Pregnant Step Mother needs some advice...help me, please!
There is a lot of background but I'm going to keep this as short as possible.
My husband has a child from a one night meeting. He wasn't notified until the child was 18 months old. He won joint legal and joint physical custody of his son shortly after. My Husband is a good man, husband, and wonderful father. I first met my step son when he was 19 months old... my husband and I have been friends for years but got married two years ago. My step son is the second love of my life. We have a great relationship and are well bonded... we are a family.
When my husband and I got engaged, the boy's mother was told. She filed to move out of state 2 weeks later. Just last year, the court permitted her to move and take the now 7 year old with her. She has custody during the school year and we have him for the summer and some holidays. He's had a great deal of trouble adjusting to being without his dad for long periods of time, his school work is sufferring and he's exhibiting regressive behavior.
I am currently 8 months pregnant with our first baby. The older brother is extremely excited and can't wait for the birth. He will be spending the summer with us. My husband and I felt that the 7 year old could benefit from couseling this summer because of his behavior and all the adjustments.
Here's the problem:
The mother has agreed to counceling and will be coming here to meet with the therapist at the beginning of the summer. She requested a joint meeting with my husband-- understandable--- but she specifically wants to discuss the blended family issue and the new baby--- and she doesn't want me present. I am NOT happy about this. I don't feel that she has any right to exclude me from a conversation about my marriage, and my biological child. I've tried for the past several years to create a friendly relationship with her. She's been nothing but rude to me. I could understand it, if she were an ex wife... but they never had a relationship. Now she wants to discuss my marriage and my child as it relates to her. I am not comfortable with this. Any advice? DO I or my baby have any privacy rights here?
Your husband needs to step up
Your husband needs to step up here and state the facts you are his wife and if she has anything to say about his family it should be done with you all present.
My Dh also had 2 week
My Dh also had 2 week relationship that produced my ss. Who we DH and I found out about when he was 18 months old. SS is 6yrs old now and we have custody. Bm directs all conversation to Dh and if Dh thinks we need to discuss it Dh calls Bm back. Because I (sm) doing all the running around going to t-ball games, feeding, My Dh respects my feeling and has told Bm that she has to respect them also. We, DH Sm and Bm are working towards trying to do what is right for ss. Its hard sometimes your Dh will have to put his foot down with Bm.
How did you guys get
How did you guys get custody??
You definitely have the right
You definitely have the right to be there and she needs to be told this whether it's by your husband, his attorney or by you just showing up on the day. Step-parents have rights- you are a part of this childs life and if she will be there I'm sure he'd want you there also. If you do not want to be there but dont want you or your baby being talked about with her then maybe your husband can suggest this to the counsellor- that it not be a topic she needs to talk about.
Hi Priscilla09, Two things
Hi Priscilla09,
Two things come to mind - Firstly, you have got rights, but in this situation its up to your husband to stand up for them and ensure they're respected. You might not be the parent of this child, but that doesn't mean you aren't a team when it comes to solving issues that relate to him. Your husband needs to stick to his guns on this one and let her know, as kindly as he can, that you will have a huge impact on their child and not including you is simply impractical. He needs to let her know in no uncertain terms that you won't be divided on this.- If she feels that strongly about your presence, she can always see the therapist on her own.
Secondly, are you sure it's worth the stress to have a meeting with this woman? She sounds like a waste of your time and energy and if she is as irrational as she sounds, it may not do you (or your stepson) any good to attend this meeting (let's be honest, how helpful will this meeting be if that's her attitude?). Your husband can represent you as a team by discussing things through with you beforehand (like how you're going to introduce the baby, letting her know your stepson is considered member of 'your family' and that is how it will stay.etc) and sticking to them during the meeting. You've got your own little bundle to worry about at the moment and as long as you feel like your husband is supporting you, you may want to re-consider whether its really worth it.
If an ex partner is not interested in having a healthy, communicative relationship with you, they are not your responsibility.
I hope this is useful!
Delilah.
Do not allow her to talk
Do not allow her to talk about your life without you not being present.Tell your husband that this is not appropriate.She is jealous. That's all.
I would think that any good
I would think that any good counselor would insist at meeting with BM and DH without you. And then with DH and you without BM. Since she is going to be helping SS deal with the adjustment, she really needs to get a good feel for how the adults interact with each other. It is possible that, even though he is excited about the baby, that SS has expressed concern to his mom about where he will fit in at your house once the new baby arrives.
It may make you more comfortable to have your meeting with her before BM has hers.
So, why are you even
:jawdrop: :? :? :? :?
So, why are you even discussing family counseling with someone not in your family? BM is not part of your family and has no business even expressing an opinion much less meeting YOUR family therapist and dictating who attends YOUR family therapy sessions and what is discussed during YOUR family therapy sessions.
Time for DH to sack up and put his foot up BM ass and force her back under her out of state rock where she belongs.
His visitation time, he decides what happens during that time and he needs to give BM absolute clarity that she has one choice ... to STFU. She gets no say over what BioDad does with his time with HIS son.
You, DH and YOUR SS are going to family therapy. BM is not and should not be in the picture at all.
IMHO of course.
If BM has joint legal, DH/SM
If BM has joint legal, DH/SM will NOT be able to block mom from meeting with the counselor. Nor can DH put the child in counseling without BM's permission. DH can refuse to meet with the counselor and BM together. I still think the best option is for SM/DH to meet with the counselor, then BM meets with the counselor (with or without DH) and then the child starts counseling.
you should be there plain and
you should be there plain and simple...your husband needs to stand up and say that....she is doing what they all do..this is normal for her..your husband needs to let her know you will be there no questions asked...if he doesn't you will start feeling resentful and hurt...so he can go ahead and step up and eliminate all of that in the future..some men are dumb in that way and they don't know what else to do...he is actually very lucky you love his child...your husband is a lucky man....be careful with this situation and keep yourself calm...you are pregnant and that's the most important piece here...i feel for you in all this drama..i am seven months pregnant and the drama never ends with my step son his mother and my husband...so take care of that baby:):) hugs to you sunshine!!!!!!!