how do I cope?
I am a mom of two boys and two step-girls. My husband and I have been together 8 yrs. The ex is a total B****. She doesn't seem to be over the divorce. Since I have been in the picture, the girls are not allowed to go anywhere with me alone.(even on our visitation time) I am not allowed to pick them up or drop them off. When they are at our home they do not speak to nor even acknowledge me when they arrive for the weekend visits. My husband has tried to talk to them but they just sit there and ignore him. He feels if he pushes the issue they won't come to visit anymore. I no longer feel comfortable in our home when they are there because of all the tension. The sad thing is it is my house. Since dad is an excellant father and pays his monthly allowance, I provide for all the home necessities. therefore I think I should deserve a little respect. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I have no daughter of my own. Growning up I always wanted a girl,so I have no problem loving my step-girls. I just cant seem to get through to them even after all this time. I don't know what to do. There are constant discussion between my husband and myself in regards to how they act. They will not even be respecfull enough so acknowledge their paternal grandmother when she is around with us. I love my mother-in-law and find it very inappropriate that they especially act that way with her. as you can see I have a huge mess. Any advice from anyone with this type of experience?
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sorry>>>what is PAS
Sorry to be so naive, as I am new to the site but what is PAS? I have tried to talk to the husband about therapy but the BM won't allow it. She said "my kids aren't stupid. They don't need therapy."
I agree
I have even gone to therapy on my own to try and cope but when I mention anything to the husband. in one ear and out the other. he feels caught in the middle. how do I make him understand I am serious. I dont't want to leave but dont know how long I can deal.
he just says it is my decision
He just pretty much says it is my decision wheather or not it is something that I am willing to live with. I think my immpression from him is that I should leave but of course he hasn't told me "you should leave". My biggest fear is that it will always be like this? What do I do when it comes time for our girls to get married? Will I be able to go to weddings, births of grandchildren,etc. One is 17 and the other is 11. I still have a ways to go.Or do I let go? I am pretty much an invisable person when they are around. even though alot of stuff that we do is when I pay so that we can go do it. bowling,etc. because dad doesn't have the money to help , after paying child support and a vehicle.
This is what I did:
First let me say Dad has a very valid fear and its undeniable that the Mom is working these kids.
If I were him I would get my attorney involved and sue for a restraining order.
Meanwhile change your attitude. I know I know "Why should I change". I'm just talking about your attitude not your actions. It involves no energy and relieves you of participating in ALL of this stress. You see once you change your attitude this is no longer your problem. You're just an observer.
Now this is what I did:
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
We have spent so much
We have spent so much time,money and wasted energy on attorney's fees for no results. After several trips to the court nothing has been resolved. The court seems like a joke. The first time we took her back because of over 50 reports that she failed to bring kids for their scheduled visitations. The judge just told her "if you do it again then we are going to put you in jail"(that was on a Thursday) Friday came along and she did it again. A month later we went back. Same thing, judge says to her "you have to make sure the kids go with him, next time I want to see the girls in the courtroom". So after about two months we went back a third time. The judge brought the girls into the courtroom and told them "you have to go with your dad or I am going to put your mom in jail". Girls stated that they understood. Mind you it wasn't that they didn't want to come but were afraid to come because of mother. This happened about three years ago and incidents like this happen on an average of once a month. Even over this weekend
we had them at an outing, the BM called to talk to the girls. while on the phone with the oldest girl, BM asked " where is yous sister. When the oldest stated she didn't know BM got pissed. 20 mins later BM shows up at the location and took the girls. The local Police department won't even get involved anymore nor even take a misc. report. This is constantly continuing. DH knows how much it bothers me, it bothers him to but he says what can he do. It has really put a strain on our marrige. When kids aren't around, life is awesome. Well let me take that back if BM wasn't around it would be awesome. There are times that the oldest will confide in her dad and I and talks to us about things she feels she cant talk about with BM. The problem is when we are at kids events the girls will not even come and acknowledge us. Especiallt if I am there, because there have been a couple of occasion where just BD went and they did go say hi to him. It is just nerve racking. Sometime it seems like they SD"s come over only when they wants something. They have no problem speaking up when it somes to material items. But If BD says anyhting to them they get an attitude like BM.
Oh honey
You need to get two books - 'Divorce Poison' and 'Stepmonster'. DP is in the library, but SM is new, you can get it on Amazon. Meanwhile, just sit down and read blogs here and you will see, your situation is unfortunately a frequent one in our world.
I am amazed you have lasted 8 years without becoming angry at all? Not that that is a goal, but you are still so sweet and caring and I am afraid that is almost making it worse, in the messed up world of step-parenting.
I am glad you have other kids, and a good relationship with your h. Welcome to the site and I hope things get better for you!!
"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912
Sounds like your SD's are very brainwashed by the BM
If I were a fly on the wall in their mother's house, I bet you are bagged out incenssantly by the BM. Kids can be easily indoctrinated into thinking whatever the dominant parent wants them to and all it does is create very disfunctional, emotionally unbalanced children.
My SK's hardly talk to me either, but they hardly talk to anyone (they are just weird). Over the years I have heard them say stuff that I just know they heard their mother say.
All I can say to you is to stand up for yourself and demand the respect. I did, after years of hearing things like "who cares about you" and "I don't want you to marry my father" I took my then boyfriend aside and demanded that he stop the SK's crap.
Things got better after that, I now don't have to put up with abuse and outright hostility - just silence.
A Step parent is in a no win role