New Here - don't know where else to turn
Long story short I am not yet married but I have been with my significant other for 1 year, we are talking about moving in together and marriage. I am a 38 year old child-free woman who met an amazing man and fell in love, isn't that how it starts? Anyways he has a 12 year old daughter and a semi high conflict ex-wife. During their marriage he was the primary parent, she traveled for work and leisure a lot and had bands she was a member of, so she wasn't home much. My BF has a pretty solid relationship with his daughter. Since the divorce and more importantly since she has known about me she doesn't let up on him. He is either a horrible person or his daughter doesn't want to see him, this is all made up by his ex. She portrays herself as this strong woman who got away from a horrible relationship all over the internet but in reality when she has their daughter she is texting and calling all the time because she is at her wits end and needs a break, she cannot handle her daughter. So the few days a week that his daughter is with him is peaceful and enjoyable, for the most part uneventful but the minute his daughter goes to her moms the text and calls never stop!
His ex left him, with a new relationship in hand and since that time that has disolved and now she has more time to intrude in our relationship. My boyfriend is pretty good at either ignoring her comments or shutting it down, he doesn't feel that he has anything to prove and that his daughter and he have a solid relationship. I on the other hand have a mini-panic attack everytime I hear his text notification on his phone, like "What Now" and 9 times out of 10 it is just her bitching.
Recently his daughter has had some issues at school which led to her getting bullied and making some threats of self harm, this of course has become an issue where the BM pretends to have it all under control but in reality she is freaking out. This is not my place but the stress she puts on my boyfriend is my business because I am the one who is with him on a daily basis. His daughter doesn't tend to do well in her mothers home but there is no way she would allow, for appearences only her daughter to make my boyfriends her primary home. She does better in school when she is with him and has less stress in her daily life. I have made sure he knows that I am okay with that setup and having been a kid whose parents each married three times I know things change at any point when dealing with children. His daughter and I get along great for the 5 months or so that she has been getting to know me, but I am still figuring my place in her life so I keep our relationship light hearted and fun. Of course the BM doesn't like that her daughter thinks I am cool and nice, so since that dialog made its way to her she has been poking at my boyfriend even more.
I love this man, I think his daughter and grown son are great, I love him family and I REALLY want us to work. My issue is I don't know how to disengage from her, and what she creates (DRAMA) while still being there for him when he needs me to. Her actions affect me greatly in the form of anxiety. I don't want her to use his daughter against him because he has a great relationship with her and I would hope that semi continues as she gets into her teenage years. I think her poking, trying to achieve some level of control on how his household is run just makes me so nervous, and I am not sure why. Their divorce set no requirements on who could be in their childs life, no clauses on inidviduals living with or marrying etc. They also have a VERY loss parenting agreement which she tries to change all the time, only in ways that would benefit her. I will never say he shouldn't see his daughter but in most cases it isn't his daughter wanting to come over it is his Ex trying to be manipulating.
Any advice on how to still be involved but not be involved? Also how to handle the ex who gets more and more involved
Thank you,
Thank you,
I fully agree with you and I know my BF is NOT willing to lose me over this. I think he was pretty loss with boundries when they first seperated and this happens. He normally turns his phone on mute and checks it when he has the time but with everything going on with his daughter as of late this communication has up'd. He is good about not giving in to her demands, guilt and BS but the sheer volume of her texting drives me mad. I have mentioned that to him, at first he was like "it's always about is daughter' but then it turns into name calling, threats and her begging him to take their daughter. I think me being in his life has forced him to say NO more to her, I think she was always use to him being there and jumping to her every need as long as his daughter was involved.
He needs a very specific
He needs a very specific court order so he doesn`t have to be afraid of her anymore.
'This is not my place but the
'This is not my place but the stress she puts on my boyfriend is my business because I am the one who is with him on a daily basis.'
I agree with everything Eastfacingwindow says, but I will add that the stress she puts on your boyfriend is primarily his business. You are the one with him but he is not taking your position into account, and that is a very common thing here.
You are becoming anxious but you can't handle the ex, you can't handle the SD, and it sounds like you can't handle SO either. What you can handle, though, is yourself. Have a serious think over how you would want this to go forward for you- what are you getting from it?
How to be involved but not involved? Disengage- leave the parents to parent and give yourself some time to think about things from the perspective of what you want your life to be. We have posters on here who regret giving decades of their lives to skids who turn against them in the end. I would be wary...
Ultimately you may need to
Ultimately you may need to draw a line in the sand so you can save your own sanity. I can completely understand what you are going through as I actually had the MOTY call me to ask why her children behaved and did things for us while they refused when they were home with her. That was pretty early in our relationship and I tried to be nice to her about it. By the end of my interaction with BM (several years later) I actually called her out for being the problem and that she was a bad mother (after she called me to yell at me for trying to fix an unexcused absence issue she caused). Blissfully that ended her trying to contact me again.. one win for SM!
But seriously, don't let yourself become the dumping ground for all the stress she pours onto your BF. There were times I literally told my DH that HE got with crazy.. not me.. and that HE was going to have to deal with her.
It's hard to disengage when he wants to vent to you and I understand wanting to be there for him.. but it's like being on a plane when the oxygen masks come down.. you have to save yourself before you save others. You might have to ask him to not share every annoyance because it makes every conversation you have with him filled with stress and that isn't helping your relationship.
The other issue is that a
The other issue is that a friend of mine keeps sending screen shots of the Ex's Instagram (she blocked me and my BF on all of the social media) and it's either quotes about how she is this fantastic strong single mother or something along the lines of #familycomesfirst but given the chance she will have a night free over being with her daughter. So I am now just angry that she is throwing him under the bus in a public forum like Instagram or Facebook. Again, I am sure this is not my problem but it makes me so angry, the woman is 44 years old.
What your "friend" is doing
What your "friend" is doing is called pot stirring. You can't control what this BM does or says. Let that go. If her Instagram posts upset you, don't look at them. Tell your friend to stop showing them to you. If what she texts your SO upsets you, then ask him not to share those messages with you. You can be supportive of him without knowing all the BS she said.
Best thing to do is come up
Best thing to do is come up with boundaries.
1st boundary is No calling, no answering calls. Dh can let it go to voice mail, and text a reply. DH is to only text with ex. If a true emergency occurs, "sd is at hospital, meet us there" is a quick way to let someone know. So even emergencies can happen via text. Also if bm only texts, dh can decide whether he wants to engage in the conversation or ignore it.
Second boundary, ex'es stay at the steps or in the car during drop off or pick up. A quick, "excuse me, let me go get SD " and shut (maybe even lock off she is crazy) the door will keep her out of your house.
3rd boundary is to block her crazy butt on social media. If you can't read her posts, they won't bother you.
Great thing about boundaries is you enforce them, but if things start up go more smoothly, a few years down the road, you can ease up on them, or not. Your choice