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How to resolve this?

Mumofsix22's picture

Looking for advice on how best to resolve this please? I have 3 skids and 2 daughters with 1 ours baby boy. Eldest skid has always been a challenge with accepting 3 years ago but this has now turned to hostility and anger towards both me and my daughter (7) who is with me full time. Her baby brother she has little to no interest in at all. 

so when our relationship first start BM was so angry she went on angry outbursts about me and posted online etc and had all her friends and family harassing and stalking me. She referred to me as n*gga, p*ki etc and other derogatory names and the children would come and repeat "my mum said my dad doesn't even like brown people etc" (obviously OH is white and I am mixed race with mixed race children". 

i have never responded angrily and always tried to stay composed for the childrens sake and tried my best to carry on as normal. So BM took it up a notch and befriended my abusive ex husband of 10 years and his girlfriend and started to form an "alliegance" and planned to take out my daughters with hers away from us. This obviously sent me into a spiral given the previous hate crime towards us. I tried to ask her not to do it anymore and this led to her summons to court to try to torture her ex husband some more. It was threw out of court as the evidence all points toward how abusive she actually is towards us.


In a moment of emotional and frustration for not standing up for myself and allowing her to get through to my youngest daughter, I posted a silly 15 second video dancing online quoting all the horrible racist things she has said to me. I think more to show people how much I really have had to tolerate and been nothing but loving and kids and supportive to the children.


So now teen skid texting dad to say she’ll only come if he stays away from me/stays in her nana house etc etc he would usually agree but this time stayed consistent saying that’s fine we’ll get together soon and talk and all resolve every thing etc she has blocked and unblocked him a few times… and gave him a few alternatives “if you drop me off here I will come and stay” to which he said I am happy to drop you off but you’re not staying over until all resolved. So come to today and he calls me and says he’s with her in work (he owns business so can do that) and he’s dropping her to friends the afternoon. I’m a bid confused on the situation and feel like we’re now on different pages again. Also feel vulnerable for the upcoming weekend as she will no doubt start to give him his conditions and I personally think it’s better for the whole family if it’s resolved with me before she comes to stay over again and I will look like the monster step mum banning her over while daddy plays nice in work time alone.


Hi can I resolve anything moving forward but try to stay disengaged?



Winterglow's picture

You tell him she's not setting foot in your home until SHE makes sincere amends, including apologies to you and each of your children for her shitty, insulting and racist behavior. She's quite old enough to know better. 

Let him have the relationship he wants with her away from your home. 

Maxwell09's picture

You do not need to be left alone with any of his children. Nor should you leave any of your children alone with his children. Despite your efforts, BM has at the least raised a manipulative, if not racist, child. 

ESMOD's picture

If I am reading this correctly.  You posted a public social media video basically calling out bad things BM had said about you in a way that publicly would shame her.

While I am not in any way supporting her use of those tactics/words etc.. you do understand that so publicly airing dirty laundry was not going to lead to any positive outcome with your SKids... so now this skid really is not happy with you and doesn't want to see you.. and from her POV.. despite the negative treatment her mom displayed.. you still attacked her mother in her eyes.. and she doesn't want to deal with you as a result.

Are you sorry you posted the video? did you take it down?  did you apologize to BM and/or SD for posting somethign like that publicly?  How does your husband feel about what you posted?  does he support it? or did he wish you had not made private issues public?

Don't get me wrong.. you absolutely have the right to stand up for yourself.. but it should have been directly to BM when she said things.. not necessisarly putting a video online about it.. which could be taken a lot of ways.. and isn't meant to solve anything.



Kaylee's picture

The OP probably doesn't need a lecture at this point. 

While posting a video isn't something I would do, I can understand her frustration and why she did it. 

Also, she didn't directly name the BM in it did she?

ESMOD's picture

My point is that it is going to be hard to resolve because of it... if  her DH couldn't protect her before.. he wont' do it now.. so I'm not sure there is any resolution.

ndc's picture

I would let SO know that his daughter is not welcome in your home so long as she is making cruel and racist remarks to you and your children and being disrespectful.  SO can see her elsewhere.  If he's not willing to do that for you, my home would no longer be his home.  His teenager has crossed the line and stomped on it a few times, and my daughter would not be exposed to her hate.  You need to protect yourself and your daughter because your SO doesn't appear to be doing so.  

Mumofsix22's picture

I sadly think this is the resolution as we've tried space a few times to help "resolve" and it always seems to be world war 3 the second she comes to stay. I'm definately at the end of the line with it all. I've lost months of my time with all the court rubbish that I could of been looking after my baby. Thanks for taking time to respond

lieutenant_dad's picture

So what has your DH done to get BM to leave you all alone? What did he tell his daughter when he found out about the video? I understand that he wants a relationship with his daughter, but perhaps it's time he says "why are you mad at SM when your BM is the one who said those awful things?"

