Hi all,

I am not even sure why I am here. I don't know if its for advice or support or anything because I don't plan to take any action. I read alot about stepmothers disliking their stepchildren, which I do not judge but that is not the case with me. I LOVE this child and he loves me. He is 9 and besides having my stepkid I am childless (but recently expecting). 

I lived a hard life as a child and I know what it is like to be scarred by someone and the thought of scarring my stepkid... I just can't, I can't do that to this child. After a fight in a hotel room with my husband his father (quick summary: we visited his fathers family out of state, bio mom took kids to other state which forced him to leave -not judging her- and he wanted hug but it was hot and I said no and he called me a c*nt in front of his kid, he claims he was dealing with greif after not seeing family for 4 years, ok). But the morning after when I talked to my stepson he said our fights made him scared we would divorce. I promised him I took my vows seriously and would not leave. I am a silly person and the day before I joked that if aliens wanted to abduct people I would volunter to see space and my stepson said I can't because if I left he would cry and be sad forever. I LOVE this kid.

I got strong signs from God before we married that he wanted this marriage for me so I faithfully followed his guidance. I think i rushed and my husband introduced me to his child to early as well. He tearfully told me his fear in the beginning if I ever left i would be risking breaking two hearts and its true.

My husband tries but he is inheritantly self centered. I don't blame his ex for leaving. She by the way is very welcoming and I appreciate her alot even though the relationship is distant, i feel blessed for this and my wonderful stepchild. But my husband- he is the type of man who wants to be good but doesn't feel or see other people. He reacts only to soothe his own discomfort and guilt, thinking this is caring and being a good person (think of the Lil Dicky from show"DAVE"). Last night was the last straw. After showing up to a soccer practice to surprisingly see him sitting with his bio-mom i felt some feelings. Not anger, again, I think she is great. But Jealousy and sadness that I can't help. I waited to speak to him untill that night, looking for support. Without hearing me out he asked "thats for (step child), do you want me to not sit with her, you are toxic." Y'all I love my stepkid and if I was honest kind of love his bio-mom, I am newly pregnant with his child. I have sacraficed my image and dreams of family and love and motherhood, I will not expirience my partners first baby with him- all the things and sacrafices. I just needed a supportive and loving husband to sooth my heart. I am not blind, I know I will expirience these feelings and there will be sacrafices and i knew this going in. I am ok with sacraficing, I want to love and sacrafice but I thought (and i don't think this is too much to ask) that I would have a loving, appreciative, compassionate husband to gently sooth me when times are hard.

Everyday it seems I start a "new day" with him with a blank slate and new chances. But after last night I woke up just knowing I don't love him, i only try to love him. I messed up entering into this marriage. I feel betrayed by God but try to find solitude in that the bible says God does not gaurtee happiness only that he will try to save your soul. But how do i live like this? My life was hard before this, never had support from two bipolar parents, an abusive stepdad. I dreamed of my time to come one day where I could be happy and loved and i am realizing this day will no come for me. 

This is my destiny because how could I leave my sweet stepson and scar him?  I can't but if I could go back and make different decisions in my life I would. If i could leave and not scar him I would without thinking. I would rather have my baby alone, this is how sad I am here.

Again, not even sure if I am looking for advice. I am just sad.