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I don't know what to do for the best.

Shelly015's picture

Hello all, 

 

So this is my first post.  Here goes with a little bit of background I've know my husband for 5 years. We got married in Sept 20. We moved in to our house about 18 months after meeting each other with my 3 kids (10, 14, 16) and his two (7, 10) which are with us for 7 out of 14 nights. About six months after moving in his kids stopped talking to me. My husband was made aware of this at the time and I asked him to talk to them (he didnt) slowly over the last couple of years its got worse they don't even acknowledge my existence. If I am talking they will walk in the room and talk over me or completely ignore me like I'm not in the room. They won't say please or thank you for any thing . They would rather go hungry for the whole day than talk to me.

Since getting married things have got progressively worst in as much as they won't talk to my kids any more  we can't even sit at the same dinner table anymore due to their ill manners and inability to behave in a considerate way. They even go as far as saying to my son when he goes to their shared bedroom that he has to get out while they are here. Again i have spoken to my husband to talk to them. He seems to lack any ability to discipline his kids they have no respect or manners and are never corrected.  My son hadn't even finished his mouthful of food last night and he was being punished by my husband for not doing his chores. Of course I stepped in when the kids where out of earshot but he didn't like it and went off to sulk for an hour or so. 

Surely after six months of marriage we should still be loved up and flying high on happiness yet I am sat in my room hiding from two kids so that he can have time with them while they are here.  I shouldn't even be thinking this way but I think I have made a mistake in marrying him. The only problem I have is my kids are attached to him and we all get on fine when his boy aren't here. 

I have tried so hard with them, to build a friendship  but I get it thrown back in my face everytime.I have asked them if we can do something together which I got a silent reply from one and a why would I want to do anything with you from the other. They are just so ungrateful for anything I do  Christmas is a prime example. I did all the Christmas shopping this year and every other year. This year the boys had been going on about stunt scooters so that's what I bought them with the arm pads and helmets and a load of hoodies and other things I couldn't really afford. They opened their present stood up and looked at their dad and said their presents were rubbish and I shouldn't have bothered because they have better stuff at their mum's house. They stayed with us for just over a week and everyday all I heard was it was the worst Christmas every because they got the worst presents. 

I just need my husband to man up and put them in their place and give me some sort of sign that I should hang in there but when they are here we only communicate by text as they will interrupt the second we start talking. Which of course my husband will respond to them and tell me to wait. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

First off stop doing anything for them. Why would you. They treat you like a stranger so act like one.

I don't do a single thing for OSD and do not go out of my way to interact with her. 

YSD tells me I'm not her mother so I make sure to maintain that boundary. She wanted friends over the other night. Her father had to work the next day. I said I am not watching or entertaining them that's something a parent would do. So SO had to tell her no. 

Shelly015's picture

I have taken that response recently. They complain when I cook so now DH gets to cook. DH tells me that he think me engaging with them will help just like his response to me this morning when he gave me a mother's day card from them  was they have to learn. My response was I'm not their mum so no they don't have to learn they haven't spoken to my in well over a year so why give me a card . 

tog redux's picture

Is any of this driven by parental alienation - ie, their mother is expecting them to shun you? I agree to stop doing anything and everything for them, your DH can do it all.

Marriage counseling might help as well. He sounds terrified of his own kids, which doesn't bode well.

Shelly015's picture

He terrified by his ex as well as the kids. He has a classic case of guilty fathers syndrome but won't accept it. His answer to any thing I suggest is that he knows its his fault. I am pushing for marriage counselling but I fear he will delay. 

tog redux's picture

If he delays then go by yourself to figure out what you can control in this situation.  These things usually don't end well - if he sets limits, the kids will start refusing to come over, and he will likely blame you. At the same time, you shouldn't have to live like this.

Evil4's picture

I went through being shunned by my SD31 for over 7 years while the bitch lived with us full time. It's soul-destroying and abuse to experience being treated that way. 
 

Your DH telling you to engage puts the onus on you. It isn't on you at all. It's on your DH to step up and defend his wife. My therapist told me that SD should have been consequenced for shunning me and that should have included her not being permitted to come to my home as long as she acted that way. Also, my therapist told me to stop trying. I have my coaching credentials so I gave myself the assignment to try to make contact with SD three times a day. It went on for years and at every one of my attempts to engage with SD she rejected me. My therapist told me to stop trying and to shun the bitch right back because by trying I was setting myself up for blatant rejection three times a day and SD was getting off on the power.

DH quit marital therapy because the therapist ripped him a new one for failing me and his other kids, one of whom is our DD20. 
 

I ended up being diagnosed with a form of PTSD and I had to put DD into therapy at age 15 because it's extremely damaging for a child to witness their mother being treated that way and to be so rejected by someone in their household. Kids grow up to repeat what they know so after a couple of emotionally abusive BFs who expected DD to accept shoddy treatment from someone in order to hang onto the BF I put DD into counselling again.

I strongly advise you to take your kids and move out. You can put your marriage on hold if you really don't want to lose your DH but I really don't know why you'd want to stay with him after he expected you and your kids to be treated so horribly and after he failed to protect you and your kids from abuse. And yes, it IS abuse.

I spent years in therapy after going through the shunning because it's so damaging to not only be in that situation but to have your own spouse fail you and put the onus on you. Also, the SKs won't change. My SD is 31 and is worse than ever. When these bastards grow up they can are way more calculating and ramp it up. 

shellpell's picture

If they're like this at 7, 10, imagine when they get bigger and meaner. I think it was a mistake marrying this man and subjecting yiurself and your kids to this ABUSIVE treatment. You're supposed to protect your kids. They will grow to resent you for failing to do so so you can stay married to this spineless excuse for a man.

simifan's picture

You have a serious DH Problem. Being Shunned is abuse. Your DH is allowing you to be abused in your own home & blaming you for it. He needs to man up or this "marriage" will never last. I dount he would allow them to treat a teacher like this but his wife is due less respect? 

Thought-i-had-this's picture

Oh man, I have never had that kind of disrespect from a child in my life. I'd have taken their presents back to the shops and never brought them anything again!!!!

So...forgetting the kids here, do you even want to be married to him? You say the kids are attached, well they can still see eachother if you separate.

I dont understand what you think you are worth as a person...but surely you think you're worth more than being a ghost? What's the matter with you? Wake the fuck up, you're losing time in your life...and for what?! 

Some things are worth sacrifices...but urmm....nope not this. Sorry, and I really hope you find a way of life that you really deserve.

Rags's picture

You are equity life partners, that makes you equity parents to any kids in your home. Your DH has no issue disciplining your children, so... grow some testicular fortitude and parent his children. He doesn't.

This includes climbing up his kids' asses when they try to eject your son from his room.

What is so appealing for you about this failed man, failed father, and failed husband?  What makes you think that your kids are benefiting from seeing you tolerate this crap,ftheir mother as the target of blatant disrespect from your rmate and his children?

You have to value yourself and up your game in what is acceptable to you in a partner.  Good luck  Take care of you.

Stepdrama2020's picture

This whole situation is not fair to you and your bios. All of you are being abused by the peanut gallery and DH does nothing. DH's silence makes him dang complicit. Think about it your DH does not care all too much that you and your kids are being shunned and abused. 

You can protect your kids by leaving. You can protect yourself by leaving.

Do not waste your life with regrets.