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mgfun13's picture

I am new here. I've got to find someone that relates! I've been a SM for going on 16 years. I'm so tired of the BS and drama my SKIDS have created over the years. It's made my DH into a guilty, unloving, uncaring, balless shrew of a man. I have always felt like the gf or second wife. I hope that's normal! I've actually come a long way..at one point, around 8 years ago, I finally quit letting them use up my head space but with them getting older now, they're creating drama again and using manipulative tactics to get under my skin. For instance, my 21skid is now a stepmom to a little boy. She is not married to the much older man and she is pregnant. This girl goes out of her way to show me what a perfect little step princess she is. Her BM fed her so much BS that now she is overdoing the whole role. I almost feel sorry for the little boy, whom we've never met, because one day she's going to see the light. One thing I learned from this site is that if the BM doesn't want you to have a relationship with you skids it won't happen. That's my life to a tee. The BM hates me. We are from the same town. Everyone knows her. Knows her manipulating lies. She tried so hard to convince everyone I was so bad but there's nothing to show. I've taken her kids in since they were 5 and 10. I've always done as directed by DH. If he needed me to pick up, I did. If he needed me to transport, I did. If he needed me to buy clothes, etc, I did. Anything I did for those children was done out of love for my DH. A few issues have arisen here and there that looking back I should've put the stop on right away but really just had no idea that I could do anything other than love and accept them. BM has now turned these two into entitled assholes. I feel so sorry for my DH, but really didn't he bring this on himself? I mean, maybe he should've have stepped up 16 years ago every time BM tried ( and still tries) to interfere? It was not until October OF THIS YEAR, that he finally blocked her number! We received an invite for a get together for a graduation of sorts. Anyway, we arrive and SS is cordial but SD is cold. Will not speak to us at all. Walked right by and ignored us, including her father and two siblings. This is nothing new. She ignored her father at her HS graduation and leaves him hanging at all her games as well. If BM is there, it's even worse. I don't even know the extent because I quit going. DH husband has quit engaging pretty much in her life as well. She did call to announce to him she was pregnant, to which I should have left the house because his giddy, flirty behavior with her on the phone makes me want to vomit. Someone said something about seeing her name pop up triggers PTSD symptoms and holy cow how do I get diagnosed? OMG! I had an epiphany because that's it! I can't breathe when she calls or they text. I wonder if I could ask DH to step outside to talk to her? Why should I have to leave my home but then again why should he? Ugh, I could go on and on with stories. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to counter this manipulating with her SS that she's doing. I want so badly to learn how to be a manipulating little....but alas it's not me! I'm not like that! Someone just tell me I'm not alone and I'm not horrible. At the very least teach me how to play her games or maybe just disengage altogether!! Thanks for all your input!

Comments

Disneyfan's picture

Please do not assume that all step situations are bad.

Your SD may be dealing with a very different type of BM than you had to deal with. Her spouse may be the type of man who will not think twice about checking his son if he tried to disrespect her. Your stepdaughter may not be the type to bite her tongue while kids in her home attempt to disrespect her.

She may very well have an ideal step situation. That doesn't mean she is trying to show you up.

mgfun13's picture

Good point, very good point! I've just had her since she was 5 so I can see her manipulative ways but you are correct in that all situations are different and I should not have assumed! Thank you for bringing that to my attention! It's nice to be able to talk things out!

ChiefGrownup's picture

Welcome!

Your point about having her since she was five so you know her resonates with me.

I've known Sd only since she was 12 but it's plenty of time to know who she really is. If at some point in her rapidly approaching adult life she starts trying to sweet me up I won't fall for it cuz I DO know who she is. She would have to do several years of truly repentant behavior before I could ever trust her.

mgfun13's picture

Yes!

pinkb's picture

This is a great place to vent, chat, and get other (experienced) folks opinions. Welcome! I know you will find at least some relief.

Food for thought... I am the product of divorce and had a step-mother that (for a long time) I couldn't stand. Now, in this case I had a reason for hating my SM. After all, she slept with my Dad and broke up my parent's marriage but I digress. That being said, any SKid who can't stand their step parent has a reason (maybe right, maybe wrong) in his/her mind why that's okay. And often, they make their step parent's life miserable for sport. I was never a ranging bitch to my SM but we certainly had our moments of discomfort. Ultimately I forced myself to be tolerant and ultimately nice to her because it only made my Dad unhappy if I was a brat because then they would fight.

Fast forward 25y and I'm a SM to a now 21yo SS. His Dad and I have been married since he was 16. I had absolutely NO idea what I was getting into. As you know, being a SM is HARD. Kids in their early 20s now were brought up in the "everyone gets a trophy, everyone gets invited the the birthday party, and everyone has an iPhone and a Facebook account before Middle School..." Definition == ENTITLED.

