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Coounselling update....

lovin-life's picture

Well...we had our joint counselling session yesterday. We discovered how some of our previous relationship "baggage" affects how we argue...and how things escalate..from there

We feed off each others reactions ...

1) if he thinks I'm being distant...
......then he backs off

2) he backs off.....then I feel distant

His x tortured him with constant cold shoulder/silent treatment/being distant/ HE can't stand it....He feels totally unloved/abandoned/alone..etc.. he has a hard time dealing with it (I didn't understand the depth of his feelings on this)

3) when spouse shut him out ....then he would hang out with daughter

That's his comfort place...where he knows he's loved...

4) But.. Him ditching me to hang out with daughter(her first me second)...makes me feel shut out more..and triggers my X issues

5) I felt shut out by my X...(buddy's first me & kids second)...then I go to that place in my head...where who needs this crap ....I am VERY distant

I felt that If I feel so alone all the time I might as well be alone...I won't have the expectations..It's my way to avoid the pain..that comes with disappointment when my expectations aren't met..

.......and so it goes!

I have my triggers.....feeling abandoned
He has his triggers....feeling unloved

That's why little things....can blow up into such big quickly..and we react so intensely...because of all these hidden emotions that get stirred up.

She had us face each other ..and tell each other ..what qualities we love in each other.

YA's not as easy as you would think. It's not something we think of or think to verbalize... he has a million qualities I love...but to sit across from him and express them. We couldn't do it without's like a forgotten art..something that used to happen so naturally..but it got lost in day to day life.

We say love you, hold hands, kiss, snuggle, all the time..but this went deeper. It's a re-connection on that 'you give me butterflies' level we all once had with our partners.

I challenge you all to try it...with your spouse!

The other thing we're going to try is 'dating' and not the same old..go to a movie..our favorite restaurant..etc. Once or twice a month..something different!! He picks one ..I pick the other. Like when we first dated and went new places..did things new or out of the ordinary for our previous daily lives. Discover things together.... Smile


Nise's picture

Thank you for sharing that with us! We do often get comfortable…to comfortable in our day to day! I used to play with my husband’s ears and neck ALL THE TIME and I was doing it last night as we laid down watching tv…and he jumped 10 feet high, started laughing like a 5 year old, BIG SMILE just like he would do when we were dating…and I was like…WOW I didn’t know I could still make you do that and he said…you used to play with my ears/neck like that all the time…you haven’t done it in a while…and I said “really?” b/c quite honestly I didn’t realize that I’d stopped doing that…so you are SO RIGHT ON that we have to keep it new, fresh, ALWAYS even in the day-to-day grind…and still must hold on to the “old stuff” too…THANKS AGAIN! There will definitely be some ear whispering/blowing/sucking/tickling tonight! SMILE!

Make a GREAT Day!

Ms.J's picture

What a great experience for you. It's funny how something so simple can make such a huge difference, and I think it's great that you guys are really putting out such an effort to make it work. I think I'll try that tonight. Maybe when we start to fight tonight (no if's just a when) I'll stop and tell him everything I love about him. Hell, if it doesn't work then at least it'll give me time to think of which issues I want to argue about tonight.