things have to be certain brands and cooked a certain way. I feel like this is just another way for her to control things, to get her way and rub it in my kids faces that she is her dads favorite.

fairyo's picture

Wonderful marriage? Stop there. The only thing you argue about is the kids? Well, that's quite a biggie too. BM has rules for when SD is at your house? Why? Is he unable to impose his own discipline? I think the main issue here is that DH seems too willing to do whatever BM wants and his daughter knows this. This isn't a good situation for you and your kids. I think you have some choices though:

Disengage completely from your SD and leave all the parenting to DH- meanwhile get some counselling either together or separately.

Speak to DH about how it is your home too and there have to be rules you set, and not BM- he is just setting up a whole heap of trouble for when she gets older with this one.

Get DH to take his daughter for a medical to find out if she has a physical reason for her eating habits-if not then she eats what you give her.

Make an exit plan in case DH is completely unwilling to change his attitude and you really can't stay in the marriage.

Let us know how you get and and good luck.

stepmum-mark2's picture

The child is only acting how she is allowed to act.

The problem is your OH.

HE needs to cut that BM rules in your home out NOW. BM is irrelevant in your home and he needs to set some boundaries. There need to be rules about how ALL kids are expected to behave (including mealtimes) and picky eaters (i.e. control freaks) are not pandered to. If someone doesn't like the meal prepared they go hungry. (within reason, if you know such and such hates Brussel sprouts then ok they don't have to eat them lol)

As for her ignoring you - YOU step up and say something at the time (who gives a flying you know what if she complains to BM?) `Excuse me, so`n`so, we acknowledge when someone speaks to us in this house!` Call her out EVERY DAMNED TIME she ignores you.

As for your two girls arguing, if you hear what happens and it warrants intervening do so - fairly. If you aren`t there then its ~she said/she said~ and not a lot you can do - you don`t KNOW which is being honest, you choose to believe your child and OH chooses to believe his. Reality is most likely somewhere in the middle...

If its serious and you need him to get onside, consider hidden cameras (with sound?) for when the kids are together so that he can see for himself with neither of you present how his princess is behaving.

Rags's picture

Web cams and bare this kids toxic behavior to her father with the footage. If he argues with the documented facts that he sees with his own eyes then you know what your options are.

Good luck. I hope DH sees his toxic spawn's behavior without the usual rose colored parental glasses.

Doorsy's picture

She IS her dads favorite. Thats her father not your kids father so he is going to favor her more. Its natural. Tell your dd not to have anything to do with sd. She is to ignore her and pretend she doesn't exist so that won't be an issur anymore.

AlwaysSmiling's picture

I can relate. My boyfriend also acts as if his 7 year old daughter can do no wrong. When his daughter is around, he is 'that parent'
that we all loathe.