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HELP - how do I help my family blend?

mnstepmom's picture

Submitted by mnstepmom on Thu, 03/08/2012 - 11:13am

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Blended Family Issues

I have never before gone online to ask for help, but I am completely out of ideas and could use help!

My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children together 13 & 17. He was married before and has a 23 year old daughter, who did not live in the same state and whose mother did not honor my husbands visitatio rights so we did not get to know her until she contacted us at 18. Long story short. We flew her up here for Thanksgiving & Xmas of 2010 everything was great - our kids were happy to meet her. She returned home to Texas (we are in MN) and phone calls were random, but good. In October 2011, we were contacted by her mom and stepdad to say she had a Meth prob. So my husband went down to help with the intervention -- it went well and she decided to do her rehab in MN by us and then come live with us to start a new life. I was naive to think everything would be wonderful -- however, now that she lives with us, she and I get along GREAT, but my 13 year old daughter HATES her, partly because of the drug use and she has done everything we have raised our kids NOT to do and part is a new person in the house. Our 17 year old doesn't care for her, but is old enough to be civil. To top things off, my husband is active military and is gone and will be for most of the year, so I am doing this on my own. I want to do the right thing for all 3 kids as I love and care about them (including my stepdaughter), but how??? I have no idea what steps I can take to help things "blend" between the kids. My relationship with all 3 kids is very good, I just need to figure out how to get the 13 year old & 23 year old to accept or at least respect each other at least while they are under the same roof. My 23 yr old step daughter is getting on her feet and will be moving out to her own place eventually. HELP!!!!!!!

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Thu, 03/08/2012 - 11:19am

Welcome! You'll find out that "blending" a family is quite the misnomer. Get the book "Stepmonster" and read STAT! I think she points out that when "blending" someone gets "squished" or words to that effect.

mnstepmom's picture

Submitted by mnstepmom on Thu, 03/08/2012 - 12:34pm

I just want to clarify that she is a "recovering addict" and has been clean for over 4 months -- she did not use while living here.

mnstepmom's picture

Submitted by mnstepmom on Thu, 03/08/2012 - 12:44pm

1st yes dad DID try to exercise his visitation and never missed a child-support payment; tickets were sent to visit and she wouldn't put her on the plane; we went to court several times spending over $30,000 to try to see her and mom would disappear (her checks went through county so they had her address but couldn't give it out without HER permission). Mom remarried and never mentioned it so no way to track her. 2. Rehab WAS successful so far - 120+ days clean which is great! I want her to succeed. 3. my husband does what he can and does not like dumping it in my lap but as a military family we don't have the choice as to when he is here or gone - perhaps your suggestion of "rethinking" the plan is the way to go. I believe just a change of residence - maybe her own apartment sooner rather than later would help. I am not upset about it and am doing the best I can, just looking for ideas to help smooth the transition -- maybe it can't be and I will have to be okay with that as will everyone else. I appreciate all the input -- I obviously have a problem with trying to make everyone happy and I guess that's not always possible (too much Brady Bunch as a kid LOL) but will try to accept civil.
I truly appreciate all the comments.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Thu, 03/08/2012 - 12:50pm

Oh girls are impossible in the teen years, especially with other girls they view as competition. Honestly, as long as they're civil to each other and not clawing each other's eyes out, I'd say yo're getting off lucky (me and my sister fought like cats and dogs all the way through our teen years!)

Now, what is the root of your daughter's issues? Is it that her older half-sister did drugs? If so, I think it's about time for a talk about what it means to accept people from all walks of life.

Are they sharing a room? Unfortunately, trying to push them together THAT way is a bit much in my opinion. I can see why your daughter would be upset, especially if she feels like everything has changed to revolve around what is essentially a stranger.

Anyway, good luck, I think communication is the key. If the SD is willing, maybe have her have a calm and civil heart to heart with her younger half-sister.

mnstepmom's picture

Submitted by mnstepmom on Fri, 03/09/2012 - 2:03pm

Thank you for your comment -- you are completely right! I have been so caught up in trying to help everyone that I forget that she is an adult and should be on her own. I think she is using the recovery now to be dependent on someone (namely us). It's time to go -- it will be much easier for everyone, including her if we don't have the stress of trying to blend and LIVE together. I forget she IS a grown up, mainly because my 17 year old so is far more mature and responsible than she is -- but you are all right, it's NOT good for our kids who still need to be in the home. I will let her know its best if she gets her own place in the next month and that is that! Smile I want the last few years with my own children still home to be happy memories, not stressful and disfunctional. Thank you for all your advice -- you have given me the strength to do what needs to be done without guilt!! Smile

sunshine35976's picture

Submitted by sunshine35976 on Wed, 03/14/2012 - 10:01am

Hello:)

I am so glad I have found a site of women who can relate with what I am going through!

My problem is..my 8 year old step daughter, loves me to death (usually) her father has full custody and so she is with us all the time, every other weekend she gets a weekend visit with her biological mother. Here's my problem....

When she comes home from her mothers house every other weekend, she hates me. Her mother makes her feel bad for liking me, her mother with cry and make my step daughter feel she is doing her wrong by even calling me "mama sunshine". I bite my tongue because afterall, it isn't about me and her biological mother..its about my 8 yr old stepdaughter. But it hurts so much, when she ignores me, and acts like a devil as soon as she is back home..when her dadddy is home she acts perfect, when her daddy is gone to work..she turns monster on me:( Here's the weird thing..its been 2 years since we have been in eachothers lifes and under same roof..and she has just now started acting this way the past 3 months. I cant tell her daddy how she does me because he doesn't believe me..I took a video of her outburst yesterday after school..so Id have it just in case..Idk what to do with it..I am not the kind of woman to run to her daddy everytime she acts up..I just try to let her know I love her..and that its ok to like me and whatever it is that she is being told..is wrong and that she should pray about it. I love this little girl so much, I love her as much as my own..everyone knows this..I don't know how to reach out to her and it all be ok..Ive thought about leaving..so that she will be happy again..but, her mother is the one hurting her daughter..why wont she see that WE arent the ones that messed up 7 years ago..why cant she just be grateful that our lil girl is being loved and cared for? I have always encouraged our lil girl to have a relationship with her birth mama..and so I dont know what to do anymore..