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Wish I could see my stepson more.

MrsMurdock's picture

I know it's a strange thing to say about stepkids! But does anyone else wish they could spend more time with their stepchild?

I've only ever met him once because he lives so far away but he's a part of my husband and he means just as much to me as my own son would. He's still a baby and not even 1 yet. Don't start judging me on the fact my husband had a kid and then married me, that is a different story.

My stepson lives thousands of miles away and my husband has to pay so much child support we can never afford to go and see him, we have too many bills ect! We are very good with money so we can hopefully start seeing him 1-2 times a year but it's so expensive!

My other issue is .... yep you guessed it ... BM!!! She is bat Sh** crazy! Gold digging, money hogging, crazy and a terrible mother!

Has anyone had any experience having a toddler stepchild out of state? She won't let us see him without her supervision and we both find it so hard Sad we both want to spend time with him and see him grow but she won't even send us pictures or any updates. My husband asked if his mother could come and see him too when we next go out and her response was no, that's too many people! What???

This is just a rant and wondered if anyone else has the same issues?

MamaFox's picture

He needs to take her to court and get a custody order, so he can see the kid and BM can't legally keep the child away. I bet you could get something like 6mos with dad 6 months with mom and alternating holidays.

Why is there no court order?

MrsMurdock's picture

There is a court order but she has sole legal custody. My husband couldn't afford to fight her because he had just retired from the Military and was just about to start a new job. We are waiting till we have more money to take her back to court but between $500 a month CS and $1200 every time he sees him ... we have no way of saving up Sad

MamaFox's picture

Go to the court house and ask for a modification of custody and a motion to enforce visitation, should cost less that $80 to file both those papers, and you don't need a lawyer for that.

MrsMurdock's picture

Thank you MamaFox! We didn't realise we could do that.

I appreciate your help. I'll see if we can do that here or whether we have to be in the state of jurisdiction.

MamaFox's picture

No problem. It has to be done in the state of jurisdiction though. So plan on it for next time, and bring a copy of the CO. Record every time she's denied him visitation in person or on the phone. Get ready to write a missive about why you feel a custody modification is in the best interests of the kid, and how visitations should go because you will have to attach that to the modification request.

jumanji's picture

6 mos/6mos is a terrible schedule for a little one. How about Dad and Mom switch their home on that basis?

Indigo's picture

In the future, you might want to suggest SKYPEing to develop contact with toddler.

In my situation, I encouraged email w/photos between my toddler and his father who lived in another state and then overseas. Skype is great. You don't have to have the weird, "Hi, David ... this is Daddy" conversations ... perhaps just watch him play with Duplox/Lego blocks while you interact. Watching your SS play is good stuff. Or, make your cat/dog wave at the computer ...

Aside: My father was a Korea/Vietnam era man. I remember being a kid with the radio/telephone calls where we had to say "Over" as I spoke to a man I hadn't seen in 18 months. It was scarey as to a child of an intact family who knew her father. I imagine that it will be tougher for you to work on establishing a relationship in a potentially hostile situation.

All county libraries have internet and most have SKYPE capability. So, don't let the lack of $$ or knowledge of technology frustrate you.

Again. Document, document. Send silly postcards every week. Nothing big $$. Since most printers nowadays can scan, just scan every note and postcard. Some day that child may want to see that their Dad and his wife thought about them as they grew up. Assuming that BM will intercept and throw away all that cannot be documented. (she thinks) You can always bring the file of copied bright postcards, cards, transcripts of text messages, printouts of emails, facebook posts to the court to demonstrate your continued, consistent intent to foster a relationship and to be in your SS's life. Flood them with kindness.

Judge Judy always talks about the passive-aggressive BM's who withhold visitation ... it's wrong. Dad's should support their kidlets. AND, Dad's have the inherent right to visit, to see their child ... even if they are perhaps behind in child support or whatever. He is the child's father and has as many rights as the mother. BTW, some of us BM's do get a bit weird, and I've been silly myself.

Unless there is DOCUMENTED, court-mandated supervision, BM is just blowing smoke up your skirt.

