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I never thought I’d be a step mum so young

Emma0494's picture

Honestly I don’t even know whether I’m writing for advice or just venting but I am in a complex situation and honestly I just don’t know.
So some background information, I am a 24 year old university graduate who comes from an upper middle class background. My partner is also 24 and comes from a much lower income background than myself (not that it matters to me). He and I met about 2 years ago when we honestly both were not in a great place. We supported each other and tried to sort ourselves out before perusing an actual relationship. He has been such an amazing support and teacher to me. We love each other and have decided to move in together.

He has a now 4 year old daughter whom he loves and cherishes. The child is in joint custody and rotates between mum, my partner and his grandparents. The reason for the mass rotation is because, well let’s just say the mother isn’t exactly mentally well. For example, the conception of the child occurred because she manipulated and lied to him about being on contraception when she wasn’t and even poked holes in condoms so she would get pregnant. He tried to make the relationship work for the child but in the end it did not work out.

Now the mother is expecting another child with another man. She unfortunately has a history of schizophrenia in her family and is starting to exhibit signs (or so I have been told). My partner and his parents are essentially trying to get her to give up his daughter without needing to go through the courts. Previously when they did, the courts ruled that the mother should only have 1 hour per week of visiting rights with the child. Of course, my partner felt it was important for his daughter to have some kind of relationship with her mother and so they did a private arrangement, working her way up from 1 hour to a few days over the past 2 years. The hope
in not going through courts is to keep the mothers trust and that she gives the child to them out of her own will, rather than have her forcably removed. Whilst my partner may hate his ex partner, he understands the importance of still having a mutually respectful arrangement with her, especially for the sake of his daughter. Going through the courts would also mean a lot of money which frankly they can’t afford. He already offered to pay off his ex’s legal debts just so he knew his daughter could still eat when she was with her mother. Please note that yes of course social services have been notified and are involved. The mother also has a social worker and the right steps are being taken to ensure safety.

Obviously I fully understand that the child’s needs and safety come first. There is no arguing that. But honestly it’s highly likely that she will come into our care full time within the next 2 years.

I honestly never imagined myself being a step-parent to a 6 year old at the age of 26, and yet if I want to keep this relationship that’s exactly what will happen. He and I have talked about it but it is so difficult because in true honesty, I do not want to be a step mum so young. The idea around it constantly gives me anxiety; and yet I don’t want to give up this relationship. It’s a solid relationship built on trust and honestly that we both truely respect one another.

Whilst I don’t imagine someone’s situation being tricky, does anyone have any advice around being a young step-parent, being a full time step parent when you don’t have children or dealing with tricky ex partner situations? Any advice will be helpful.

Thanks for reading
E

Comments

bananaseedo's picture

My thoughts? You're too young and you dread it for a reason-it's a relationship red flag. You seem to have a good head on your shoulder so time to break it off. I honestly feel that there isn't just ONE good person for us -or believe in soulmates- you can have a wonderful relationship w/someone else and have a nuclear home.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I’m actually a bit younger than you and have SD9 and SD4. I can honestly say I’d NVER have seen myself in this situation, so young, or ever, didn’t even have an interest in having kids at all... But I honestly have come to love these girls, and I call them mine. When we first got married we had them about 3/4 of the time, whereas about 7 months ago she ditched them nearly completely.... Were in the process of taking it to court....

Our BM isn’t sane.... In fact she’s a narcissist, who’s an awful person in general, had SD9 just for military benefits in high school because DH was about to leave and then had SD4 because DH found out she’d been cheating the whole marriage, and is now pregnant with druggie bf’s child because he told her he didn’t believe in marriage... ITS A MESS. She’s also dealing drugs now...

EVERYTHING, has come with an insane amount of growing pains, and while I love my family, I honestly don’t know if I’d pick it again with the knowledge I have now... I’m here for the long run, but becoming. A full time parent, dealing with a crazy BM AND moving across the country, really has taken a LOT of work and has caused a lot of confusion.... It has improved, and gotten better with time (and also the help of the lovely people on here!) But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

This is a choice for you to make, I’d suggest taking age totally out of the equation and think about the situation, Love is amazing, and I totally believe in the soulmate principle, but in a marriage/relationship there are SO many more factors than just love to consider! This is YOUR life. So this is up to you to decide! If you decide to stay, isuper suggest staying on this website as well... That’s been my biggest help, those who haven’t gone through it, really just don’t understand... So having a group here that knows is beyond helpful.

