I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I feel like the most horrible person in the world, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with my SS.
A little background: My SS is currently 6 1/2. I married his father about 2 1/2 years ago. I have two daughters of my own who are now 13 and 14. SS lives with us because his BM committed suicide two months after he was born. Here's where I really start to sound evil - I think she took the easy way out.
I adore my husband and I commend him for taking responsibility for raising his son after his wife killed herself. But, especially being a spoiled only child himself, he had no idea how to parent. He pretty much left the raising of his child up to his parents and a nanny. Every single one of them spoiled the crap out of this kid because they felt sorry for him. Other than my husband, the rest of them STILL do. He was almost four when we married and no one had even tried to potty train him. He was still drinking from a bottle. They were all treating him like a fragile little baby. And he was completely.in.control. He didn't know how to ask for anything, he literally pushed his 70 yo grandma around and it was always his way or the high way. It's like they thought he was Damien the Omen or something.
I had raised my girls alone for 10 years. I taught them to be independent, respectful, kind, appreciative and obedient. The exact opposite of this child that I inherited. So there I was, married again after a decade AND expected to be this very difficult boy's only mother.
At every turn, it has been pure hell. I've battled my SS, my husband, his parents and the boy's nanny over everything in an effort to mature this very babied and coddled child and somehow turn him into a good man eventually. I've thrown my entire life into undoing the damage done by everyone else, to the detriment of my own sanity, my bio children and sometimes even my marriage. In 2 1/2 years I have been the reason he's out of diapers, off the bottle, knows how to say "please," cleans up after himself, doesn't scream at people, can actually manage to have friends, does things on his own, etc. I'm the sole reason he has any hope of making it this world.
And I cannot stand the child.
He cries about ridiculous things, mostly stemming from not getting his way. He refuses to eat anything I cook and throws a fit if I serve him anything he doesn't want. He's CONSTANTLY talking and CONSTANTLY running around. He NEVER STOPS, not even when he's alone. He whines when I tell him to do anything. And he expects the world to revolve around him in every situation. Not to mention that he's annoying as hell. Even his father never wants to be around him. My husband takes every opportunity to get away from him, which usually leaves him in my hands. He causes SO MUCH STRESS in our house that we continue to send him to his nanny every Saturday night, even though she spoils him, just so we can get a break.
And that's where it gets weird and why I put this under Blended Family Issues. One second my husband is saying that he has to get away from his annoying kid. The next second he's excessively hugging and kissing on his son and telling him how awesome he is. One second my husband is telling me to do whatever it takes to discipline his son. The next second he's coddling and consoling him because he got in trouble with me. And the kid hangs on my husband and follows him around like a puppy, brushing up against him and just showing weird, almost inappropriate, affection. When his dad is around, he turns into a baby again. All of a sudden, he can no longer play on his own and whines about everything. My husband is constantly worrying about the kid. Every time he has a runny nose, he thinks he's dying and makes me take him to the doctor. Meanwhile, if I or my girls are sick, who cares? He has this unnatural obsession with his son, YET he has mentioned many times that we should just send him away to his maternal grandparents. They have a really strange, codependent relationship that in my mind is not healthy and certainly will not help turn this very wimpy boy into a man. It literally makes me sick.
Here's the thing. If I met any other person who acted like my SS does, I would hate them. I would never befriend them. I would never want to be around them. Yet here I am, assigned to be his mother. Expected to love him as my own. Expected to give up my life and my freedom (I would've had no kids in the house four years from now had it not been for him) and time with my own children to deal with his crap. I basically just spend every single day pretending to care about this kid and catering to him so that my husband won't leave me. It's exhausting. I'm almost 40 and feel like I've aged 20 years in the past 2. I am committed to my husband, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. This child is killing me. And of course I can't talk to my husband about it because his son is the most important thing in his life. It's just so unfair that I got stuck with this kid and my husband gained two beautiful, wonderful stepdaughters (and a wife who puts up with a whole lotta crap).
Sometimes I just want to run away. I can't imagine spending another 12 years raising this child.
Wow, there's a lot going on
Wow, there's a lot going on there. Just going to address a few things that stood out:
1. Your DH is giving into SS because of guilt over SS's BM's suicide.
2. DH is freaking out about SS's sickness because he is affraid of loosing him...also because of BM's suicide.
3. You DO NEED A BREAK, if the current Nanny has a negative affect on SS's behavior, find a new one that will support you in your effort to help this child.