Would I have stirred the pot with the video? No. I'd likely apologize to SD and tell her I'm sorry it embarrassed her (as I'm sure that's part of it and likely an unintended consequence of what you did). But this also becomes a teaching moment for your DH to have with SD and address some of the crap that has been coming from BM. If SD wants to be loyal to her mom, so be it. But DH needs to make it abundantly clear that BM's behavior - and the full extent of it - is garbage.

Mumofsix22's picture

I tried to reply to this and it booted me off. So I think this lies some of the problem. He will argue there's nothing he can do and I don't feel like he has my back enough. At first he asked me not to react which I didn't for the childrens sake. But now it's gone on years and I feel like she is comfortable knowing he is desperate enough to see his kids that he won't do too much. So he tried to speak to her about befriending my ex husband and that's when she took him to court. He will argue he can't control what BM does. I argue he can have boundaries which include... dont style with us if you're unhappy with our family dynamic... he argues he can't cause he wants the kids to spend time with him so I just get left uncomfortable in my own home defending myself constantly. 

He has spoke to SD about the reason why I was fed up and did video and I have apologised to her. But she still sends him his conditions for contact. I guess I want to step back from the dynamic and just protect those who want to be part of our family.

ESMOD's picture

He cannot control his EX.  What he can do is control or give consequences for unacceptable behavior by his children in his home.  

Your problem isn't that he didn't control what his EX wife was doing.. but that he didn't hold his kids to higher expectations.. and is catering to their demands.. he is their father.. he needs to act like it.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So he'd rather have his wife be disrespected and uncomfortable to keep a relationship with his kids than actively put boundaries in place for both BM and kids, which would teach his kids a lesson above and beyond him being a wet noodle who seems them regularly would ever do?

Have more respect for yourself and stop letting your husband use you as BM's punching bag so he can see his kids. If he can't balance having a wife and being a father, then he shouldn't have a wife. It's one thing to endure the traditional "she isn't their mother, I AM!" tirades from BMs. It's wholly unacceptable for your husband to think that it's okay for BM to just spout off racist remarks and dangerous stereotypes to his kids that will repeat them to you and others, and take to heart what those things mean and not do or say anything about it.

He could have taken BM to court. He could have hit BM with a cease and desist letter. Or helped you sue her for harassment. Or helped you get some form of restraining order against her. He could have moved out on weekends with his kids and kept visits with them separate until/unless they could control themselves (or forever). Instead of making you endure it or come up with the solution, he should have taken the lead and done everything in his power to put her in her place and protect you.

He had options. He chose not to use them. Yeah, he can't control BM, but he certainly didn't have to keep exposing you to her vitriol. He certainly could have done more than basically say "yeah, I know you're being verbally abused by my ex both directly and through my kids, but I care more about seeing them on my terms than I do about making you feel safe and comfortable in your own home." Your husband is a BIG part of the problem, and he needs to stop pretending that he's the victim.

Stepdrama2020's picture

I am glad you did it. Air that dirty racist laundry and send the video to BM's employer. I say out a racist. This isnt family dirty laundry to keep a secret. Its disgusting and vile.

Why is it the abused has to keep secrets to protect the abuser. F THAT. THIS kinda shit keeps rolling on because people dont speak up.

Heck give me the racists name and Ill do it.

Harry's picture

With SD not wanting a relationship with you.  Disengage from her.      
No reason to have a relationship with BM. She doesn't wasn it.  Disengage from her

Your DH needs to find his balls, and tell his DD he runs the show.  He will pick her up and spent time with her outside the home. And it will NOT be a money fest. As taking on trips, shopping,  expensive restaurants, expensive activities 


Rags's picture

What sucks worse is a ball-less mate that sucks up to the suck.

Tolerate neither the spawn nor the spawner who sucks up to them.


Mumofsix22's picture

Update to this....

messages from DD demanding to come the house cause she's now being left out of the family with texts from BM to the narrative. SD texting dad that she feels like she has no dad etc he arranged to take her for dinner yesterday as I was out with friends so chance to talk. We were planning a talk together which I feel is necessary cause I would of liked to of heard OH back me and how I shouldn't be disrespected by her. He says he's spoke to her so she's coming back now... I explained to him from my perspective nothing has changed and he thinks I should just "act normal" cause "she's the kid". So I said I would like to know what her attitudes and opinions are on the matter now she's had some time away from the conflict and he said "she's a kid she doesn't understand". So that to me says.... the same position as before him probably scared to upset her so not affirming that I as partner in our home should be respected by her the SD regardless of what happens between the parents unless anything else changes where I'm directly mean to her which I never have been.

not sure what move to make next but now full of anxiety for when they're supposed to return next week. Feel like giving up again.

Rags's picture

while expecting a different result.

Time to rub DH's nose in that universal truth.  Nothing has changed, "she is a kid and doesn't understand" and he wants her reintegrated into your life and marriage.

Ummmm..... NO!

Nose... meet stench.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

She engages respectfully, or she has no place in your life, home, marriage, etc.... End of discussion.

DH needs this clarity and he needs it as painfully as is necessary for it to sink in. He fixes his toxic spawn or .... he and she are gone.