Twix's picture

I was about your age when I really got serious with my DH, now I'm almost 31 and we have a 2 year old together. I'm happy with my life but it's not what I pictured. Honestly, if I had a do over I would not have gotten involved with a man who had kids. BM is crazy and strives to make our lives hell but I did luck out with the kids, considering some of the stuff I read on here. Really no matter how good or bad things may be that anxiety about the whole situation is there .... you should listen to it. I always thought it would get better and go away but it's only gotten worse as time passes.
You don't have kids (as far as I know) and your young .... you can definitely find a great guy without children... if you want.

sunshinex's picture

I'm 23 and a stepmom to a 6 year old. I've been in her life since she was 2... so I was essentially a stepmom at 18 years old, I would NOT do it over again. I love my husband and my life, but I still don't fully love my stepdaughter and now we have a baby... It's gotten even harder because all I want in the world is to spoil my baby with all the love I have but I have this unrelated little girl getting jealous of that. I have to constantly watch myself around her because while I SHOULD be able to love my son without holding back, this girl is my son's sister and I have to make sure she's not jealous for his sake. I also have to do everything for her that I do for him (college is expensive, FYI...)

It just sucks sometimes. I love my husband but I wouldn't go back. I love my baby but I wish he didn't have a sister that I have to fake love every single day of my life. It's hard.

goingcrazy00's picture

Yes exactly this...especially the fake love part lol as awful as it sounds. I have to fake enjoy giving skids hugs (they hug, kiss and say I love you). I'm 25 and skids are 5 and 7. I tried hard at the beginning and it was ok but I lost any interest when BM made me out to be someone who was unsafe to be around the kids unsupervised and when the kids started reporting everything back to BM's house. Makes me resentful of them even though I know it's due to BM's prompting. That's not even the tip of the iceberg with BM's insane antics.

BM is expecting another kid now and while I want kids in the future, I know I'll be forever tying my child(ren) to these "little spies" that I can hardly stand to hug. So I have a mental crisis constantly going on in my head. 10/10 would not recommend. Sad

sunshinex's picture

See.. Even if you have a great husband, it's still difficult due to having to fake love for kids you're not related to, crazy antics from the BM, judgement from your husband's family (my in-laws are always pressuring me to love my stepdaughter like they do, even though DH knows thats not possible) all sorts of issues... I only stay because my husband is an actual parent who tries his best to make sure his kid is respectful and kind to me. He sticks up for me to his in-laws and BM all the time. He understands that it's hard for me. Even with him being so great, it's STILL hard. So if your DH isn't top notch, always on your side, you're in for hell. Pure hell. Ask other SMs here!

Acratopotes's picture

Emma , you seems like a bright girl, now listen carefully and think about it...

Either you keep the man and you are SM to this girl, who will have allot of issues...

Or you simply call it quits, Love is not everything in a relationship and Hon from experience I can tell you, never settle for a class below you, do not lower your standards and values for any one, it's never going to work..... reasons being, you want different things in life, you are going to raise your children one day to be like you, your partner wants different things in life, he's going to raise his kids the way he got raised...
and that's a huge problem in it's own, Neither of you are wrong, but it's not going to work out.

If you feel now that you are not ready to be a mother of any kind, then don't be a mother, end it and enjoy your life, you only have one life, there's no do-overs Hon....

DaizyDuke's picture

So you either walk away and find someone without a child or you stay, and put yourself through years of anxiety (you're already feeling it), torment (you're already feeling it), and regret (you're already feeling it) and then you eventually get the courage to walk away.

Guess it just depends WHEN you want to walk away right? Now or later, because you know in your heart NOW that this is not going to work for you.

marblefawn's picture

OK, so here I go again.

Um, if you don't want parenting responsibilities, why would you even consider moving in with him??? You already know that you don't want to be a SM now (that is, you don't want to get into this relationship deeper now). You don't want to leave the relationship (that is, you don't want to end the relationship now). So, if you don't want to get in deeper and you don't want to breakup, why not keep things exactly as they are until you are sure? Why co-mingle your lives, your finances, your families and take on his parental responsibility when you are saying this is not what you want? Do you want a man in your bed so badly that you're ignoring the big red flag waving in your face? Why would you do that?

If you think it's easier to get out of living together than marriage, it ain't. You're young. Don't rush so much. When the time is right, you can make the move, but if you're living together, you can't take the part you want without taking the part that might end your relationship. If you keep things as they are, you might find out the situation isn't so scary and it's what you want at 27 or 29. So why rush?