Good luck Smile

OMG_Why_Me's picture

I would suggest going the legal route to get this worked out. Move visitation doesn't have to mean more expense for you alone. Mom would have to assist with delivery/meeting somewhere to share the cost. You can request that also when you go to court.

intrinsicmemory's picture

Navigating the Family Court systems is tedious, but not rocket science. I had a judge apologize to DH during a CS modification for signing the original order (prepared by BM's attorney) without paying closer attention to the fact that it was not completed properly.

If you are willing (don't feel obligated) to help your DH with a Parenting Plan (sometimes called this, sets out visitation and how the child will be raised) and a child support modification, BRAVO! I had to do the brain work for my DH, but he appreciates it every time he sees his paycheck and they aren't taking out $200 a week.

I find men don't have the patience for the kinds of tedious crap you have to do for family court. And you CAN file from far away, you just have to find out how the local (where the child is) court system handles that sort of thing. Many family courts are hearing by affidavit only, as I found out. Good because it keeps the emotional caca outside.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

I can't imagine wanting to see SS15 more. God! Maybe I'd feel differently if he was a cute little baby who couldn't talk yet! Biggrin

Yep, get a court order for visitation.

Orange County Ca's picture

A few generic things. Until the child is ready to go into high school it'll be particularly difficult to get full physical custody. The distance makes week by week sharing impossible. The old saying "It takes a mother to raise a boy and a father to raise a man." often holds true and that's about what the courts do.

Did your husband move away from the baby mothers home? If so he'll be paying to shuttle a school age child back and forth. Prior to that the baby is unlikely to be traveling alone.

Do you have more time than money? Consider the train/bus for your travels. Hitchhiking?

Husband does not need an attorney if he is a good reader, has patience and can parse out legalese. (Legal words/language). Most people can't but obviously I don't know your husband. He can ask the clerk in mothers county courthouse for the file on someone who has represented themselves in court in similar situation - asking for written visitation order. Those records are public information.

Be careful of what you wish for you may just get it. Many a step-mother has admired a step-child from afar only to find that close up the mother has created a monster in their own image.

Calypso1977's picture

there should be a parenting plan in place.

but im not sure how even that would solve OP's issue since MONEY seems to be a big part of why they cant see this kid.

the PP could include electronic communication times, etc.

im wondering of part of BM's problem is related to the backstory you didnt want (or need) to share. if your husband impregnated her then took off with you i can see why she might be pissed unless she was just a one night stand and he didnt find out about the baby until he'd already moved on with life. but how this little boy came to be will probably (unfortunately) dictate how your very long relationship with BM will be. Given that he's 1, your husband is going to be paying for her and this kid for a minimum of 17 years longer, perhaps more depending upon your state and yet to be drafted agreement.

MrsMurdock's picture

Unfortunately she is in the air force and she was stationed out so far away. He hasn't moved for years and we reside in the same place he's lived for a while. We don't like the idea of her being a single mother having boyfriends come and go, child in day car 5 days a week and having no other family close by but my husband and I can't move closer to them. It's just not feasible nor is it doable.... she may get transferred to another air force base. We thought about it and realised we couldn't.

On another note ... I don't want to see anymore of her! I've met her once, I was really nice, we send the child gifts every month including clothes and toys, when I was there I showed an interest to her and the child yet she still hates me! I'm unsure if she wants to be with my DH but shame! I can't be any nicer than I already am to her. She can be crazy towards my husband .... demanding this that and everything else but we deal with it well. We've never argued over it, had one or two heated discussions about the fact that she's in our lives but we compromise and we try to see each others sides of the situation. My DH is very supportive of my feelings towards his son and crazy ex and I'm glad I met him when I did to help him through the hard times.

Unfortunately she doesn't seem like a person who will settle down and get married so in a few years when we have money we are going to try and fight for some form of custody because we can give him a stable environment, with two parents, someone home so he doesn't have to be in day care 5 days a week and hopefully a brother or sister in a few years time when we have kids of our own.

I've been thinking the past few days and I feel we just need to be patient and I need to learn how to deal with BM more, save up quicker to see my stepson more and try and do some research on how to get some of the custody and visitation agreement changed.