Am I being too protective?
I got upset tonight with DH because I felt like he was being very harsh and critical with my kids regarding their chores after dinner. It was just my kids and not his, which is usually the case, and he tends to be very demanding of how they clean up.
I ended up speaking to him about this, to which he got very defensive and brought up my treatment of his kids, and how he tries to treat mine the same as his. In all fairness, my kids are here almost full time and there are mealtimes he is in charge when I'm working. I leave that to him. But I don't like to be undermined as a parent in my own house. I would never take over if it were just he and I and his kids, I would leave that to him. And I mentioned to him how his tone sounded very critical to which he said he did not know what I was talking about.
Am I not giving him enough freedom to discipline my kids or does he need to step back? Am I overreacting? I feel like sometimes our fights are not even so much about his kids but his parenting and differences with this. I'm feeling very defeated right now and just wanting it to be my kids and I, honestly. After dealing with the stress of his on top of all of this.
SO prefers to parent my kid
SO prefers to parent my kid over his own, because mine doesn't mouth back
He is definitely more critical ofine since his can't even manage to pick up after themselves and he does it for them.
If I catch him doing anything other than giving ,my kid a simple, to the point direction. If he starts nagging him. I shut him down so fast his head spins.
I make sure to remind him how until he can put the same level of energy into his own kids he doesn't get to do it to mine!! Especially since Thier is no reason to do anything more than ask my kid to do something. Because he just does it. He doesn't question authority.
Honestly I think he does it because SKs are so terrible, he wants to feel like he had some influence on at least one kid turning out normal. But that's too bad, focus on your own brats.
That's kind of our problem.
That's kind of our problem. DH can't seem to parent his own kids so I think he's turning to mine to discipline to try to make himself feel better. He might think he treats them all equally but that is so false. He's almost afraid of upsetting his own kids or BM. He will point out things mine did that honestly I don't see as a big deal. Like missing a spot while sweeping, are you kidding me? The way he yells at them it's like they did something way worse and intentionally. At least they are trying and not talking back and trying to avoid doing chores like his do. I think that's what upsets me. He said he will try to not overstep his boundaries so I will be reminding him if he does.
So show dh
That YOU also are a BM that he ought to fear! He needs to butt out. Talk to your kids, make sure they are ok. I am SURE your kids notice the difference in how he treats his kids. He sounds like an ocd jerk.
Do you really want to expose your kids to his rejection and ridiculousness? He is punishing your kids for being decent while his are screwed up.
Rise up, Mamma bear! Do you want your kids to need therapy later in life? No? Then look for an exit maybe. Who knows how he treats your kids when you aren't around? He RESENTS them, sounds like.
Be the BM n MB (Momma Bear) of his nightmares....protect your innocents!!
If you don't teach your kids that being YELLED AT is NOT ok, they may feel that abuse is normal in relationships later in life.
My wife and I have built our
My wife and I have built our 26+ year marriage on the foundational element that equity life partners are also equity parents to any kids in the mix regardless of kid biology. In our case.... I have no BK's, she brought my SS-28 to our relationship. I raised him as my own and in parnership with his mom. We married the week before SS turned 2yo. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.
We did not always agree on parenting or discipline. During those instances I landed on "If you do not like how I parent and discipline then step up and get it done before I have to. If I am in the process of parenting and disciplining then bite your tongue and have my back until we can discuss in private." We both used that upon occassion.
I would suggest that you and your DH have a discussion along these same lines. If you are equity life partners, then you are also equity parents to any children in your home. Yours or his, shared or SKids. IMHO of course.
On this model my DW and I worked out our parenting and disciplinarian differences and together raised my SS to be a really wonderful man and person. Your Skids, and your DH's Skids could benefit from you and he partnering as parents and in inforcing the standards of behavior and performance in your home.
You are very blessed you had
You are very blessed you had a wife who was willing to be an equal partner. Unfortunately in my case my SO is afraid of BMs influence over SKs so he lives in a state of learned helplessness when it comes to parenting his own.
I do expect DS to do what he is told and to be respectful. But I do not support SO placing demands on DS he won't place on his own kids.
The last time we argued about it, DS got home from school and he sent him out to do yard work. DS had tutoring and then wrestling and would be busy until 830pm. I told DS to come in eat and relax for an hour before he had his extracurricular activities.
SO started throwing a fit saying I was letting DS out of his obligations. Umm the kid is busy from 7am until 830pm with an hour break!
Let's look at YSD who can't even be bothered to pick up after herself, SO does it for her because he knows she won't do it and I am not the maid.. She makes messes everywhere. She doesn't do her online schooling, she plays on her phone instead. She doesn't do any school work, she has a zero average and she doesn't know what a chore is.
Yeah I lost my sh$t with SO. That's not going to happen. Not every parent knows how to be a good parent and some aren't willing to learn.
I know I am fortunate.
The standards have to apply to both part time kids and full time kids. If your SO won't hold his accountable... he has no place in holding your kids accountable.
It is sad. For you and for your kids. If he can't parent his own, how can he be an equity life partner for you?
If your DH doesn't cut the
If your DH doesn't cut the crap, or you remove your children from the situation, your kids are going end up resenting YOU for not protecting them.
I just had this same
I just had this same conversation the other day. My son in particular tends to be the one who gets the extra negative attention and I had had enough and blew my stack. I said that I didn't talk to his little brat that way and I expect the same. He then turned it to well I treat my 7 year old different than I treat our 2 year old. Umm, yes. The ages and behaviors are very different and deserve to be treated as necessary. I also reminded him that I am both of their moms and do not favor any of my 4 kids over one another.
Speaking from experience, do stand up for your kids and while they are noticing that they are being treated differently by him.
Allow them to see to a point that your sticking up for them as well because once they get it in their head that you are allowing that type of behavior your kids may begin to resent you as well for allowing them to be treated that way.
If he does not change his ways than I would remove yourself and kids or him from the situation. That is not fair to them and if he is not able to see it than that does not fall on your feet. At the end of the day your kiddos are your one and main priority and don't let them suffer.