How to handle our new baby and the ex-wife.
My husband and I have been happily married for 5 years and he has an 8 yearold son with his ex wife. I have a great relationship with my SS and we have a tight knit relationship, just the three of us. Thankfully it is smooth sailing within our little family. My husband and I are now 3 months pregnant and have not officially told this to his ex wife as we do not feel the need to include her in this. We have however made this pregnancy all about my SS making it a celbration for him showering him with attention and making him a part in every step of the pregnancy. We have included him in the first visit and ultrasound. He is extremely excited as he has said that first ultrasound visit "was the best day of his life." I know he has told him mom as all kids spill the beans. Not a problem. However, we have our third ultrasound coming up, to find out the sex, and have asked his ex if we could take him after school for a half hour for a "family appointment" telling her we will drop him off to her when she returns from work an hour later. She claims she has to "check her schedule" and get back to us. Her grandparents pick him up from school on this day so what could be more important???? She normally asks detailed questions but she won't because she knows why we need her son at this appointment and also because she is not acknowledging this pregnancy. That's ok but I know the bull@$#% is about to come like always-she's passive aggressive but how the heck do I play offense on this one? How do we protect and prepare ahead of time my SS and us from the games she is about to play and what games should I expect?
Her background: Unfortunatley she is very nosy, controlling, and a major passive aggressive person. She is understandably bitter as he left her for me (I am five years their junior)and she is recently engaged and moved in with her fiance that she has been dating for the past three years. But that's been over five years ago!!! She is in constant competition with me. (I'm secure enough to not care and ignore most of her bs) She is nice to my face when other people are around but if no one is watching it is a completely different woman!
What to expect and how to prepare and WHAT to prepare for???
I agree 110%, except about
I agree 110%, except about congratulating. I don't think BM needs to congratulate her. I do think she needs to be a mature adult about it, help facilitate a relationship between SS and his sibling, and move on with her life somehow. We're planning on adopting and are going to involve SDs in hallmark events too, and have them help choose room colors, toys, names, etc. I think that's really important for kids, especially stepkids, so they'll know they're not going to get shoved aside/ignored completely for the new baby.
Emma, I think you're doing a great job! Just keep letting SS know that he is invited to these things. If BM chooses to not let him go, ultimately, that's on her.
Thank you. That's a great
Thank you. That's a great idea to let SS help decorate, choose toys, and names, etc. He already plans to teach her/him baseball and how to play his video games! lol
Just take it as it comes.
Just take it as it comes. Like you said, its not really her business. Just keep it at that and keep your conversations with her in line with that.
Congratulations!! The one
Congratulations!! The one thing I would do is try to schedule the ultra sound when you have SS that way she can't control or try to change things at the last minute.
You are very lucky that your SS is excited about your pregnancy. When I got pregnant and told SS12 at the time he tried to punch me in the stomach and then ran away from home the next day. It was a very stressful time for me as he was living with us full time - Mom is 700 miles away and still tries to control from that distance. After we had her and I would get stressed from having a baby he would say well it was your mistake - now live with it. I always tell him believe me she was very planned down to the hour that she was conceived - that usually shuts him up.
Luckily now he lives with BM and only sees us 3 times a year - this last time my DD4 could not wait for him to leave at 16 you would think he would have matured a little but he just bugged the shit out of her and she had it.
Good luck and I am so happy SS is happy about the baby it will make things easier for all of you.
If ss can't make the
If ss can't make the appointment then do somehing else. For ex, with #3 dh couldn't make the big appt where we found out the sex of the baby. So I had a pink basket full of snacks and pink balloons sent to his job after my appt. Maybe send ss a kid basket of goodies to school with a card telling him the news. I used to love getting surprises at school plus it isn't interfering with bm's schedule. I don't really know what games to tell you to expect other than to expect anything! We expect the worst so we never get disappointed. It is hard because you can't control what happens when he's with bm and whatever kind of relationship he has now with the baby will carry on later. My ss was devastated when we had our son. I'm fact he stopped wanting to come shortly after bs was born. He did stop coming and even now their relationship is a struggle. But you are already off to a better start. Just always remind him of his place as a big brother and be very positive because you never know what negative thoughts she'll try to get ss to believe.
I think it is great that you
I think it is great that you include your ss as you do. It says alot about who you are as a person. BM needs to move on with her life and not inflict bad ideas on her son. It is so nice to see a sm that actually don't resent her ss and seems to actually want him around and love because it seems so many don't feel that way. Congratulations and I don't see how you can't have anything but good things come your way because of your outlook on life.
Thank you for all the good
Thank you for all the good feed back!
Congratulations!! I would
Congratulations!! I would let it go if you can't take him-they normally take pictures and you guys can show him this-he's very young to understand what he's seeing anyway. I think it's great he's excited about the baby, that's a very good thing and can be indicative of better things to come!
