Why do I not like my SGKs?

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It's very simple, I just don't like them. My wife and I have been married for 22 years. She had an 11 year old daughter when we married who lived with her part time, and part time with her atrocious and loser ex. Soon after we married, we began having our own kids and we ended up with a blended family of one step daughter (her bio) along with a son and daughter of our own. I feel like I've had the normal stepdad experience with my SD; some good, probably more bad, a lot of learning. When she started having her own kids at 19 (she now has 3 of them; 14, 12, and 4), I realized pretty quickly I just didn't feel anything for them. I don't "hate" them, I do things for them all the time, but inside the resentment and dislike is always there. My wife, naturally, adores them....especially the 12 year old grandson. It's like sacrilege to utter any criticism of him (especially) or them, but that only drives the resentment and intensifies it. Part of me feels like "Dobby" in "Harry Potter"; like I should punish myself for having these feelings, part of me questions why I should have any responsibility in this at all? I didn't make these kids or choices. Am I a bad person?

Welcome to the site!

No feeling is bad, in itself - it's what you do with it that matters. I'm sure there are reasons why you feel the way you do, but what is more important is that you do not treat your SGKs badly - you say yourself you do things for them. Part of the feelings may be because your wife bigs them up all the time - this can be very irritating for us step parents as we are expected to join in the "homage" - none of which we feel. And there is nothing more guaranteed to make one dislike a person that someone else CONSTANTLY singing their praises!

Thanks.

You say you feel resentment

You say you feel resentment for the SGKs ... Do they live with you?

They have lived with us in

They have lived with us in the past, not now though. I suppose the "resentment" is based in not being able to communicate the way I feel about it without triggering automatic defensiveness from my wife/ their grandmother. It's proven to be a "no win" situation.....for either of us.

These kids are members of

These kids are members of your family... not related by blood to you.. but they are to your wife. For that reason, it would be good if you are able to continue to give the appearance that you are not treating them dramatically different. For your wife.. these GK's are no different than the ones who would be born to the other two bio kids of yours.

Of course it would be natural to have more affinity for your own bios and their offspring. Of course, it is likely you have some association with these kids as negative that relates from your experience with their mother when she was a child in your home. But... we do need to recognize who our audience is sometimes. You know it is futile and in fact brings drama and stress into your life when you try to voice your true feelings (or lack thereof) for these kids.

Sometimes, things just don't need to be said I guess... they serve no real purpose you know? So.. find an outlet to vent.. this is an ok one... you aren't hurting your wife by venting to strangers really.

Perhaps when she starts waxxing too poetic about the virtues of these kids.. you can start bringing up the other grandkids too.. or even grandkids of friends of yours.

Her: "SGS 14 is wonderful... he is so good at art...I think he is really a prodigy"

You: "Yeah.. and I love how GD10 has really taken to playing the guitar.. we really have some talent in the family"

Her "SGK11 just got accepted into the gifted program after school.. isn't that great"

You "Wow... that is good.. Friend's grandkid did that same program and I think it really helped on their college application".

Thanks

They aren't your grandkids,

They aren't your grandkids, that's why. Just like many of us might tolerate or if we are lucky, even like our stepkids, but not love them. You aren't obligated to be any kind of grandparent to them, so don't twist yourself in knots to be one. Just be pleasant and civil. You don't have to be "fair", just like you don't have to be "fair" with stepkids and your own bio kids. They can learn that it's a different sort of relationship between you and them, and you and your bio grandkids.

Your wife should not have such an obvious favorite, they will know that, believe me.

Thanks

Thanks. It's funny you

Thanks. It's funny you mention counseling. I've been to both marriage and family counseling over the last 22 years and I have yet find a therapist/ counselor who doesn't think that I should "learn" to love and appreciate my SD and her kids more; as opposed to merely being courteous, as you say; which is what I strive to do. This has had the added effect of convincing my wife that I'm either not trying hard enough or that something is wrong with me. At the very least that I'm just an anti-social person because I'm not bonded with her and her ex's progeny.

But really, who will

But really, who will selflessly sacrifice themselves doing all the grunt work and financing for their spouse's kids with an ex, only to be told to step back and defer to their partner's ex for any decisions that matter? That's not a partner, that's a servant. You are either a full partner or you are not. And if not, how can you be expected to have the same emotional investment as the "real" parents?

I have no delusions that i

I have no delusions that i can fill the role of not one, but 2 worthless BMs with either their kids or their likely many, many descendants.

Thanks

Clearly, it also illustrates

Clearly, it also illustrates (for me) how easy it is to find behavioral health services "one size fits all", but extremely difficult to find the specific provider you need, in your area, with availability, and "in network".

