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I need a bioparent's advice

ocs's picture

The situation is this....

SD12 and I used to get along... we had the beginnings of a friendship and i have spent 2yrs getting there. I tried to be a role model and friend, conspirator and generally someone she could be comfortable around. (go to the mall, hang out a little, go swimming)

I have no use for her BM and neither does DH. She is batsh!t and just a horrible person- Karma will get her, but I'm impatient.

DH has her EOW and about 3 months ago something flipped and DH experienced some particularly bad PAS by BM and did not see his daughter for about 6 weeks. He missed her horribly and I do support every chance he has to see her, even though I have no wish to be around. (It does make me insane the hoops he jumps to see his daughter and it makes me resent BM and SD12)
SD12 and BM said some horrible things to him, many of these things the 12 year old is just parotting what her BM says.

As a result, it becomes apparent that I'm the bad guy, and that she doesn't particularly like me and is just putting up with me because she doesn't want to anger her father. She likes it when I'm not around. Initially, I felt like she had punched me.

Now I feel indifferent and just don't want her around. Her bio-dad of course, has forgiven everything she said, and is just trying to put the relationship back together. (she was HORRIBLE to him.)

I know a bio parent can forgive everything, but how do I explain that I can't? I feel like I invested a lot of time for nothing. Like whatever I do, it's not going to matter?

3familiesIn1's picture

As a bio parent - I don't know how I would recover from that. I would likely forgive after some heart to hearts, but I would not forget.

I also know as a bio parent that if either of my daughters did that to their bio father - I would be stepping in to correct them strongly.

Let me just state, I have no use for my XH - but he is the father to my children and for that reason no matter what he is to be respected by his children. He is their only father and enabling disrespect to him will do me no good nor my bios any good.

The problem is - you stated it, SD was parroting BM. That is 3/4 of the problem on this site always. These kids are trained and encouraged which is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Now when my skids intentially hurt DH, which they do, I find this much much harder to forgive and I never forget - it just builds and builds. One of the reasons I keep my distance from SS today is that I am betting he is going to rip DHs heart out when he gets older based on today actions and I will have to be there to pick up the pieces. I am preparing to be there for DH, not SS. I married DH, not SS. I can't control BM or SS or SD. I can only control and prepare myself.

You have nothing to explain. You don't have the bond that can heal. You have no bond - if you feel you have to discuss it with DH - try to get him to put himself in your position by him seeing your heart ripped out by one of your relatives like a niece or nephpew and how he would feel about that person afterward. He will not be able to see it otherwise.

ocs's picture

He is the best man I've ever met. He's the man that constantly surprises me about the depth of feeling I have for another human being.

He said to me, "I will spend my time with SD elsewhere if that is what you want. I don't want the two of you miserable. I am asking you to be the bigger person and understand she is a child that is being manipulated by her mother. You haven't been trying with her lately, you are cold and distant."

I told him I felt zero bond, and both of us seem content there. He wants us to be closer. When I said I'm her friend, he said no- you're her acquaintance.

I think my feelings are hurt because he seems to have forgotten the 'bonding' I tried before. We never did anything the two of us without DH, but we did things the 3 of us together and it was fun. He wants me to figure out something we have in common and do something with her.

I was non committal as I also don't want to force myself on her. The guilt I feel right now is overwhelming. I feel selfish and like a bad person that I can't rise above a 12 yr old.

Purplemom's picture

What does he say to her about all of this? Is she being tol to try, and that she will respect the other adults in her life or else? He shouldn't be forcing the two of you together, it will just add presure to the situation and eventually it will blow up- most likley in his face- but because his kid can't be at fault guess who will get the blame? YOU.

ocs's picture

oh god...

the 'daaaaaddddddyyyyyyyyy' doesn't end???????????????????

luchay's picture

No - I am fully expecting SD11 and SS8 to be doing the "Daaaaaddddddyyyyyyyyyy" til the day I die.....

:sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

Pilgrim Soul's picture

I can feel your pain. I am the same boat myself but my skids are older. Here are a few ideas to help you look at it differently.