I think it's normal to expect upset from the BM-5 years or not-I hestitate to say this on this board-but if your H has left the BM and kids for you then IMO you've got to expect a lot more hostility that can last for years-and to be honest regardless of their relationship problems..karma doesn't stop for us because we fall in love. Infidelity is horrid and destroys families and kids. For us to be flippant or dismisive or accuse them of being bitter and that they should get over it-even if it's been a while-is just a way to dismiss our huge part in the misery and pain caused. I've kind of seen that a couple times on the board and it really makes me cringe. If you are the other woman he left his family for-be ready and accept what comes your way from the ex and possibly his family. It's part of the karma bus really-we make decisions out of love-but those decisions will have consequences-and not always are they pretty. Even though this didn't play a part in my marriage disolving at all-I've been on various sides of the fence and can speak from experience.
I wish more women would smart up about doing this and realizing just how much damage can be done not only to the original family-but for your own selves down the line for years as well. I've just lived enough to know that the repercussions and consequences are often unimaginable even if we justify our actions by relating them to love.
I agree with you in some
I agree with you in some ways. Yes, it's normal for the person left to be bitter. But in this case, it's been 5 years. For the sake of herself and her son, BM needs to see a counselor, and find a way to come to terms with the fact that Emma is in SS's life. She doesn't have to love or like Emma-if BM hates Emma that's completely understandable- but she should accept that Emma is now a part of her son's family and act civil towards her. And Emma should let her DH do the dealing with BM.
I also disagree with you about the father's leaving his child with BM. Yes, he doesn't live permanently with SS anymore. However, he seems to see him often and I'm sure he pays BM hefty CS each month. So I don't think he left SS. He left BM.
I don't know how old your SS
I don't know how old your SS is, but just be prepared for the unexpected with the new baby. When we told SS11 and SD12 about our pregnancy, they were excited and talked about changing diapers, wanted to see all the ultrasound pics, SS said he "always wanted to be a big brother" etc. However, BS is now 8 months old and neither Skid seems to care one way or the other about him. SD does like to hold him and play with him for like 5 minutes but that is about the extent ofit. They will say "hi" to him but most of the time SS has to be prompted by hubby to "say hi to your brother" and neither have ever changed a diaper.
I don't really care one way or the other whether they have a bonding relationship with him. I'll probably get knocked for this, but I honestly would be happiest if he didn't have to have a relationship with them. The BMs are both whack jobs and have proven on many occasions that they are sh*tty parents (I use that term loosly) I already told hubby I will NEVER allow BS to spend the night with either Skid outside of our home (he agrees) I also think it's an age thing with mine, they are at the ages now where they want to hang with friends, have BF and GF and go to the mall.. not dote on a little baby brother. Maybe things will change when BS gets a little older but then they will be teenagers.. so who knows?? Again I really don't care.
Congrats! you have so much fun ahead!
OH....I KNOW this, believe
OH....I KNOW this, believe me...I've been and seen all sides of the fence, I know it's not black/white.
That said-you dont' leave an abuser and set out for another marriage w/out first dealing with the damage done from a previous marriage, you don't leave ANY marrige or relationship and jump to another w/out first dealing with the fallout from divorce and your own faults. I think "bridge affairs" are common-I think another person can "help transition" out of a very bad marriag-but they are hardly EVER lasting or meant to be. The reasons are many.
I'm not judging-believe me...not at all. I've looked at my own mistakes in life as well. I'm saying it's to be expected.
Of course-infidelity
Of course-infidelity typically isn't the cause of a marriage going awry-it's typically a symptom of what's wrong in the marriage.
Both partners should (in most cases) look at themselves and where they went wrong. Neglect, abuse, not appreciating your partner, being selfish...eventually a person deprived can reach out for comfort. I know it's a very complex issue. And yes there are times it can workout with the "bridge" person..but two wrongs dont' make a right. Even if it does work-a marriage born from infidelity will have a very hard time and far-reaching consequences. Mainly because people DO need time to heal from the past and should learn from their past, and work on themselves and learn to be alone happy before movign into a relationship.
There are many many people that jump from one thing to another because they don't know how to deal with being alone-it's too uncomfortable to deal with your own issues, and taking on a new relationship takes the pain of wading through the muck -AT the moment. Eventually you realize you STILL have that muck to deal with it, but it's now a lot more complicated.
Honestly-after my first abusive marriage it did take me years to recover from the pain he inflicted, the damage, bitterness, anger, the hyper-sensitivity. I was not ready for a relationship. I worked on myself-had several casual relationships for fun or distraction but kept working on myself-and spent probably half of those 6yrs entirely on my own. Even now-almost 7yrs since my divorce, this is the first full blown committed relationship for me where I'm willing to think of a future. And even if i knew and my bf saw me as whole and together-there are STILL things that come up for me and him from the past we have to deal with-our OWN issues.
It's much easier to deal with them now of course then it would have been straight out of a marriage.
Why do you have to include
Why do you have to include her with anything ? My ex only teached my kids how to abuse their father and belittle me. They don't know how to really see true love. Now I am with my fiance ,and the kids are truly happy for us. They see their father truly happy and smiling. It is sad ,but, most BMs , never move on. I just don't get it.
Yes and no-hard to tell-we
Yes and no-hard to tell-we can't explain or justify away our actions either because of those of BM however. Our consequences come from our own mistakes I'm pretty sure.
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