I think the vast majority of

I think the vast majority of counselors/therapists aren't going to have a clue about all the shit involved in step families. It's a situation that pretty much requires someone who has been there, done that.

Don't feel bad about not thinking your step daughter's kids are the second coming of Christ. I don't want anything to do with my SO's grandchild. I feel the poor child should have been put up for adoption rather than be raised by the drug dealing, manipulating loser moron who is her mother. Of course I would never say that to my SO. If you can't say anything nice just smile and say "huh".

That's been my experience too

That's been my experience too, about counselors and therapists. To be honest, I've been able to get more useful advice and comfort from just other regular people who have similar experiences. People who've never had to live as a step parent, especially having to fill the gaps left by a biological parent who can't or won't (in my case, won't) live up to their responsibilities just can't fathom the range of emotions. My wife is a good example. I love her, and she's an awesome mom/ grandmother, but I suspect she'd be as challenged (but probably worse off) if had brought a child and subsequently that child's children, as well as a complete loser ex baby mama, into our relationship long-term. She likes to say, when the subject comes up infrequently (because I've long since stopped seeking relief from her in this regard), that "you knew this when you married me"; as if that were some blanket insurance clause to cover all shenanigans and bad feelings resulting from her first failed marriage. So, it's really been up to me to cobble together whatever understanding, compassion, tolerance, and sometimes just grit to live with it AND have a successful and loving marriage for our kids to thrive in. A consequence of that has been the accumulation of resentment over many years, me toward her and her toward me, because it is an issue that remains largely avoided and unresolved. We're both in our 50's now and on the cusp of some major life changes; our bio kids are now both in college (except that COVID has them intermittently studying from home), and we can see the day clearly when it'll be just us in the house again. This should be the renaissance period of our lives in all things; dating, activities, sex, personal goals, bucket list stuff, etc. but it's clear that the time we once thought would be for us getting older is going to be filled by SD's needs to raise her kids as a single mom with grandma's constant help. Don't get me wrong, there's no more noble purpose on Earth than raising kids to be good adults but damn, I'd be lying if I said that after 22 years I don't want long break and a sabbatical back to the life of just being a couple more often than not.

I know what you mean. When

I know what you mean. When can you just be a couple? I am wondering if SO even wants that. We had about a week skid-free (well, with only one of them at home and he has no behavior issues), and SO was calling BM1's mom to get info on SD21, and texting BM2 because he missed SS10. Like, can he even enjoy couple time?

“Wondering if SO even wants that”

Same here, I seem to be the main party extremely interested in more "couple time". She pays lip service to it, and somewhere inside I'm sure she does but all it takes to flip the switch between prioritizing wife/ partner mode and grandma mode is one call from any of the SGK's or their mom. We've had plans in the past that we cancelled because I knew she wouldn't be happy knowing she had to say "no" to a GK in order to keep the plans for us.

That is so hard. I'm finally

That is so hard. I'm finally starting to make plans without him so i'm not just sulking while he deals with kids, BMs, his family, his coworkers, or whoever. I don't know. Maybe some people just don't get enough of their emotional needs met from a relationship so they fill their time with other things. I'm going to plan something different for he and i to do this weekend. Maybe that will make him more excited to spend time with me.

That's the best you can do...

That's the best you can do.....he needs to come willingly to the party (time with you); same advice goes for me.

**She likes to say, when the

**She likes to say, when the subject comes up infrequently (because I've long since stopped seeking relief from her in this regard), that "you knew this when you married me"**

Uhm...there is no way anyone can have an accurate idea exactly what they're getting into when it comes to step life.

Indeed

GSkids that are the progeny

GSkids that are the progeny of ill raised toxic failed family progeny and another parent too naive to realize that they have chosen a POS as a mate are destined to be even worse. So, not loving GSkids is really no mystery when their parents were ill behaved, ill raised, and the result of crappy parents in their own rite.

IMHO of course.

^^ lol. I love this. Best

^^ lol. I love this. Best response ever.

Hi everyone. I am new to

Hi everyone. I am new to these forums and I was relieved to find this post. My SD and her husband had a baby last year and I really feel no connection to that child. It's nice to know that this is normal. I treat SD and SGS respectfully but I am not goo-goo gaa-gaa over the child.

Fortunately due to Covid we only saw them once in person as we live a few hours away from them. She had wanted to come for an extended visit as she could use "an extra pair of hands" but I was not having it even if there wasn't Covid. I made it clear to my husband that I was not going to be a care provider to this child. DH feels the same way and acknowledged that he was not much help when she was younger and living with us full time and I did all the work.

The children we had together are launched or soon to be launched and now we want to enjoy our time as a couple.

So glad your DH is on the

Yeah I couldn't care less about my SO's grandchild. The kid is being raised by idiots so I'm keeping my distance. Lol.