4. If SS is starting to show improvement around you, and enjoying himself, try video'ing some of the times he is behaving like a normal 6 1/2 yr old & interacting with other children positively, then (you may have to pretend) but tell DH you want to show him how much fun SS had today. Maybe then he will come to expect that same behavior from him when he is around.
5. Have DH or SS ever received couseling for the effects BM's suicide had on their lives?
My first husband committed
My first husband committed suicide as well. It is very natural for the surviving parent and others to feel guilt. I bought my BS a Mustang when he turned 19. I didn't see it then but I was trying to make it up to him because I felt responsible for his dad's death. I had other ways of making it up to my BD.
It's also very destructive. He needs discipline, boundaries, guidance and he needs love. He's most likely confused, especially if his world has changed suddenly.
You HAVE to talk to your husband about it. Under the best circumstances inconsistent discipline produces troubled kids. Imagine what it's like for a kid who has went trough something as traumatic as he did.
You said "I basically just spend every single day pretending to care about this kid and catering to him so that my husband won't leave me." Are you his wife or his nanny? If your husband is the type of guy who would leave you because you aren't parenting his child to his standards, I would pack his bag for him. If he's committed to the relationship and you tell him how difficult this is for you, and how you feel something has to change I think he will listen.
Until you get Daddy on board
Until you get Daddy on board nothing is going to change. Unfortunately men rarely change. Daddy has done a good job of turning you into the ogre whilst keeping himself away from any disciplining therefore being the hero of the day.
If you can't get him to agree to counseling and soon start to parent then I see only one way out and that's out the door.
In addition to or if he refuses counseling then buy him the book linked below. But don't expect him to read it.
Amazon book: http://www.amazon.com/Spoiling-Childhood-Well-Meaning-Parents-Children/d...
Your husband sounds like an
Your husband sounds like an awful parent. The poor kid would be better off with his grandparents.
I don’t have anything to
I don’t have anything to offer in terms of advice. You have my sympathy being in this situation. Honestly, what you are dealing with is far greater than anything most people could handle myself included. Let’s not forget how this situation could be negatively impacting your children as well. I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like as a child to grow up knowing your entire life that your real mom is dead and that almost all of your peers have something you don’t have. Then, I think of your husband and his family/nanny. It sounds like they were never properly equipped to understand how to raise a child who has gone through such a significant loss. This may sound crazy but they probably did the very best they could in terms of raising this child *in this situation*. Actually, I should say they did the very best *they* thought they could.
Clearly they have failed in trying to raise this child as it sounds like all the key milestones have been missed. Unless he has a mental handicap or illness they’ve failed him and the brunt of all of this is falling on your shoulders. In my view you’re not equipped to deal with this child and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you can no longer deal with your SS there is nothing wrong with that. Yes, I understand there is a stigma associated with giving up on a marriage but I really don’t see how you can be expected to do more and deal with more. I’m in a situation right now where my relationship with my live-in is going to end. Part of the reason has to do with her own children. There are other reasons but her children factor in. Like you, I can’t imagine dealing with another 12 years of the temper tantrums, rude and self-centered behavior, and other mental issues. I’ve dealt with far less than you have and there has come to a point in my life where I’m at a cross roads. I’ve decided I’m going to end things because there’s no way I can marry her and her children. I don’t love them. I’m indifferent toward them. Sounds like you’re the same way with your SS.
OK, I’m just rambling a bit here but I feel you have a *right* to be happy and to live the life that you see fit because right now it sounds like your husband is living the life that he sees fit….and it sounds to me he sees it fit that you take care of him when he can’t deal with his own son and it seems like he can’t deal with him a lot of the time.
This child may have lost his
This child may have lost his mother, but he was too young to remember it or to have any real attachment yet. Had the adults around him acted normally this kid would have never known the difference. I lost my dad when I was 11. I never knew the man and I don't even think I cried at his funeral. Not the same thing as losing a parent one is emotionally attached to. It did not affect me. One cannot feel loss over something they never had. Now if the child was four when his mother died then I would feel sorry for him.