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Wow there is a place to voice these feelings !!

Guiltywickedsm's picture

Submitted by Guiltywickedsm on Fri, 12/20/2013 - 4:54am

I dislike my step daughters!!!! There I said it!!! No one slapped me, but oh, there comes the guilt.
I never wanted to be a wicked stepmother, hell I don't even have my own kids, yes I do count my bull-terrier 3 year old for life.
But somehow they have done it. They have changed the wide eyed hopeful, rose-tinted glasses wearing me into someone who loathes the time the come around. Granted I should not complain. They are older and the last is on her way out of the house but....
Since I may, I would like to start at the beginning so I can really analyze this, and hopefully someone else can take heart.
I started dating "D" at the tail, smoldering end of what I had foolishly believed to be a good relationship. He too was 20 years into a relationship, the likes of which, I can glimpse by the girls personalities.
I knew we needed time to heal before being serious, but dated and maintained the friendship that helped us through the most difficult flaming end of our previous relationships."D" rented a house and prepared for what would be 3 years before I would join him. Everything he does is with his girls, lets call them "A" and "L" in mind.
The spatial distance we maintained was helped by the fact that I was living and studying in NY and he lived and worked in Belgium. We spent as much time as was possible on vacations and chatting on Skype while doing our projects. Truth was and is I'm terrified of his children, 19 or so and early 20 something.
I love "D", his entire quirky self, his driven almost compulsive need to solve problems and move forward. These are qualities that are complementary to my, laissez faire and relaxed attitude. We have taught each other a lot. Ultimately I like his daughters, underneath it all they are sweet girls...really. But there are times, more often than not, that I see this very hurtful ugly side come out, a judgmental, excitable, rude, quickly angered, unapologetic side emerges. Since it is not found in his character, I assume where it comes from. I have never been one to keep that sort of person around me, so having to let it into my personal space, with the risk of it rearing its ugly head, is extremely difficult for me. Supposed to go do stuff I'll be back to continue this. This purge feeling is immense

Comments

farting_glitter's picture

Submitted by farting_glitter on Fri, 12/20/2013 - 8:13am

i don't like DHs' kid either...not even a morsel....it's okay that you don't like your SD's either...you don't have to...and if anyone else tells you otherwise, they are a fool.... Wink

MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

Submitted by MarriedaBalless... on Fri, 12/20/2013 - 11:58am

Hello Guilty and welcome to the forum.

I remember being where you are about 2 years ago. I highly recommend you read the book Stepmonser. I know it has helped me and many other stepmothers immensely.

Here are some excerpts from the book I found extremely helpful

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DISENGAGING
To disengage--to simply try less or stop trying at all--requires accepting a number of truths about being married to a man with children.

*They are not your children.
*You are not responsible for overcoming their upbringing or any emotional or social problems they have.
* You are not responsible for what kind of people they are. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
*These responsibilities belong to your husband, who will likely not raise his kids (or make interventions with his adult kids) the way you would.

Having accepted this reality, you then make a promise to yourself: I will never give them the opportunity to treat me disrespectfully again.

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Submitted by MarriedaBallessWonder... on Wed, 09/05/2012 - 7:30pm.

Reviews on Stepmonster.

I find this review hit the nail on the head.

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"Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us, even if the children are also adults) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.

Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost."

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Here is Wednesday Martin's, the author of Stepmoster, Website:

http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/