So glad your DH is on the same page as you!

Ask one of your GSkids to

Ask one of your GSkids to hand you a sock and gain your freedom.

Your DW can worship her grand kids. You are not obligated to love them unless you choose to love them.

Firymsg will be a free elf!

Firymsg will be a free elf! Lol....but yeah. Maybe the grandskids are unlikeable little shites and so are their parents. You can't force love and the harder you try, the worse it is, at least for me. If keeping a polite distance is the best you can do, that's enough.

My adult SDs have always

My adult SDs have always treated me with complete indifference. I've been married to their father for 30 years, and nothing has changed from the time that they were teenagers. Although I tried to "blend" into the family, they did not want to let me in and now I am practically invisible to them. When they call their father (which is next to never and ONLY if they need something) and I answer the phone, all I ever hear is, "Hi...is my Dad there?". That's it. I may as well be the housekeeper. Anyway, this has been going on since the day that I met them, despite my efforts to be liked by them and despite my DH telling them that they need to be more personable with me. (It works for a few months, but then "old habits die hard" and they are back to being rude again.

Sorry for the preamble, but I wanted to give you a little background. Here comes the "relevant" part...

Anyway, just as I had feared, the 2 SDs have doubled themselves and I now have 4 SGDS. Initially, everything was a little bit better, although our visits with them were few and far in between. I enjoyed spending time with the little SGKs and they were always happy to see me, welcoming me with a big hug upon my arrival. But then "IT" happened. I guess my 2 SDs decided that the SGKs are old enough now to be poisoned against me now too. They must have sat down with them and driven home the fact that I'm not their REAL grandmother, so they don't need to treat me like family. Now, the stepgrandkids are treating me with indifference too. ...all 4 of them. They used to call me Grandma, but now I hear them slipping up and calling me by my first name.

We live several hours away from them (Thank God), but we always send them cash for their birthdays. When the SGKs call to thank us, they only speak to and thank Grandpa. It's completely rude, especially in light of the fact that I am the one who remembers their birthdays and sends out the cards and checks and everyone knows it! The last few times that I sent out a birthday card, I thought it would be an interesting exercise to NOT tell my DH that it's Birthday Time for one of his Grandkids. So, I just quietly sent the card and check. When the Grandkid called to thank Grandpa, he didn't know what the kid was talking about! It was kind of fun watching him Flail for a while.

Because of their indifference towards me, we have pretty much disengaged from all 8 of them. (Both of the SD's are divorced and we now have 2 step great grandchildren. (I'm 55 years old btw...which I'm sure was another factor in their dislike for me 30 years ago.) When I met their father, I was divorced and 24 years old with no children of my own. He was divorced and 41 years old. The two SDs were 16 and 21. Oh, the memories. Anyway, I think it's perfectly fine to not have any warm and fuzzy feelings towards the offspring of the offspring. I'm a big believer that, if something doesn't seem to come naturally to you, it's simply because it's just not natural.

Have your wife hand you a

Have your wife hand you a sock and free yourself from any guilt feelings about not caring about your GSkids.

My parents accepted my SS as their GK from day one. An interesting thing about my dad is that at his core he really does not give a crap about anyone but his wife and his sons. He of course accepts our wives and our kids (including my SS) but he really has no strong feelings for anyone other than the original Rags clan (Mom, dad, three boys, two survived to adulthood).

Also interesting is that he has grown to absolutely adore my bride. She "got" us from day one and integrated actively. She is, as my dad says, scary smart and has a very close relationship with each of my parents and with them as a couple. My SIL on the otherhand has battled to keep my brother and their kids from being close to our parents and with my DW, SS and I. My dad has no use for my SIL and tolerates her only because she is my brother' wife. He calls my DW his daughter and if something ever happens to me, she will remain my parent;s daughter and our son (my SS who I adopted) will always be their eldest GK.

Do not beat yourself up over not feeling close to your GSkids while feeling close to your bioGKs. Your SD may not have earned love from you, which makes it unlikely that her kids will earn love from you. I know, unconditional love... blah..... blah.... blah. But, there is no unconditional love for toxic or ill behaved people

Go easy on yourself and do not shy away from standing your ground with your mate regarding her daugther and the GSkds. It is okay for the two of you to have dedicated time with "your" children and GKs without her dauther and the GSkids.

My DW and I regularly and upon occassion with our son have dedicated time with my parents without my brother and his family. Mainly because we make an effort and make a relationship with mom and dad important an he/they don't. For whatever reason. Interestingly his kids are far, far, far more close to my parents and our extended family than they are with my SIL's family. The kids know that their mom has issues and though they do cater to her weirdness, they do not allow her weirdness to prevent them from being close to my parents. That... makes me happy.

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Why do I not like my SGKs?