But, in hope of putting a little light in your Easter. Years later I called my own SM. I told her I had NO idea how freaking hard being a SM is and I apologized for any snippy behavior when I was younger. So, maybe some of your SDs angst is misplaced because now she's dealing with all the things as a SM that you had to deal with years and years ago. There may even be a little guilt in there.

mgfun13's picture

Thank you! You made me cry at the thought of maybe just maybe getting an apology. I don't even care really if she never verbally expresses it, I just want her to see I never did all the things her mother claims.

oneoffour's picture

Welcome.
You may never get that apology. But Karma has a way of delivering 'return to sender'.
At some stage she will see her mother does not have all the answers. right now she is playing mommy to this little boy. And soon she will feel those strong hormones to defend her own child/ren. At this stage the weaknesses will show.
Also she is only 21. Which in retrospect is a horrible age when you think you have all the answers, people look at you for adult responses and you really have no idea of what you are doing.
So consider her a flawed person. She currently has character flaws that do not play well with you character/ personality. Ask DH to take her calls away from you "PLEASE" so he gets privacy to speak to his daughter. When he returns with updates etc just tell him "I hear you!" or "Interesting... now about the kitchen..." Sideline her and her drama from your life. If it all turns into a big fat mess and he wants her to come and live with you just tell him that SD would be so uncomfortable living with you because she doesn't even know you she would be better off living with her mother.
If she thinks she can manipulate she ain't seen mother yet!

mgfun13's picture

Oh what a fantastic approach!!! I almost look forward to her calls now so I can use these wonderful tactics you all have given me!

CANYOUHELP's picture

It is no fun living with somebody who caters to those who hate you (given you have/had no control over of any of it). The more you initially tried, the more it hurts. With 80% of us SM's in the same boat of hatred by our SD's, you know you are anything but alone.

Yes, I know the feeling with the texts and calls. I am thrilled mine does it away from me, but I still wonder what is being hid, even though I know it is best for me too. It must be exactly like PSTD. I know he has inappropriately discussed our marriage before with them , early in our marriage; and they would be all too happy to engage this behavior with him again. I know that is my real fear...I think Karma hit him hard a few times after I found out and I do not believe he does this now, but fully trust him again-I may not ever, wish I could. I know this, and it is what worries me most, he wants to stay in their good graces. To what extent he is willing to do that, will always be my fear, given he is a doormat dadeee in every way. Sickening to watch a grown man act like an abused puppy dog on a leash, so I do not watch it anymore...He is their puppet and for me, at least, the show is over.

But, you are anything--but alone here...welcome to the majority club.

CANYOUHELP's picture

One shock wave after another, I am afraid....put on your electrical current proof suit; we are all surfing the same waves....over time, it is a little less shocking or you just numb out altogether.

A nice bottle of wine and a great friend are the perfect antidotes.

mgfun13's picture

There are times in the past 16 years I have stayed up all night long letting them "in my head." It's a sad sad time when that happens. Luckily I'm getting over that.

mgfun13's picture

Latest dilemma: college invitation sent to our home from SD. It was addressed ONLY to DH. Don't feed me BS that she only got so many invites. They're were not professional invites just a picture of herself in front of a tree. I know the drill, it was done on purpose. I'm not going don't you worry. Well last night my DH practically begs me to go with him, this after a week of him saying he wasn't going. Then he has the balls to say that I'm going with him and that we can rent a cabin for the weekend and stay at the lake on our way back. So bribery. The worst part? He wants our 9yo daughter to walk down and give her brother a card so at least "she knows I was there." So she knows YOU were there. I hate this. I need rum and my pirate patch. Someone please put some sense in my head.

ChiefGrownup's picture

I say let him bribe me you. Make sure the bribe is very good. Something you like.

Go to the ceremony knowing full well your dh is going to act like a lovesick puppy and sd will act like Cruella DeVille. Set your heart on "Who Cares" for that disgusting display. But tune to the ImahaveGOODtime Channel for yourself. Just chat up the people around you, perfect strangers will treat you nicely so stick with them, and just say "I don't know/I'm sure you'll know what's best/How about that?" to everything your dh says/does. Do not solve any of his problems for him while you're there. Just be hell bent on enjoying yourself. It'll drive them all nuts and you'll stay out or the drama (see Who Cares setting above).

mgfun13's picture

That's probably the best compromise, unfortunately. SD is disgusting and yes his display is lovesick puppyish. I'm not sure I can stomach it.