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I like two of my stepsons more than the other

Blended4213's picture

In fact I just can't stand the other one. This has been so hard for me. DH has become a little more aware of this SS's negative qualities but he still doesn't correct his negative behaviors like I wish he would. I honestly can't stand to hear his voice or have any kind of conversation with this SS. I actively avoid him. I don't even like to be in the same room as him. I pick up on his negative vibes somehow.

It is hard to be around someone who is arrogant, entitled, a know-it all, bossy, loud, rude, whiny, obnoxious, and worst of all, manipulative. These are the worst qualities in a human being that I can think of and yet my stepson has them. With my other stepsons, they have negative qualities but they are pretty transparent. They don't try to hide the fact they can be bad and when they are, DH calls them out on it. I feel like my middle stepson has DH wrapped around his finger and is very deceitful.

DH will admit that he can be a know-it all and "quirky" yet he allows him to act this way. I like quirky, too, and this kid is just plain obnoxious and annoying. I know my older stepson is in the spectrum, and almost wonder if I can blame some of this kids' behavior on that too? He is gifted academically but socially stunted. He comes in when we are playing a game and tries to take over, he is overly sensitive and tattles on the other kids when he doesn't get his way, and then he wonders why others don't want to spend time with him. This is my biggest challenge with the stepfamily situation so far, dealing with this kid and my negative feelings towards him.

 

Even though my other stepkids can annoy me, I can handle them. This kid's mere presence upsets me. It's like he thinks he's better than others and has too much authority and too little respect for adults including DH and myself. But he knows what to do or say to make DH happy. He's such a suck-up. I know you can't force yourself to like others, as much as I try to see his positives, then he opens his mouth and pisses me off or even just his gestures, his attitude, show he thinks he's got as much control or more than me.
 

The other day making lunch, he and I and the other kids were all in the kitchen and it was getting crowded. He came in after us though, and we were already in the process of making food. I walked by him and something seemed to upset him, he put his arms up in the air like he was mad for some reason and sighed. I just ignored him but inside it bothered me. Like who do you think you are? I can't just walk in my kitchen without you being offended and having attitude? And then I wonder why I care but it's like everything offends him and I'm walking on eggshells because even though he's a kid I want everyone to be happy. If you don't talk to him enough he pouts like you're  ignoring him. He's very much a boy but acts like a teenage girl with hormones and all, he's so passive aggressive. 
 

And DH can't quite see this. I feel like if I really say what I mean DH thinks I hate his kid and SS can't handle my criticism or just regular old discipline without starting issues and making me look like the bad guy.

How do I stop caring what this kid thinks or does? I can't force DH to see through him like I do. And he is aware of these qualities but somehow is the closest to this kid and thinks he is more mature than he is.

GrudgingSM's picture

You're right, you can't force DH to see through the kid. He may never see it, and you don't have to give your fully honest thoughts (that's what this website is for), but you're totally allowed to say "I feel uncomfortable around your son, and I don't want to be left alone with him". That's a boundary and uses "I" language, and if he's going to huff and puff, FINE. When my DH gets huffy about my boundaries with his kids I remind him that I do far more for his kids than he does for mine, and I've never asked him to treat my kid as his own. I also see my kid's flaws. I also have made it clear to him that I'm not interested in forming deep attachments to his kids. I'm happy to be respectful and kind, and if one of them is more interested in developing a relationship in which we both treat each other well and spend more time together, GREAT! But I'm the step. Kids are entitled to my financial support, time, or energy. I'm polite. I'm respectful. And I'm super boundaried. I still haven't stopped being annoyed with them, but I've also been clear about needing breaks with both them and their dad. I get out of the house a lot. I go to our room a lot. And I lurk here as a coping strategy. I wish I had more wisdom than that, but right now I'm just strategizing the years until 18, and I know that even then it might not mean anyone launches. Sigh.

Blended4213's picture

That is all I need right now. To know I'm not alone and vent my feelings so I can be less resentful. It's hard being so close to and see eye to eye with DH on almost everything but this. 
 

I have the same approach as you with the stepkids. I'm also polite and will help out especially if DH asks me too, but have no desire to be more than an aunt-type figure at most. If things happen naturally, that is great but I don't push it. I also need a lot of space from my stepkids and even DH too and he is supportive of this. So glad for this site to be able to talk about these things. It makes me feel less guilty.

JRI's picture

My DH has 2 sons, they are both in their 50's now.  OSS and I always got along, he's a sweet, sensitive person.  He's an introvert, like me.  We still get along.  But YSS was DH's favorite.  He was an athlete and a comedian, the class clown.  He is very witty.  He was the baby of the family and BM's favorite, too.  I think his loyalty to BM was a factor in our cool relationship.

The SKs came to live here full time.  As YSS became a teenager, he became more troublesome with discipline issues at school.  He would not listen to me and DH always covered up for him.  I disengaged.  We stayed at an arm's length distance for years.  Now that he has gone thru some of life's experiences, we are somewhat closer.  I think we both matured.

I still like OSS more.  That's ok, we feel differently toward each person in the world.  I feel bad that he wasnt as favored as YSS, he deserves to be the fave son.  Sigh.