How do I stop resenting my step kids
5 years ago I moved across the country to give it a real shot with my now husband. I left all my friends and family and have basically no one over here. I love my husband, and by all accounts am very happy out here. But I’ve had a feeling of resentment brewing for the last few years towards my 2 step sons (14 and 12) as they are essentially the only reason we can take move back to be with my family. I’m fully aware that I made my decision, and it’s not at all their fault. But I find myself increasingly irritated with them and wishing they would just live at their mothers full time. These feelings are intensifying now that I am 7 weeks pregnant with our first baby. I find myself cringing when they walk in the room hoping they won’t engage with me and can’t wait for them to leave on the weekends. Bio mom is absolutely awful to me, and blames me for breaking up her family, even though she had multiple affairs and my husband had simply had enough and decided he wanted a divorce. I find myself noticing her traits in them more often than my husbands and it is driving me nuts. For example, she is late for absolutely everything and doesn’t consider anyone else’s time, and the youngest is the exact same, often dragging his feet and making us late despite asking him to pick up the pace. I find myself disengaging from them recently, and even have difficulty making eye contact with the older one. They haven’t ever done anything to me and in fact have been welcoming and really sweet. I find my feelings of resentment getting worse when I imagine my husband having to share time/attention between them and our new baby when he/she arrives. I want to nip these feelings in the bud because I really don’t want them to affect my step kids or my relationship with my husband. Has anyone else experienced similar feelings? Tips?
I think that everyone has
I think that everyone has their version of similar feelings. It is human nature, and it is just part of life.
I would suggest that you focus your thoughts on specific behaviors that your Skids may be pepetrating rather than on their existance or presence.
This should help you focus on more bite sized issues rather than overwhelming and comprehensive life events that cannot easily be dealt with in total.
I would also recommend that you and DH put together a comprehensive plan/strategy covering the next 5 years and work towards completing that. Things will invariably change but if you have a common plan in place adjustments are much easier than not having a plan and being overwhelmed by any life event that rolls in.
Congratulations on the little one.
Don't forget to take care of you through all of the this.
Good luck.
Rags is a wise soul. This is
Rags is a wise soul. This is great advice.
Plus... pregnancy hormones make everything intensify. Logically remind yourself that you are currently experiencing out of the norm feelings. These will continue for a while post partum.
On the BM and SKid behaviors.
On the BM and SKid behaviors. Both of the Skids are old enough to be left if they are not ready. Herd them to the front step, lock the door, and leave them. They can sit there until someone comes home.
If BM is late, take the Skids to a drop in day care and text her the address to pick them up. Remind her that they will not be released unless she pays for the drop in care fees.
These are not small children. This is an ostensibly adult woman, a teen and an immediate preteen.
Let them suffer for their behaviors.
And....
Don't forget to take care of you.
Thank you for all your advice
Thank you for all your advice!! I don’t like to admit it because I feel like I should be able to separate the two, but I think the BM issues have a lot to do with it. It’s particularly difficult this week because she just took it upon herself to call me a hussy 2 days ago. All I had done is ask her to leave me out of arguments with my husband, because she seems to love to bring me up whenever they are in a fight about this that or the other thing. I see her in the kids, especially the younger one, and it really gets in the way of me feeling any kind of real love for them. Im slowly getting better at sticking to my boundaries though. Like today for example I am home alone with them all day until they go back to her house at 4:30. I’m fully prepared to stand up for myself and say she has to come pick them up when she inevitably asks me to take them to her.
Since BM took the interface
Since BM took the interface to the gutter, drown her in the gutter of her idiocy. Figuratively of course.
There is invariably a ton of crap that you can use to bare BM's idiot ass ... so do it. You know far more about her and her history than she does about you. Use those facts to shut her down. Also, set and enforce the clear expectation that DH will shut her down when she brings you up with him.
You are his wife, she is in his past. She needs to be kept in the past and kept in her place. She is insignificant and she needs that message as does DH.
I totally agree with the need
I totally agree with the need for a flexible approach. I get angry already just thinking about having to include them in EVERYTHING with my husband and new baby. I get an almost primal feeling of anger when I imagine the boys wanting to hold the baby all the time or inserting themselves into moments with my husband and the baby. Even writing this makes me feel bad, because I’ve never said these things out loud. But it’s a very real feeling that has amplified since getting pregnant and knowing other people have experienced it too is very helpful. Thank you for sharing.
You don’t have to include
You don’t have to include them in everything. I don’t include SD11 whenever I’m doing something with/for DS3 and DS11mos. You are allowed to enjoy some first-time mom things just for you. Plus at their ages, I doubt they would want to be part of everything. Don’t miss out on precious moments w your baby because of them. Good luck.
You really think a 14 yo
Will want to do baby thing. ?? Do you think a 16 yo will want to go to the “ North Pole to see Santa”. I think not. It is going to become more of a power struggle between the kids when SK see baby getting all the attention Thst everything will be going around baby schedule. You can’t go to rollercoster heaven because baby is to young. Or you can’t go bscause there nothing for baby to do. So instead of rollercoster heaven we are going to story land or leggo land
Like today for example I am
Like today for example I am home alone with them all day until they go back to her house at 4:30. I’m fully prepared to stand up for myself and say she has to come pick them up when she inevitably asks me to take them to her.
Can you disengage and only have the kids when your H is home? Why are you watching them anyway? Yes, completely stand up for yourself but 1st does your H address the X when she makes comments about you? If he doesn't he really needs to shut down that disrespectful behavior he has and create some healthy boundaries.
Go speak to a thearpist.
Go speak to a thearpist.
Having to move FOR them
Having to move FOR them probably already ignited the resentment, but as you're building your own family with your DH, and if you really want to be closer to your family, is it possible to discuss some kind of compromise? I just hate this trap that we have to have to make the bioparents lives easier or not disrupt the stepkids lives. We're ALL in a complicated and difficult situation, no?? Why does the stepparent keep getting the short end of the stick? -__-
Above poster is right
The stepparents are always the ones compromising and sacrificing to accommodate these former families. It sucks. I'm gonna tell you- it will not get easier when your kid arrives. The resentment will be even bigger. I've disengaged. Sadly, due to the behaviors of sd and the fact I cant stand her mom and zero empathy from SO, I dont enjoy having sd at our home. It is so stressful and nearly every disagreement we have relates back to her. I, too, lament the fact I never get to have a nuclear family. I think of how much smoother things would be. I dont think I can last much longer in this situation without leaving. I really dislike it and stepparents are truly in a no win situation.