PAS: i found Amy Baker's book Adult Chilrdren of Parental Alienation very helpful and thought-provoking. I attended her workshop recently and loved her insights. She is a researcher who has studied PAS. Another great tool to turn your thinking around is Welcome Back, Pluto - a DVD meant for kids ( middle school - age) about the whole unhappy and unhealthy situation in PAS families. The guy who is behind is, Richard Warshak, is another researcher of PAS. I love him! between the two of them, Baker and Warshak explain the complex PAS dynamic pretty clearly.

As for my personal experience, i ma struggling with what to do about my relationship with my 2 younger skids ( 16 and 21) who were complete assholes to hy DH after a death in his family. I was equally horrified by their selfish attitude, callousness and to the bone, and by my DH's eagerness to forgive, forget and move on as if nothing had ever happened. They are victims of child abuse ( PAS) and now act as victimizers. The fact that i brought them into my kids' lives does not let me sleep at night. At this point, i am trying to disengage from them ( but not so much their older sister) with mixed results.

I can understand my DH - when you have the bio connection it is easire to forgive and move on. I cannot do either.. .i am stuck.

emotionaly beat up's picture

My husband has three children, all adults when I met them. His daughter clearly has mental health issues. However, my husband does not recognize that, so in reality he sees her as a normal right minded person. He actually thinks that I need to be the bigger person, that I need to remember I am the adult here. Now this is funny because his daughter is 30, has a live in boyfriend and a daughter of her own. Don't know how she is not an adult, but daddy doesn't seem to think she is.

It never ends, they always look at their daughters as babies and expect us to coddle these little ones until we go to the grave.

In return we get left out, isolated, treated like crap, are disrespected and outright told we are not part of "their" family, that we never will be, and if the words are not spoken as such, the actions make it loud and clear. They make other family members feel sorry for them, and start a gang war against us.

If this is not dealt with now when she is 12, you can expect much, much worse from her when she is 21.

If I had my time over I would have spoken up, I would have expected to be treated with respect in my own home, I would have expected manners and civility from his adult offspring. Instead I put up with it for 8 years until I finally banned her from my home. I should have banned her the first time she came into it. Because I didn't, I have lost 8 years of my life, I lost my self esteem, and I lost my confidence. Now I am working on getting these things back and I am 60. Your SD is 12, old enough to have some manners and to know right from wrong. Treat her as such because the more you ignore her bad behaviour, the more she will dish out, and the more your husband will expect you to put up with. Set some standards for yourself, and some rules and boundaries for your home, and EXPECT her to conform or dad can visit her elsewhere. Do not leave your own home because she wants you to, and dad wants her to be happy. Let them visit in the park.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well, I still have about 6 weeks to go before I am sixty but I am already using the.....I'm 60, and I'm done with putting up with everyone's crab. If there is anymore crap to be dished out in my life now, I'm the one who will be dishing it. It seems like only yesterday I was 30, and I sure as hell did not behave like a spoilt 2 year old brat when I was 30 and I won't be putting up with anyone who does when I am 60. They have all been put on notice, party is over guys open your mouth to be rude or disrespectful to the old woman and the old woman will slap it shut for you. Biggrin

luchay's picture

Yes, as a few have said - this girl is 12 years old.

Has she been told to apologize to either of you for her hurtful actions and words?

Despite the fact that it was BM's instigation this girl is old enough to know right from wrong, and needs to be made accountable now for going along with it.

Explain to your DH that you tried for 2 years, and thought things were going really well, that you and SD were developing a good bond. SD's behaviour destroyed that bond, and you are now very hurt by her words and actions, and NO it is not up to you to just forgive and brush it under the carpet. She needs to understand that her actions have repercussions. Explain to your DH that his daughter has trashed the last two years of your life, and that his daughter needs to work at mending the fences she broke. Be civil to her when she is there, but that at this point you don't feel able to do any more than that until the sd makes some effort herself to fix what she broke.

At 12 she is way past old enough to understand that when you do wrong you try and fix it.